Life as it Moves Forward...

It feels like it's been a while since I last blogged. There have been longer periods of time between blogging than this one, but so much has happened since the last time I wrote that I feel like it's been months since my last entry. Whew... That was a long sentence...
Vincent has been out of school for the past three weeks. He attends a school that goes year-round, so they have these 3 to 4-week breaks in between terms. In some ways it's nice, like I've been able to attend morning Mass. There are disadvantages to this as well. He has been so bored out of his mind because I still have to go to work and there really isn't much going on for kids in his situation during this time of the year. He is so looking forward to going back to school again to be with his little buddies (I call them little because they are all at least a head shorter than Vincent :) -- who would have thought that an Asian boy would be taller than his white, male friends!?).

It's hard to believe that Vincent is turning 12 years old this year! How did I get to have a 12-year-old son!?! I remember turning 12 years old and what I was doing that year... That's when boys were really cute. I was back in Manila attending Assumption (I was in the 7th grade) and hanging out with my WAB (We Are Bad -- oh my goodness!) group of friends. I remember going to Shakey's Pizza and ordering a pitcher of beer! Worst of all... They gave it to us!!! Aaagggghhhhh!!! I am very worried now!!!! Um, we may not be taking any trips to Manila until Vincent turns 21 years old :) This makes me realize how much more responsible and smarter he is than I was at his age. He loves to watch the news, give people advice about their love life (he told me at one point that I needed to learn how to give up a bad relationship and move forward -- he has since given more advice), and he enjoys baking with his tutor. I think I'm happy with how he's doing.

Work continues to be something I enjoy tremendously. I still deal with challenging personalities, but it only makes my job all the more interesting. I am amazed at the opportunities that present itself and the people that I encounter through my work. I am getting more and more involved with homelessness in Corvallis, organizations that address poverty within Benton County and Oregon, and advocating for various ethnicities (primarily Asians and Hispanics). The people that are sent to me also make me wonder what God wants me to do. I was previously in contact with a woman who has had some brain damage and needing a bit of assistance. She was quite a struggle and very time-consuming because nothing was ever good enough for her. It came to a point where Barb, our Pastoral Associate who supervises me, had to tell her that there's nothing more I can do for her. There are times when I wonder if I could have done more for her. Well, God must have been listening to me because he decided to send someone else with a somewhat similar disposition my way yesterday. This one, however, is a bit more self-sufficient and is actually able to take action for herself. Our conversation, though, was quite similar to the previous one. What was heartbreaking for me with both cases is that they are both all alone in this world without anybody to really care for them. Yes, they have family here and there, but their families have given up on them because it's a neurological damage rather than a physical damage. Their families do not understand why they don't function well since there is no outward, physical damage. They decide that all the help and attention these ladies need are made up in their heads and turn their backs to them. As we talk, this is always the point they break down and cry. I am thankful that this second one mentioned to me that she turns to praying to find comfort. She is from no specific religion, she just believes in a higher being. I am thankful that the Holy Spirit gave me the opportunity to talk about her faith life. She now wants to attend our Easter celebration, receive a blessing, and asked me to take her to our Perpetual Adoration Chapel so that she could pray in peace even for just a few minutes. These experiences are more powerful for me than the person I am talking with I'm sure.

As for me... I am amazed once again with the power of God in my life. Truly and incredibly amazed. We always hear and talk about how God answers prayers in His own way, but never fully realize the power in it until He shows us the beauty of His work. As most of you may know, there was a time when I was struggling with a broken relationship. I went through so much in trying to figure out what God had planned for me and then one day decided to just let go. It was the best feeling ever and I realized that all I needed to do was trust God to lead me down the path that He had in store for me. Not too long after that God sent my way a most amazing man. I've known of Bruce for a few years now, but never really got to talk much with him. The first time we got to talk really was at our Mardi Gras back in February. During this time I was happy to have gotten to talk with him, but my mind was still in other places. Soon after I let go of past relationships and was feeling very happy about how life turned out, Bruce asked to be friends on Facebook (yay Facebook!). Ever since this time we've been continuously communicating, gone on hikes, spent time with each other's friends and family, and really been spending time to get to know each other.

I must say that I've been thoroughly enjoying Bruce's company. He makes laughter come so easily, time fly by so quickly, and sharing more meaningful. Most important to me is how he loves and follows God. His faith and the community he belongs to is very important to him. I admire this tremendously. For those who have been following my blog, you know how important this is to me. Bruce just makes me so happy. I never knew that a relationship could be so full with so little effort. It just flows and happens. It's even harder to believe that it's been just a little over a month. In this short amount of time, I feel as if I've connected with a man more than I ever have with any other. It's crazy! I love it!

It's hard to believe that Easter is just a couple of days away. I look back at this Lenten season and reflect on what I've learned. I am feeling a bit bad about not being able to live out all that I had hoped to, but I also did pick up on a couple of things that I had let go of previously. This Holy Week just brings to the forefront the love that God has for us. It blows my mind that Jesus died for us in such a cruel and painful manner, all to save us from our sins. Our Church just recently got it's new cross. It is beautiful not just because of how it looks. It is beautiful because of what it stands for. The Corpus (Jesus' body) arrived yesterday and I dropped by to see it. It wasn't hung yet and was lying on the ground wrapped in plastic. I was hoping to see it hung up in front of the cross, but they were still working on it. I looked at Jesus and was filled with joy. I touched the part of his shoulder that did not have any plastic. How many people in our lives would die for us? We say it so easily, but would we really do it? How many people loves us as deeply and abundantly? Who else will save us time and time again from our own mistakes, forgives us, and still loves us wholeheartedly?

I wish you all a wonderful Easter. I hope you are surrounded by those you love!

Resolutions

I started off 2009 with a set of resolutions that were quite different from my past New Year's Resolutions. It was quite simple, really... Live, Love, Laugh. It seemed quite cheesy at first, but this, by far, has been the first year where I am actually able to live out my resolutions and feel better about life in the process. There are some that I live out on a daily basis and there are some that are yet to come.

LIVE

Life has been very full lately with activities work and non-work related. I've mentioned singing with the Spanish Mass Choir. We will be having a concert on May 3rd as a fundraiser and will then be performing at the 25th Anniversary celebration of our pastor. Guitar classes are progressing; at least I hope that's what my guitar teacher thinks. Work is happily busy. There are plenty of meetings during the day and more in the evenings. Days are spent talking with people, faith sharing, various activities, and lots of laughter. I love it, love it, love it!

I also have a couple of trips lined up. Katrina and I are talking about taking the kids to Disneyland next month. I better work on this because my calendar is getting quite full for the month of April as it is. Another trip that I'm very excited about is the Guadalupe Pilgrimage. Our Pastoral Associate, Barb Anderson, has been taking groups down to Cuernavaca, Mexico and Mexico City for a retreat pilgrimage. Along with her is our Hispanic Ministry Coordinator, Ina Hecker. They are also the ones that I sing with in the choir. I look forward to visiting Mexico and experience this retreat pilgrimage with Barb and Ina.

Since the start of the year I feel as if I grab more opportunities to live my life fuller than I have been. At every turn I feel God's presence and blessings. I feel that when I was able to drop the woe-is-me attitude, God-in-me stepped in!

LAUGH

Laughter has been a huge part of this year. Work is always a good source of laughter with people that I work with. We always manage to talk about topics that lead to laughter. Our pastor, Fr. John, is also very good at entertaining us. I am so very thankful to be in a working environment that encourages time to gather and be a community. Jean Morrison, our Youth Minister, has also brought a lot of laughter into the office. Jean, her husband, Bert, and some other friends also gather from time to time to just have dinner together and laugh all night long. Sometimes we just sit around and talk, others we play games. The blessing of all this is there have been people that I never thought of as friends have now become a part of this lively group. Other people have been brought into my life and have brought so much laughter. I have proof that laughter makes you look and feel younger!

LOVE

My resolution to love has more to do with the love of people that I wish to serve. I was so stressed and burned out by the end of last year that I was struggling inside because my capacity to empathize with the people needing help was feeling diminished. I wanted to be able to help as much as possible, but I was growing more and more tired even annoyed at times. As I look back, I think it was because I was operating on the basis that this was work. My sights were so set on other aspects of love, that I was forgetting to love my neighbors. I had lost sight of those that God really wants me to love. My brain knew who needed to be helped, but my heart was elsewhere. God gave me a heart, though, that can carry all. There's room to love those I already love and more room to love those who need more love.

I find now that when I see the person in front of me as someone God wants me to love, I am able to help them in a way that is good for them as well. I am finding that more of the people that I talk to not only need financial help, but knowing that there is somebody who will care for them when they need it. I can't say that I am to take credit for this because I really think it's something God has placed in my capacity.

He has given me more opportunities to speak of His love with those in front of me than I have ever had. Most recently was a homeless man who was suicidal and homicidal. Those in charge of the homeless shelter think he is bipolar. He found himself in our office needing some spiritual uplifting. I was sitting with my co-workers drinking coffee when he entered the office. He didn't make eye contact with anybody and pretended to read the brochures that we had out front. I went up to him and this led to a lengthy conversation. All he needed was somebody to tell him that he is still loved by God even though he is feeling angry towards him. I had tons of things to do that day, but my heart would not let him out of the door until I felt he was ready to. This is the kind of love that I seek for this year. Love for those hardest to love. Love for those others would turn away. Love for those who God sends my way. There are times when this is the hardest of the three (live, love, laugh) because it is one I have the least control over. Yet it is the most soul-satisfying and helps me to achieve living and laughing.

As we come close to putting a fourth of the year behind us, I look forward to more days of sunshine (oh please, please come already!), opportunities to take in God's awesome creation in the nature that surrounds us, and the priviledge (our duty, really) to be His hands and feet on this earth. I hope to move forward with my resolutions and make it my life goals. As simple as it may seem, it is at the core of how I long to live.

Power

I just came from the most stressful meeting I've had this month. Every month I meet with a group of people who are working towards the same mission, but I dread each and every one of these meetings. I like each person around the table as individuals, but put everybody together and a totally different beast emerges. Fine, not everybody is like that. There are some people in the room that are consistently nice and are there for the greater purpose of serving our community. There are some who I question why they choose to be in this group.

I realize that it is not in my place to judge each person's intention. In my ideal world, this group would get together and discuss the ails of our society and find ways to make the world better. That is how in my utopia the world would be -- everybody gathering around as a community to talk about how we can help each other. We would discuss as equals -- irregardless of age, race, gender, ethnicity, political inclinations, wealth, etc... There are evening that are better than others. This evening was not one of those.

I was questioned about work that I'm doing on my own personal time, my position was questioned, my effectiveness as a Social Justice Coordinator was scrutinized -- you name it, I got it. All from one person. Another main question was why were they not informed of work that is going on. Dang. If nothing is happening, they're not happy. Now that things are happening without them having to do any of the work, they're still not happy. What do you want?! This was all from one person.

That's all it took to make me feel smaller than the Hershey Kiss sitting on the table. One person. We were obviously not there as equals. Her length of time spent in this group and her age made her my obvious superior and she wanted me to know that. There were history lessons left and right as to how things were done in the past. There were references to what other people did. My role in the group, in the first place, is not to lead. They have a Chair. I am a liaison between the group and the pastoral office. I am there to help with their administrative needs (like reserving a room, making photocopies, locating resources, etc.), and to be the connection between them and other groups and agencies in the Church and in the community. I am there to be their guide in living out our Catholic Social Teachings.

What is it that makes people seek power over others? Why is there always a need for clear chains of command? Why do we seek to make it clear where we each stand in this society? Why do we result to power struggles in order to be the one in the right? Why was I being picked on?

My biggest mistake? I mentioned my being on the board of an organization that I believe in. My initial thought was that she was concerned that I would burn out from the time commitment. No. She was concerned that I would not be available for her to catch me in the office when she wanted me there. WHAT????!!! I had just told her that the meetings were in the evenings in Portland and would leave after my normal office hours. When I realized her biggest concern, I found myself explaining that since Vincent is in school I can't leave until after he's done so I would just be in the office, blah, blah, blah. I didn't have to justify to her why I wanted to be on this board. I didn't have to explain to her that I will not use my work hours for this. Yet I found myself telling her that if she felt that it had nothing to do with my job, then I would take this on as a personal commitment. Why? Because I believe in supporting the board that works in addressing the root cause of this nation's poor. An organization that was conceptualized and put into action by the Bishops of the United States. A board being overseen by our Archdiocese. What the heck does she want?

As if that wasn't enough... She wants a copy of my job description so that she knows how she can use me within the parameters as dictated by a sheet of paper. Never have I told her that I couldn't do something because it's not within my job description. I was making freaking popcorn for her. Did I use my comp time to get out of work during the day because I did that. No. Now she questions me? She then proceeded to say a bunch of things that all boiled down to insinuating that there was a lack of participation in the meeting because of my inability to keep the group together. AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!! She didn't even know why people weren't there. I had to explain that as well.

Seeing as she's much older than I am I had to formulate my words well before I could say anything in fear of being rude. I just couldn't sit back, though, and let her diminish my role in that group. I did all I could to hold back the tears. It took all my strength to keep my butt on that chair and my legs from walking out.

You know what was hardest for me? She was questioning my work. She was questioning something that I absolutely love, live and breathe. This is not a punch-in and punch-out job. I do this because I love the Church and love the people that we serve. I do this because this is how I feel called to live out my faith. It's more than a paycheck. It's because I am so thankful for all the blessings I've been given and this is how I am able to express my gratitude. I do this because I cannot stand to see people suffer from all forms of injustice. I do this because it's what my heart cries out to do. And I do what I can. To have all this questioned was like telling me I'm not loving Jesus and the Church as I should. It was also just making me feel really bad.

Is it worth my energy to fight back to regain the power she took away from me during that excruciating hour and a half? No. Is it worth the time blogging about it? No. It does feel good to just get it out of my system. Do I know why she wanted to exert her power over me? No. Perhaps she had a long day. Maybe she really is unhappy with the work that I do. Will I think any less of her? I hope not. She is very well respected. She does her work tirelessly. She's entitled to her opinion. I hope to find inside me the ability to understand her and gain something out of this. For now... This beer tastes darn good and I look forward to being at work tomorrow.

Right Relationships

OK...  One Social Justice far-fetched thought...  What if we placed monetary value for every productive energy -- mentally and physically -- that a person exerts rather than on the actual profession?  Would we value each other more and not feel as if one is more superior than another?  I thought of this because of a couple of letters to the editor that were printed in our paper.  One said that there should be a cap to what a person can earn.  After a billion dollars, the money should be given to the poor (in fact, he said that if you think you need more after a billion dollars, then you need psychological help).  Another person wrote in saying that this was crazy because a person should keep what they earn.  What if we said that we would compensate a person for their productiveness rather than what their title is?  We need managers, executives, etc. to make the right decisions, but we also need the workers who actually produce the products or implements what needs to be done.  Would this lead to equality in the distribution of wealth and the equality of how we value people?  

Now on to my personal stuff...  My days have been much better and I hope I never go back to where I was at not too long ago.  It wasn't all that bad, but the reasons for being there in the first place was the worst part of it all.  

Without getting too specific and going into too many details, let's just say it all has to do with relationships.  I've learned that how I live my faith is all about "right relationships".  These are relationships with people and with God.  If we were to live working towards right relationships, then we would all treat each other better, work towards the common good and truly love each other as God wants us to.  Unfortunately, being human means having to struggle with these relationships.

I am just thankful that I have broken free from struggling with one relationship and working so hard at trying to figure out.  I just one day decided it wasn't worth it anymore and I wanted to regain control of my life.  It was such an awakening that it felt as if I lost the 20 years that I had gained from being in constant struggle.  It was truly making me feel miserable, old, and crabby.  Thankfully I never lost my youthful looks -- haha, just kidding!  Realizing that no person was worth the energy I was giving in forcing the relationship to be right.  Whether it is done intentionally or not, sometimes we can just be so mean to each other.  I honestly believe that not everybody does this intentionally, but it happens.  We take those who love us for granted, not realize their worth, and can be quite arrogant towards them.  As I said, it's not always done intentionally.  The relationship was just not right for that person, so why will I force it?  I have learned that I can still love that person, but not be in love anymore.  I can still pray the best for them, but not be the one trying to make things better for them; especially when it's not wanted.  All I can do now is work towards the right relationships for me.  I have come to value my friendships and relationships with family even more because during the past horrible months they were the ones that simply gave to me without asking for anything in return.  This time has taught me to look at relationships that I value and what I want in future relationships.  Which, in turn, made me realize that what I was agonizing over isn't all that I deserve.  I still love the person as a friend and will forever cherish what we had.  It's just not the right one.

My relationship with work, however, is on a better path.  With the lifting of this heavy cloud, I am able to better evaluate the path that I am on.  I love my work.  I love the people I work with.  I love the different ways I am able to live out what I believe in.  I miss being able to volunteer for the organizations that I believe in, but I'm happy that I can incorporate them into my work.  I was recently invited to be join the board of Catholic Campaign for Human Development and realized that God is definitely paving a path for me in this field.  It's a 3-year commitment, which I look forward to with all my heart once I got past my commitment-phobic phase.  

This actually helped me tremendously in realizing what I want out of my life and, if God wills, from somebody I will share my life with.  First and foremost would be living out my faith in the way God wants me to.  Most important in a partner, as well, would be someone who lives out his faith and places God first.  I believe we are called to evangelize, but this is something I would like to share with a person and not have to teach anymore.  That part is selfish, but important to me.  

From there everything else will follow.  I saw how things fell into place for me this time around and what really made a huge difference.  It was almost as if when I saw that God has put me on this path, I felt more than ever His abundant love for me.  It was always there, but I kept looking everywhere else for it when all he wanted me to look at was right in front of me.  From there I was happier with myself and happier in general.  This, of course, helps Vincent tremendously.  He has told me that he noticed how happy I've been and he thinks it's because I've gotten over being homesick for Manila.  Partly true, maybe.  Even more amazing are the doors that God has opened since then.  But maybe they were always open -- I just wasn't looking in them.

How can we make relationships around us right?  How can we make our work a right relationship?  How can we make our relationships with those who are in need right?  How can we make our relationship with God right?  How can I make my relationship with myself right?

Michi's Mish Mash

I know that I said in my last post that I would write more about Manila, but I think I'll move on to other events that have happpened more recently. I still miss being in Manila and I am still tremendously home sick. Whoever instilled in people's minds that living in the US is far better than being at home should re-think that. I love being here, but love being home even more. Corvallis is beautiful, the people are very friendly, and life is comfortable. There's just something about being home and being surrounded by your people that is very different from life here. I dread waking up to frozen mornings where I have to scrape the windshield as we rush to school. I like the cold on slow, unhurried days. Not when I need to be somewhere in 8 minutes, but have a 12 minute drive on frozen streets. If that was my time crunch in Manila, it wouldn't really matter because you're expected to be late anyway. I also am not too thrilled about the sense of loneliness here. I have friends I love dearly, but there's less interaction because of everybody's "busy" schedules. These are schedules we create for ourselves and then curse as we find ourselves not being able to accomplish everything we had placed on those darned schedules to begin with. Yes, I'm in a mood right now.

It is Valentine's Day. It has become one of those days that I question and have never really cared much for for as long as I can remember. As with many "Days" that we celebrate, it's true meaning has gotten lost and has become a day to patronize restaurants and purchase themed items. Gone are the days of deep love that does not call for consumerism for one another that this day was really meant to celebrate. What has happened to undying, devoted love that simply required devotion even from the confines of a prison cell? I have come to see love as something that thrives only if a person is able to fulfill these questions: What can he/she do for ME? What is that person giving to ME? How does that person make ME feel? We have seem to have forgotten that there are two people, not just one.

We had a discussion at work one day where our pastor asked the married ladies if they would stay with their husband if the husband told them that he had been unfaithful. Almost all said that they would not put up with it. I'm sure most of you who are reading this would agree. That's not being fair to ME, right? My thoughts were different, but I didn't speak up since I wasn't the one being addressed. Where's the unconditional love that could withstand the bumps along the way? The love that keeps on loving the other person no matter what? Our pastor told them that they were so wrong. Love does not mean loving when it is convenient and losing it because of hardship. Love is loving a person wholeheartedly, unconditionally, and should withstand any obstacles. If this love is so easily dissolved, then there was no true union to begin with. The union, which should happen between TWO individuals, was not a true union. As we see separations and divorce happening so frequently and love being disposed of so callously, it has made me question what has happened to true love. Is it something that we will only read about now?

Time to get out of that mood... I mentioned earlier how my guitar teacher, Alex, invited me to join their group. Last night was my first opportunity to join them in concert -- a fundraiser for the Missionaries of the Holy Spirit at the St. Mary's in Albany. It was an incredible experience! First of all, we only practiced as a group twice. We weren't even complete during any of these practices. We were told that it would start at 7:00PM, but the last stragglers would come in about an hour later, we only started practicing a little bit before that (Filipinos! We have to admit we are more Latin American than Asian). The lyrics that we're given are not complete, the order we are to sing the lyrics aren't quite the same as what's typed out, and then more changes happen as we go along (in fact, the last change was told to us as we were setting up for the concert itself and included a small debate as to what was really agreed upon). No sweat... It would all happen. And it did. It was beautiful! Alex is an excellent musician who has had years and years of experience in the music industry. He, in a very laid-back way, has control of the whole show and is very meticulous (in a very laid-back way). We had a full percussion accompaniment, two acoustic guitars, one electric guitar, one bass guitar. We even had a charango (an Andean string instrument, somewhat similar to a ukele or the Philippine rondalla) for a few songs. The best part was being able to sing with two other people I work with -- Ina, the Hispanic Ministry Coordinator, and Barb, our Pastoral Associate. Ina would just tell us to just let the Holy Spirit move us and take over. You know what? You could definitely feel the Holy Spirit working last night. Alex had us all working together as if we've done this a hundred times and the crowd was singing and swaying to the music. All three of us St. Mary's Corvallis staff members want this at our own parish now, which everyone was very eager about. Who knows? We may go on tour someday! One of the members invited me to sing with them all the time and even for his own band. I don't know if I'll do the latter, but tomorrow will be my first time to sing during the Spanish Mass.

The positive aspect of life is that I am making new friends or at least getting to know people a little bit better. These past couple of weeks have been full of that, I must say. Surprisingly enough, these are with people at about my age. Yes, I'm moving beyond my retired ladies, but have definitely not forgotten them. I am quite surprised at the number of single men at our parish. Before people look into that, it's just a fact not something to look into too deeply. As you have read just earlier, romantic love is not high on my priority because of the shallowness and the selfishness that it brings about. I talk about loneliness, but it's an overall loneliness that I feel here. When I was in Manila I don't think I was ever given much time to feel that loneliness because of how people connect with each other. My dear friends here do make time whenever possible and I appreciate that. It's just nice to meet new people who can relate to what you're going through and knows what it's like to be at this age-range in Corvallis. It's hard to explain without hurting people's feelings, but I feel a difference. I don't know if it's just in Corvallis or it's like this anywhere. For now, I have the people who surround me and who God works through. I love them dearly.

Before I end this, I just want to give a shout out to my bird-watching titas and friends! We see a lot of birds here and how I wish I could identify what they all are. There's one field that I pass by everyday and there's always a crane or a herron (I don't know how to distinguish yet) sitting there. One day I noticed a black, swirling tornado. I realized that this was actually a flock of geese coming in for a landing. It was a magnificent sight. There was already a huge circle on the ground, but abovehead there were hundreds circling before settling down on the ground. God has created such beautiful creatures and makes me wonder why we don't see how much more beautiful people are whom He made in his image. During the moods that I get into, I think back to Matthew 6:26-27 in which Jesus says, "Look at the birds in the sky; they do not sow or reap, they gather nothing into barns, yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are not you more important than they? Can any of our by worrying add a single moment to your life span? Whenever I see birds now, I think God is giving me a reminder to stop worrying and to trust in Him. Sometimes harder than others (as noticable earlier), but definitely a good reminder.

Who Am I?

I've had a couple of tags to post 25 things about myself on Facebook, so I've been thinking about this.  Actually...  I think my problem is that I do think about this a lot and this evolves as each day passes and new experiences take place.  For the past couple of years it has been my intent to write about my life.  I can never quite complete it because I find that every time I sit down to write it, my perspective changes.  Of course, this depends on my mood, what had happened that day or that week, or where I am in my life.  

For some random reason, I've been comparing who I am now to who I was in college and the few years after.  I can't quite remember how I got to this, but it's something that I find quite helpful to look at.  This is who I said I would become once I graduated from college:

*  I would own my own firm (accounting when I was an accounting major and then marketing when I was a marketing major).

*  I would have kids only when I was making at least $10,000 per year for each child.  Don't know where I got that random number, but that was my thought.  At that time, too, it didn't matter whether or not there was a father figure (haha, some things actually do come true!).

*  I would be far away from Corvallis.

*  I would marry the man I loved in college (unfortunately, he didn't know I loved him :) )

*  Life would be fun and so would my husband and friends.

A lot of these decisions were made in the midst of trying to make it through college and trying to have as much fun as I could during college and afterwards.  I later came to realize that, as sure as I was that this is what was going to happen, I needed to search and find myself first. 

The years that followed college proved to be my time to grow -- time to grow out of this need for the pursuit of fun.  I worked in marketing and eventually had my own public relations firm.  This is what filled my days.  My nights were spent having fun with friends and doing whatever felt like fun.  Fun, fun, fun...  That was my main concern.  I wanted my work to be fun, my friends had to be fun (which is why I spent so much time with gay men and turned away my serious, catty female friends).  My first serious relationship revolved around enjoying life -- going to the bars, watching movies, eating out, being in THE places to be in, knowing the right people (or so we thought were the right people) -- living the life.  I think I ended up "marrying" him because I got tired of the life and felt the need to stabilize myself.  I would fun myself Monday to Saturday and then sleep all day Sunday.  In the end, I was left feeling drained, empty, and with a son.  I love my son and he truly fills my life, but the fun had to turn into reality.

I continued on with the fun life for a bit even after Vincent.  I dated a man that was a lot of fun to be with -- we talked for hours, enjoyed the same things, and laughed a lot.  But when it came to dealing with "grown up" stuff, we never quite agreed and this led to a lot of arguments.  I feel now that having spent so much time looking for fun, I never found my true self.  Coming back to Corvallis has helped me step back, re-evaluate my life, and let God do His work.  Let Him have a say as to what He wants me to do.  As I mentioned in my previous blog entries, I always felt as if I was doing what I needed to do to pursue my dreams and goals, but these weren't what I was meant to be.  

I may seem like a very late bloomer in figuring out what career-path to take, but I also felt that I needed to experience what I did in order to appreciate this path that I'm on now.  I also feel that the people I was with, the things that I did, the life that I led has helped me to learn about myself.  I learned that I need time spent in total quiet whereas I always thought I needed some kind of noise when I was younger.  I learned that even though I could stay up late and then start early in the morning, that's not what I really enjoy doing -- I like being able to sleep by 10:00PM and having a slow, early start to my day.  I learned that I don't particularly enjoy drinking.  I learned that I don't need to be the HAHAHA-girl all the time and actually enjoy being more of the behind-the-scenes person.  I learned that my faith is very important to me (I've been advised to be open to date men of other denominations and I am realizing that it is important to me to be able to share my faith life with that other person -- personal and work).   I learned that fun can only take you so far and strength in dealing with reality is what will make any endeavor last; whether it be work, friends, and relationships.  I have learned that living out the Gospel in my own way is how I have found who I am truly meant to be because I feel more comfortable in my own skin and I love it.  Alright, I also learned that I am too self-aware, which is not always good because then I also become my biggest critic.  It's good, though, in understanding why I do what I do and hopefully learn from it.

Oh, one last thing I learned...  I love playing the guitar and singing along while I play.  I am not particularly good at either one, but it's so much fun.  I've been asked by my guitar instructor, Alex, to join his choir.  He wants me to start singing with them and then later on play the guitar.  He has more faith in me than I do when it comes to this arena and he must be serious because he dropped by my office yesterday to give me the songs that they sing.  My co-worker/supervisor, Barb, has been singing with the choir so that was encouraging and would be so much fun to do this with her.  No big deal, right?  Well, the choir sings only in Spanish, since they are the choir for the Spanish Mass.  Ayayay....  Why God put this opportunity in front of me, I don't know, but I will have fun with it anyway!

More about Manila again next time!

Words...

I dream though my eyes are wide open

Tears flow even with the joy of a new life

My arms embrace but deep inside I curl into the tightest ball

Smiles and laughter hide the aching heart that lives within me

I ask the ghosts to go away, help me start a brand new day

I look around, what do I find?

He gives me to hope. He grows in me through faith. He offers me never ending love.

How much do I take? How much do I turn away?

These dreams -- of joy, that tight embrace, the smile, my laughter

It's all He wants for me to have

Will I let Him lead me to my brand new day?

Well, Vincent and I have been back for two weeks now. It's been a very full two weeks with work, Vincent's school, work, and some fun. It's nice to be back to some of my routine -- started the crazy hour gym again, getting back into feeling caught up with work (whatever that may feel like), and enjoying being able to cook again. Vincent still misses the irresistably yummy food back home, but for now my cooking satisfies him.

It's a strange feeling though that I still feel like home is back in Manila. My adjustment back to Corvallis life has been harder than adjusting to being home in Manila. I still have very strong homesickness pangs -- none of which I felt when we got to Manila last December. Most of all... I miss the people. I miss the laughter. Sure I am surrounded by great people and we have good laughs here. I can't explain why it's just different. Is it a different sense of humor? Is it a different sense of belonging? I really can't tell you why right now. I just miss the laughter back home.

Yet I also feel as if I am meant to be back in Corvallis. There is a purpose. There's so much about life that I do get to experience and learn here. I learn through other people, through my work, and just being able to sit quietly reflecting on my own life. There have been very tough moments since coming back and I realize that I am still on an emotional roller coaster. Being here forces me to deal with these issues on my own -- sometimes I have no choice as more often than not there's nobody here to cry with me:) I have been able to talk with several wonderful women -- all of whom I love and appreciate. There are some things, though, that I needed to learn by myself.

I must say that the best "glad-to-be-back" feeling was when my officemates and I watched Obama's inauguration last week. It's just an amazing thought that one man can symbolize change -- change for the good. It's even more incredible to think what kind of change people can bring about. Through the collective efforts of millions of people, change was brought to this country. But the ultimate, mind-blowing aspect of Obama becoming president for me is how our children and youth -- of all ethnic descent and gender -- have seen how they can truly become whatever they want to be. Fine, you have to be born an American, so Vincent can never become President of America. But nothing's stopping him now from thinking he can become President of the Philippines! I think if you look at Obama's childhood, you'll see that he and Vincent have some things in common. Going back to my point... No longer is one of the most powerful positions on this planet reserved for white males only. Well... I take that back. It's still quite difficult to become the Pope (thank goodness!). It's also a step towards proving that much can be accomplished when you work towards common good. Now if only we can change his views on abortion... (Do your part in making your voice heard by asking your elected officials to vote against the Freedom of Choice Act!)

I try to remind myself that I will see the beauty of all that is happening now when God feels the time is right. So much has been happening that I often need to remind myself that there is a purpose to all this around me. During some of my low moments I admit that my prayer life was not where I would like it to be and my heart wasn't in the parts of my life that are important. I talked about this with a friend of mine (please pray for her because she was recently told to start looking into assisted living places for herself) and she told me that my work is my prayer. At first I thought I agreed with that notion, but I find myself disagreeing with it now. I don't do what I do in order to get brownie points with God. I do it because I love it and because it's what I feel we were all asked to do -- to use our talents towards spreading God's word and to serve the least of these. My prayer is my time to glorify and praise God, to open myself and my heart to Him, and to quiet myself in order to let Him into my heart. I find that I can do my work even with my heart clenched and my eyes shut tightly while I wallow in misery . What kind of prayer is that? In this sense, I am glad to be back because I see my life and the work that I do for what it truly is and I don't do what I feel others should see.

For now I look forward to planning the bike ride for a local organization that serves women who face unplanned pregnancies. They offer counseling, some medical service, resources, classes, etc. Through their efforts they strive to prevent women from opting for abortion. This is exciting for me because it helps me support an organization that I like in a way that I think would be so much fun.

That's it for now! Live life to the fullest -- it helps during those days you're running on empty!