I am Woman...

My dad would always say that in the Philippines there was never any need for women's liberation. That's because Filipina women are very strong already even in a country where machismo thrives. Maybe it's because of this that we've become strong. Women, in general, have definitely become more powerful and independent. But is this how we naturally evolved or has it come out of necessity? Is this what we truly wanted? Is this where we were meant to be?

I know that I've always wanted to have a career. When I was younger I wanted to be a teacher. In high school I wanted to be a marine biologist (until I was told by aunts that there's no money in this field, but sometimes I wonder "what if..."). In college I wanted to have my own business. The way my life unfolded, I had to ensure I had an income no matter what. I am thankful that my work is something that I really enjoy and believe in. Being a single mother -- to a special needs child at that -- has had its challenges, but you do what you need to do.

Studies show that one in four births are to never-married women. A fourth of all births! Have we changed the course of nature? Women and men are naturally made differently. It's so obvious from physical traits to personality traits. There's a reason that women are the ones that carry babies. Why have we decided that we want roles of men and women to be interchangeable? As I get older and observe more and more people, I come to ask myself this question more often... What's wrong with embracing what God has given to us?

I'm not saying that women shouldn't have careers, businesses, or be submissive creatures that follow their husbands around. Why can't we just embrace the fact that women are inherently women and men are men? Maybe if we value ourselves for who we were created to be, then marriages would be treated with more respect? When we start to think that men and women are equal in all ways, what is keeping us from learning and growing from our differences? What is keeping us from fully accepting our partners for everything that they are?

I love how Bruce and I are alike in plenty of ways. Yet I also love how we are different as well. We've definitely had lots of laughs about this. Our world is so much broader because of these differences. I love being able to cook for Vincent and Bruce. I love taking care of them whenever I can. It just comes naturally. I love how Bruce protects me. I love how he is willing horse-play with Vincent because I don't. We compare how our views on different issues vary because of our being male and female. In acknowledging these differences, we respect each others' views and learn. I've come to realize how important it is for me and Vincent to have his views and male-way of doing things. We have lots of fun, great conversations, and a greater understanding of each other. I especially find Vincent and Bruce's fascination towards "manly" things really funny -- movies, martial arts, etc.

Why do I like it? Then they acknowledge me as a woman. There are times when they agree with my point of view. There are times when it's funny. There are times when they just shake their heads. But, in the end, it's still my way and I'm accepted and respected for it. Of course, there's still a lot to learn from each other and sometimes I can tell that it's frustrating for all of us. But since the differences are recognized, we're willing to learn. I love how comfortable I am in asserting myself now. In the past, I had this need to be accepted as a full equal and often ended up not saying anything at all. Well, the whole dynamics of those relationships are very different as a whole. I was always unsure of myself and had more insecurities in these relationships. I tried so hard to please the other, tried to be just like the other, and ended up either not being accepted or getting worn out from all the work that it took.

I sometimes will take it to the extreme. If we want so much to get rid of gender differences, then why aren't men wearing skirts like we wear pants? I don't know. Just asking.

So you're probably wondering why there are fall pictures throughout this. First of all, I think they look nice. Second of all... Just as nature has to go through its changes, so must we. Each season of our life brings a different look and feel, but all that we go through is meant to bring out the beauty in each of us.

DO I HAVE ISSUES? OF COURSE, I HAVE ISSUES!

As Bruce and I get close to our wedding day (as of writing, 86 more days!), it's easy to let stress and schedules overwhelm me. The past 3 days have been spent mostly in bed because I am burned out. Well, that may be oversimplifying it. I did have a fever and severe headaches through most of it, but this may have been caused by too much on the brain and body. I think of all that I have ahead of me and I wish I could sleep for the next 85 days. Wouldn't it be nice to just skip through everything and wake up on my wedding day with everything prepared. Poor Bruce!
I am thankful for all the love and support that I get from Bruce. These past couple of months have been challenging in so many different ways. I am thankful for the laughter, lively conversations, companionship, distraction, and shoulder(s) to cry on that Bruce has provided. This relationship has been so easy. It may be a funny word to use, but it's how I can best describe it. With Bruce the laughter comes easily, the conversations flow easily, the security comes easily,... As a result, he has made me feel better about myself in an indirect manner. He builds me up through his reassurance and presence. I never thought relationships can be this effortless. Hehe, I hope he feels the same way :)

WHO AM I?
A few evenings ago I had a meeting. Upon reflecting on what happened that evening, I am struck by something that was said during that meeting. For those in the Philippines, immigration is a huge concern here in the US. With such a large population of migrants and immigrants, there is a definite need to fight for rights for those that have come here -- documented and undocumented. There are health issues, food scarcity, equal access to resources, etc. What struck me was the immediate connection made to Hispanic undocumented immigrants. Yes, they are a large population, but they are not the only immigrants in this country. An immigrant is anybody who has uprooted from their home country to move to another country to live and work. It seems in this room it was completely forgotten that I AM AN IMMIGRANT. Why are all our programs so focused on one group of this large pool of people?

I still don't qualify for a lot of resources because I've been here for less than 5 years. Before working for the Church, I could not have access to Oregon Health Plan so that Vincent could get health care because we haven't been here long enough. I couldn't get into programs that I was interested in because I'm not an American citizen. Really difficult for somebody with a child with special needs. And you know what? I'm already one of the more fortunate ones because I have parents who can support me. What about the millions of documented immigrants throughout this vast country who don't have the support, who have less, and still trying very hard to adapt to this complicated world they've moved to. I've seen so many people lose their identities in order to fit into this society; so that they could have a chance at being seen as an equal. Does that seem right? In a country made up of immigrants (yes, pretty much EVERYBODY here has immigrant roots), why is it such a struggle to accept people as they are, from wherever they are from, and giving them the same rights as soon as they step foot here? I just don't get it. And why are we so easily set aside? I am not denying that undocumented immigrants need to have resources and be given what is due to them. I wholly believe that something must be done in this justice system to aid those who are in need the most. I am just wondering what about the rest of us?

DEEP BREATHS
I'm doing my best to take deep breaths and just take it easy. I definitely have a strong tendency to get worked up and to rant continuously about what's fair and what's not fair. What can I say? I've been doing it since I was much younger -- just ask my parents :) I am in the process of discerning how I can slow down my life. It is moving way too fast and it's making me physically sick. I believe that my blood pressure, stress level, and lack of energy is due to the overly busy schedule and lack of slow moments. Life does not have to be full of busyness in order to be full. Life is full when it is spent with people you love, doing what truly makes your heart happy, and being able to spend quiet moments with the Lord. Aaaaah...

Just Some Thoughts...

I'm always wanting to write about what's going on or what's on my mind, but finding the time to just sit down for at least an hour is such rare occurence. It's something I wish I could do more often and really need because it's how I best express myself. There are just too many things I need and want to do, so writing suffers.

HAPPINESS

So many things have happened these past few weeks. The passing away of my friend and co-worker, Sue, was not a happy event. But for the most part everything else has been very good. Today our pastor, Fr. John, focused his Homily on "The thrill of victory, the agony of defeat." What I liked and related to the most was his saying how all of us at one point in our lives have felt defeat -- defeat to the point of not wanting to live on and just losing hope. During the times that I've felt the lowest I have gotten so many advice from people around me. One that Fr. John pointed out was to eat, some friends turned to partying all night, some friends wanted to talk things to death, and others got to the point where they had to practice tough love and refused to talk to me during my self-inflicted depressed state. Earlier this year brought me to one of my lowest moments. All the well-intentioned advice helped me through for a short while, but the one that truly gave me strength was prayer, the knowledge that God was there for me even when I was so angry at him, and just my continued faith that God would help me out of this lowest moment. The happiness I feel now is living proof of His grace.

Throughout the tough times I forced myself to pray because it was not coming easily. Barb told me to just pray one decade of the Rosary in the morning and another in the evening. I did that using a decade rosary given to me by a friend. All the while I maintained a routine of meeting up with friends even though there were times when I just did not have the energy to do so. As spring came along, life started to take a different turn. I met Bruce and began to spend more and more time with him. My outlook on life became more and more hopeful. To the point now where I know that I have met the man that I am meant to spend the rest of my life with.

I reflect on my time with my friends and even that has changed. A dear friend of mine that I have lunch with every month told me how much I've changed over the past several months. She said that when she first met me (approximately 4 years ago) and up to last year, I was so serious and just not much fun. We still enjoyed each other's conversations, but she said that I took life so seriously. She says now I beam and she can tell how much more I'm enjoying life. She's so right. I have learned once again that it's OK to laugh, to feel secure in my capabilities, and to just be myself.

It's such a wonderful blessing to be able to laugh so much once again. Earlier this year I realized how much I missed laughing. It almost felt like I hadn't done that in four years. I felt as if the most laughter I had had was when I was working in the preschool. I even made it a resolution to laugh more this year. This is the first year that I can honestly say that I am living out my resolutions. I am once again living my life, I have found love and am loved, and my relationship with Bruce is so full of laughter. What a blessing from God! No other being on this Earth could have possibly given me this wonderful gift.

When Bruce and I decided on a date for our wedding, we picked a date that would work best for us. The day after we chose the date, we realized that the date we chose is the Feast Day of Our Lady of Guadalupe. Bruce likes Our Lady of Guadalupe so much that he carries a card with her image in his car. Our parish always has a celebration on this day, so I worried that we would not be able to get the Church on this day. Turns out that since the day is on a Saturday, the festivities have to be moved to the morning. Not only would we be able to use the Church later that day, but they would leave all the roses for us to use for our wedding -- Bruce's favorite flower! When I was discussing these details with my co-worker, Ina Hecker, she pointed out to me that Our Lady of Guadalupe is the Patron Saint of marriages. This gave me goosebumps because it further re-affirmed the fact that this relationship is really a gift from God. A few days back I was holding on to the decade rosary given to me by my friend, the one that I used to pray during my lowest moments, I realized something that gave me goosebumps once again. This decade rosary was purchased from the Basilica of Our Lady of Guadalupe in Mexico City, Mexico. I always believed in miracles, but this is the biggest miracle of my life yet. It is most especially one that I never expected to happen in my life. Earlier this year I was so sure that I would spend the rest of my days alone. Now I am planning to spend the rest of my days with the only man that has ever brought me so much laughter, joy, care, and love.

I am surrounded by so much love and happiness. My friends could not be happier for me -- one got on her knees and thanked God, one immediately offered her services for any help that I would need during these busy planning months, and another was in tears. God has blessed me with such dear friends. Musician friends have offered their services for the wedding itself -- we're going to have the best music at our wedding! Vincent is excited that Bruce and Alex will soon be a part part of our lives. My mom is impressed with Bruce's willingness to help in any way he can. And I just thoroughly the laughter that fills the room when we all get together.

Bruce does so much to lift me up and to encourage me. He tells me everyday how much he loves me, how intelligent and beautiful I am (haha, still hard for me to accept; espcecially when I've been told in the past that I'm not :) ), and always wants what's best for me. His kindness, affection, love, intellect, sense of humor, and capability to care deeply amazes me and touches me so deeply. I thank God for sharing with me his son and allowing me to care for him for the rest of my life. I thank Him for the love of Vincent, family, and relatives. I thank Him for all the people He has surrounded me with.

Brief Update...

The other day Vincent asked me why I haven't blogged lately. Hmmm... I don't really have any reason why. I just haven't. I always think of things I'd like to write about, but just don't get around to it. So here I am again. For a little bit anyway. I am in the middle of getting ready to go out with Bruce, so I'll keep this short.

VINCENT
This almost 12-year-old young man is definitely showing signs of preteen-hood. The subtle change is in his skin. He's getting those little bumps I knew so well as a teenager. The not-so-subtle changes are with regards to his medication. Fortunately, with the help of his psychiatrist, we are able to minimize the effects of these changes.

He goes back to school on Monday (yehey!) and he isn't quite sure how to feel about that. Part of him is happy to see his friends again and to be busy. The other part is not looking forward to waking up early and all the work that comes with it. He's looking forward to tae kwon do again.

WORK
It's been a glorious summer with regards to work. There's enough to do, but it's also quiet. Most of the people I work with have either tuned out for the summer or are out visiting their grandchildren. I'm talking about the volunteers who work with Social Justice committees. The office is very quiet, so I have plenty of time to catch up with the reading I should be doing. But there are still enough activities to keep my days interesting. I love it! I am looking forward to the coming year (our year is more like the academic year) and all the changes that come with it.

BRUCE
All is still going well with Bruce. We have been talking about visiting the Philippines in January. I look forward to seeing him in the midst of a busy mall. That would be a sight! This 6'5", redhead surrounded by a sea of black-haired people all around a foot shorter. I look forward to showing him my life in the Philippines and taking him to warm beaches! Even I am truly looking forward to going to the beach again. I'm most looking forward to introducing him to all my relatives (let's see if he can keep their names straight!) and friends.

I must say that being with Bruce has been such a huge blessing for me. He is truly a gift that I treasure deeply. Each moment spent with Bruce is filled with conversation, laughter, and spiritual growth. We are different enough to broaden each other's world, yet similar enough to really, really get along. He builds me up and encourages me like no other person has. I hope that I do the same for him. I am looking forward to what God has planned for us.

Well, I better finish getting ready. I will blog more often that I have been. As I said, this is short. Looking forward to blogging more!

Life as it Moves Forward...

It feels like it's been a while since I last blogged. There have been longer periods of time between blogging than this one, but so much has happened since the last time I wrote that I feel like it's been months since my last entry. Whew... That was a long sentence...
Vincent has been out of school for the past three weeks. He attends a school that goes year-round, so they have these 3 to 4-week breaks in between terms. In some ways it's nice, like I've been able to attend morning Mass. There are disadvantages to this as well. He has been so bored out of his mind because I still have to go to work and there really isn't much going on for kids in his situation during this time of the year. He is so looking forward to going back to school again to be with his little buddies (I call them little because they are all at least a head shorter than Vincent :) -- who would have thought that an Asian boy would be taller than his white, male friends!?).

It's hard to believe that Vincent is turning 12 years old this year! How did I get to have a 12-year-old son!?! I remember turning 12 years old and what I was doing that year... That's when boys were really cute. I was back in Manila attending Assumption (I was in the 7th grade) and hanging out with my WAB (We Are Bad -- oh my goodness!) group of friends. I remember going to Shakey's Pizza and ordering a pitcher of beer! Worst of all... They gave it to us!!! Aaagggghhhhh!!! I am very worried now!!!! Um, we may not be taking any trips to Manila until Vincent turns 21 years old :) This makes me realize how much more responsible and smarter he is than I was at his age. He loves to watch the news, give people advice about their love life (he told me at one point that I needed to learn how to give up a bad relationship and move forward -- he has since given more advice), and he enjoys baking with his tutor. I think I'm happy with how he's doing.

Work continues to be something I enjoy tremendously. I still deal with challenging personalities, but it only makes my job all the more interesting. I am amazed at the opportunities that present itself and the people that I encounter through my work. I am getting more and more involved with homelessness in Corvallis, organizations that address poverty within Benton County and Oregon, and advocating for various ethnicities (primarily Asians and Hispanics). The people that are sent to me also make me wonder what God wants me to do. I was previously in contact with a woman who has had some brain damage and needing a bit of assistance. She was quite a struggle and very time-consuming because nothing was ever good enough for her. It came to a point where Barb, our Pastoral Associate who supervises me, had to tell her that there's nothing more I can do for her. There are times when I wonder if I could have done more for her. Well, God must have been listening to me because he decided to send someone else with a somewhat similar disposition my way yesterday. This one, however, is a bit more self-sufficient and is actually able to take action for herself. Our conversation, though, was quite similar to the previous one. What was heartbreaking for me with both cases is that they are both all alone in this world without anybody to really care for them. Yes, they have family here and there, but their families have given up on them because it's a neurological damage rather than a physical damage. Their families do not understand why they don't function well since there is no outward, physical damage. They decide that all the help and attention these ladies need are made up in their heads and turn their backs to them. As we talk, this is always the point they break down and cry. I am thankful that this second one mentioned to me that she turns to praying to find comfort. She is from no specific religion, she just believes in a higher being. I am thankful that the Holy Spirit gave me the opportunity to talk about her faith life. She now wants to attend our Easter celebration, receive a blessing, and asked me to take her to our Perpetual Adoration Chapel so that she could pray in peace even for just a few minutes. These experiences are more powerful for me than the person I am talking with I'm sure.

As for me... I am amazed once again with the power of God in my life. Truly and incredibly amazed. We always hear and talk about how God answers prayers in His own way, but never fully realize the power in it until He shows us the beauty of His work. As most of you may know, there was a time when I was struggling with a broken relationship. I went through so much in trying to figure out what God had planned for me and then one day decided to just let go. It was the best feeling ever and I realized that all I needed to do was trust God to lead me down the path that He had in store for me. Not too long after that God sent my way a most amazing man. I've known of Bruce for a few years now, but never really got to talk much with him. The first time we got to talk really was at our Mardi Gras back in February. During this time I was happy to have gotten to talk with him, but my mind was still in other places. Soon after I let go of past relationships and was feeling very happy about how life turned out, Bruce asked to be friends on Facebook (yay Facebook!). Ever since this time we've been continuously communicating, gone on hikes, spent time with each other's friends and family, and really been spending time to get to know each other.

I must say that I've been thoroughly enjoying Bruce's company. He makes laughter come so easily, time fly by so quickly, and sharing more meaningful. Most important to me is how he loves and follows God. His faith and the community he belongs to is very important to him. I admire this tremendously. For those who have been following my blog, you know how important this is to me. Bruce just makes me so happy. I never knew that a relationship could be so full with so little effort. It just flows and happens. It's even harder to believe that it's been just a little over a month. In this short amount of time, I feel as if I've connected with a man more than I ever have with any other. It's crazy! I love it!

It's hard to believe that Easter is just a couple of days away. I look back at this Lenten season and reflect on what I've learned. I am feeling a bit bad about not being able to live out all that I had hoped to, but I also did pick up on a couple of things that I had let go of previously. This Holy Week just brings to the forefront the love that God has for us. It blows my mind that Jesus died for us in such a cruel and painful manner, all to save us from our sins. Our Church just recently got it's new cross. It is beautiful not just because of how it looks. It is beautiful because of what it stands for. The Corpus (Jesus' body) arrived yesterday and I dropped by to see it. It wasn't hung yet and was lying on the ground wrapped in plastic. I was hoping to see it hung up in front of the cross, but they were still working on it. I looked at Jesus and was filled with joy. I touched the part of his shoulder that did not have any plastic. How many people in our lives would die for us? We say it so easily, but would we really do it? How many people loves us as deeply and abundantly? Who else will save us time and time again from our own mistakes, forgives us, and still loves us wholeheartedly?

I wish you all a wonderful Easter. I hope you are surrounded by those you love!

Resolutions

I started off 2009 with a set of resolutions that were quite different from my past New Year's Resolutions. It was quite simple, really... Live, Love, Laugh. It seemed quite cheesy at first, but this, by far, has been the first year where I am actually able to live out my resolutions and feel better about life in the process. There are some that I live out on a daily basis and there are some that are yet to come.

LIVE

Life has been very full lately with activities work and non-work related. I've mentioned singing with the Spanish Mass Choir. We will be having a concert on May 3rd as a fundraiser and will then be performing at the 25th Anniversary celebration of our pastor. Guitar classes are progressing; at least I hope that's what my guitar teacher thinks. Work is happily busy. There are plenty of meetings during the day and more in the evenings. Days are spent talking with people, faith sharing, various activities, and lots of laughter. I love it, love it, love it!

I also have a couple of trips lined up. Katrina and I are talking about taking the kids to Disneyland next month. I better work on this because my calendar is getting quite full for the month of April as it is. Another trip that I'm very excited about is the Guadalupe Pilgrimage. Our Pastoral Associate, Barb Anderson, has been taking groups down to Cuernavaca, Mexico and Mexico City for a retreat pilgrimage. Along with her is our Hispanic Ministry Coordinator, Ina Hecker. They are also the ones that I sing with in the choir. I look forward to visiting Mexico and experience this retreat pilgrimage with Barb and Ina.

Since the start of the year I feel as if I grab more opportunities to live my life fuller than I have been. At every turn I feel God's presence and blessings. I feel that when I was able to drop the woe-is-me attitude, God-in-me stepped in!

LAUGH

Laughter has been a huge part of this year. Work is always a good source of laughter with people that I work with. We always manage to talk about topics that lead to laughter. Our pastor, Fr. John, is also very good at entertaining us. I am so very thankful to be in a working environment that encourages time to gather and be a community. Jean Morrison, our Youth Minister, has also brought a lot of laughter into the office. Jean, her husband, Bert, and some other friends also gather from time to time to just have dinner together and laugh all night long. Sometimes we just sit around and talk, others we play games. The blessing of all this is there have been people that I never thought of as friends have now become a part of this lively group. Other people have been brought into my life and have brought so much laughter. I have proof that laughter makes you look and feel younger!

LOVE

My resolution to love has more to do with the love of people that I wish to serve. I was so stressed and burned out by the end of last year that I was struggling inside because my capacity to empathize with the people needing help was feeling diminished. I wanted to be able to help as much as possible, but I was growing more and more tired even annoyed at times. As I look back, I think it was because I was operating on the basis that this was work. My sights were so set on other aspects of love, that I was forgetting to love my neighbors. I had lost sight of those that God really wants me to love. My brain knew who needed to be helped, but my heart was elsewhere. God gave me a heart, though, that can carry all. There's room to love those I already love and more room to love those who need more love.

I find now that when I see the person in front of me as someone God wants me to love, I am able to help them in a way that is good for them as well. I am finding that more of the people that I talk to not only need financial help, but knowing that there is somebody who will care for them when they need it. I can't say that I am to take credit for this because I really think it's something God has placed in my capacity.

He has given me more opportunities to speak of His love with those in front of me than I have ever had. Most recently was a homeless man who was suicidal and homicidal. Those in charge of the homeless shelter think he is bipolar. He found himself in our office needing some spiritual uplifting. I was sitting with my co-workers drinking coffee when he entered the office. He didn't make eye contact with anybody and pretended to read the brochures that we had out front. I went up to him and this led to a lengthy conversation. All he needed was somebody to tell him that he is still loved by God even though he is feeling angry towards him. I had tons of things to do that day, but my heart would not let him out of the door until I felt he was ready to. This is the kind of love that I seek for this year. Love for those hardest to love. Love for those others would turn away. Love for those who God sends my way. There are times when this is the hardest of the three (live, love, laugh) because it is one I have the least control over. Yet it is the most soul-satisfying and helps me to achieve living and laughing.

As we come close to putting a fourth of the year behind us, I look forward to more days of sunshine (oh please, please come already!), opportunities to take in God's awesome creation in the nature that surrounds us, and the priviledge (our duty, really) to be His hands and feet on this earth. I hope to move forward with my resolutions and make it my life goals. As simple as it may seem, it is at the core of how I long to live.

Power

I just came from the most stressful meeting I've had this month. Every month I meet with a group of people who are working towards the same mission, but I dread each and every one of these meetings. I like each person around the table as individuals, but put everybody together and a totally different beast emerges. Fine, not everybody is like that. There are some people in the room that are consistently nice and are there for the greater purpose of serving our community. There are some who I question why they choose to be in this group.

I realize that it is not in my place to judge each person's intention. In my ideal world, this group would get together and discuss the ails of our society and find ways to make the world better. That is how in my utopia the world would be -- everybody gathering around as a community to talk about how we can help each other. We would discuss as equals -- irregardless of age, race, gender, ethnicity, political inclinations, wealth, etc... There are evening that are better than others. This evening was not one of those.

I was questioned about work that I'm doing on my own personal time, my position was questioned, my effectiveness as a Social Justice Coordinator was scrutinized -- you name it, I got it. All from one person. Another main question was why were they not informed of work that is going on. Dang. If nothing is happening, they're not happy. Now that things are happening without them having to do any of the work, they're still not happy. What do you want?! This was all from one person.

That's all it took to make me feel smaller than the Hershey Kiss sitting on the table. One person. We were obviously not there as equals. Her length of time spent in this group and her age made her my obvious superior and she wanted me to know that. There were history lessons left and right as to how things were done in the past. There were references to what other people did. My role in the group, in the first place, is not to lead. They have a Chair. I am a liaison between the group and the pastoral office. I am there to help with their administrative needs (like reserving a room, making photocopies, locating resources, etc.), and to be the connection between them and other groups and agencies in the Church and in the community. I am there to be their guide in living out our Catholic Social Teachings.

What is it that makes people seek power over others? Why is there always a need for clear chains of command? Why do we seek to make it clear where we each stand in this society? Why do we result to power struggles in order to be the one in the right? Why was I being picked on?

My biggest mistake? I mentioned my being on the board of an organization that I believe in. My initial thought was that she was concerned that I would burn out from the time commitment. No. She was concerned that I would not be available for her to catch me in the office when she wanted me there. WHAT????!!! I had just told her that the meetings were in the evenings in Portland and would leave after my normal office hours. When I realized her biggest concern, I found myself explaining that since Vincent is in school I can't leave until after he's done so I would just be in the office, blah, blah, blah. I didn't have to justify to her why I wanted to be on this board. I didn't have to explain to her that I will not use my work hours for this. Yet I found myself telling her that if she felt that it had nothing to do with my job, then I would take this on as a personal commitment. Why? Because I believe in supporting the board that works in addressing the root cause of this nation's poor. An organization that was conceptualized and put into action by the Bishops of the United States. A board being overseen by our Archdiocese. What the heck does she want?

As if that wasn't enough... She wants a copy of my job description so that she knows how she can use me within the parameters as dictated by a sheet of paper. Never have I told her that I couldn't do something because it's not within my job description. I was making freaking popcorn for her. Did I use my comp time to get out of work during the day because I did that. No. Now she questions me? She then proceeded to say a bunch of things that all boiled down to insinuating that there was a lack of participation in the meeting because of my inability to keep the group together. AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!! She didn't even know why people weren't there. I had to explain that as well.

Seeing as she's much older than I am I had to formulate my words well before I could say anything in fear of being rude. I just couldn't sit back, though, and let her diminish my role in that group. I did all I could to hold back the tears. It took all my strength to keep my butt on that chair and my legs from walking out.

You know what was hardest for me? She was questioning my work. She was questioning something that I absolutely love, live and breathe. This is not a punch-in and punch-out job. I do this because I love the Church and love the people that we serve. I do this because this is how I feel called to live out my faith. It's more than a paycheck. It's because I am so thankful for all the blessings I've been given and this is how I am able to express my gratitude. I do this because I cannot stand to see people suffer from all forms of injustice. I do this because it's what my heart cries out to do. And I do what I can. To have all this questioned was like telling me I'm not loving Jesus and the Church as I should. It was also just making me feel really bad.

Is it worth my energy to fight back to regain the power she took away from me during that excruciating hour and a half? No. Is it worth the time blogging about it? No. It does feel good to just get it out of my system. Do I know why she wanted to exert her power over me? No. Perhaps she had a long day. Maybe she really is unhappy with the work that I do. Will I think any less of her? I hope not. She is very well respected. She does her work tirelessly. She's entitled to her opinion. I hope to find inside me the ability to understand her and gain something out of this. For now... This beer tastes darn good and I look forward to being at work tomorrow.

Right Relationships

OK...  One Social Justice far-fetched thought...  What if we placed monetary value for every productive energy -- mentally and physically -- that a person exerts rather than on the actual profession?  Would we value each other more and not feel as if one is more superior than another?  I thought of this because of a couple of letters to the editor that were printed in our paper.  One said that there should be a cap to what a person can earn.  After a billion dollars, the money should be given to the poor (in fact, he said that if you think you need more after a billion dollars, then you need psychological help).  Another person wrote in saying that this was crazy because a person should keep what they earn.  What if we said that we would compensate a person for their productiveness rather than what their title is?  We need managers, executives, etc. to make the right decisions, but we also need the workers who actually produce the products or implements what needs to be done.  Would this lead to equality in the distribution of wealth and the equality of how we value people?  

Now on to my personal stuff...  My days have been much better and I hope I never go back to where I was at not too long ago.  It wasn't all that bad, but the reasons for being there in the first place was the worst part of it all.  

Without getting too specific and going into too many details, let's just say it all has to do with relationships.  I've learned that how I live my faith is all about "right relationships".  These are relationships with people and with God.  If we were to live working towards right relationships, then we would all treat each other better, work towards the common good and truly love each other as God wants us to.  Unfortunately, being human means having to struggle with these relationships.

I am just thankful that I have broken free from struggling with one relationship and working so hard at trying to figure out.  I just one day decided it wasn't worth it anymore and I wanted to regain control of my life.  It was such an awakening that it felt as if I lost the 20 years that I had gained from being in constant struggle.  It was truly making me feel miserable, old, and crabby.  Thankfully I never lost my youthful looks -- haha, just kidding!  Realizing that no person was worth the energy I was giving in forcing the relationship to be right.  Whether it is done intentionally or not, sometimes we can just be so mean to each other.  I honestly believe that not everybody does this intentionally, but it happens.  We take those who love us for granted, not realize their worth, and can be quite arrogant towards them.  As I said, it's not always done intentionally.  The relationship was just not right for that person, so why will I force it?  I have learned that I can still love that person, but not be in love anymore.  I can still pray the best for them, but not be the one trying to make things better for them; especially when it's not wanted.  All I can do now is work towards the right relationships for me.  I have come to value my friendships and relationships with family even more because during the past horrible months they were the ones that simply gave to me without asking for anything in return.  This time has taught me to look at relationships that I value and what I want in future relationships.  Which, in turn, made me realize that what I was agonizing over isn't all that I deserve.  I still love the person as a friend and will forever cherish what we had.  It's just not the right one.

My relationship with work, however, is on a better path.  With the lifting of this heavy cloud, I am able to better evaluate the path that I am on.  I love my work.  I love the people I work with.  I love the different ways I am able to live out what I believe in.  I miss being able to volunteer for the organizations that I believe in, but I'm happy that I can incorporate them into my work.  I was recently invited to be join the board of Catholic Campaign for Human Development and realized that God is definitely paving a path for me in this field.  It's a 3-year commitment, which I look forward to with all my heart once I got past my commitment-phobic phase.  

This actually helped me tremendously in realizing what I want out of my life and, if God wills, from somebody I will share my life with.  First and foremost would be living out my faith in the way God wants me to.  Most important in a partner, as well, would be someone who lives out his faith and places God first.  I believe we are called to evangelize, but this is something I would like to share with a person and not have to teach anymore.  That part is selfish, but important to me.  

From there everything else will follow.  I saw how things fell into place for me this time around and what really made a huge difference.  It was almost as if when I saw that God has put me on this path, I felt more than ever His abundant love for me.  It was always there, but I kept looking everywhere else for it when all he wanted me to look at was right in front of me.  From there I was happier with myself and happier in general.  This, of course, helps Vincent tremendously.  He has told me that he noticed how happy I've been and he thinks it's because I've gotten over being homesick for Manila.  Partly true, maybe.  Even more amazing are the doors that God has opened since then.  But maybe they were always open -- I just wasn't looking in them.

How can we make relationships around us right?  How can we make our work a right relationship?  How can we make our relationships with those who are in need right?  How can we make our relationship with God right?  How can I make my relationship with myself right?

Michi's Mish Mash

I know that I said in my last post that I would write more about Manila, but I think I'll move on to other events that have happpened more recently. I still miss being in Manila and I am still tremendously home sick. Whoever instilled in people's minds that living in the US is far better than being at home should re-think that. I love being here, but love being home even more. Corvallis is beautiful, the people are very friendly, and life is comfortable. There's just something about being home and being surrounded by your people that is very different from life here. I dread waking up to frozen mornings where I have to scrape the windshield as we rush to school. I like the cold on slow, unhurried days. Not when I need to be somewhere in 8 minutes, but have a 12 minute drive on frozen streets. If that was my time crunch in Manila, it wouldn't really matter because you're expected to be late anyway. I also am not too thrilled about the sense of loneliness here. I have friends I love dearly, but there's less interaction because of everybody's "busy" schedules. These are schedules we create for ourselves and then curse as we find ourselves not being able to accomplish everything we had placed on those darned schedules to begin with. Yes, I'm in a mood right now.

It is Valentine's Day. It has become one of those days that I question and have never really cared much for for as long as I can remember. As with many "Days" that we celebrate, it's true meaning has gotten lost and has become a day to patronize restaurants and purchase themed items. Gone are the days of deep love that does not call for consumerism for one another that this day was really meant to celebrate. What has happened to undying, devoted love that simply required devotion even from the confines of a prison cell? I have come to see love as something that thrives only if a person is able to fulfill these questions: What can he/she do for ME? What is that person giving to ME? How does that person make ME feel? We have seem to have forgotten that there are two people, not just one.

We had a discussion at work one day where our pastor asked the married ladies if they would stay with their husband if the husband told them that he had been unfaithful. Almost all said that they would not put up with it. I'm sure most of you who are reading this would agree. That's not being fair to ME, right? My thoughts were different, but I didn't speak up since I wasn't the one being addressed. Where's the unconditional love that could withstand the bumps along the way? The love that keeps on loving the other person no matter what? Our pastor told them that they were so wrong. Love does not mean loving when it is convenient and losing it because of hardship. Love is loving a person wholeheartedly, unconditionally, and should withstand any obstacles. If this love is so easily dissolved, then there was no true union to begin with. The union, which should happen between TWO individuals, was not a true union. As we see separations and divorce happening so frequently and love being disposed of so callously, it has made me question what has happened to true love. Is it something that we will only read about now?

Time to get out of that mood... I mentioned earlier how my guitar teacher, Alex, invited me to join their group. Last night was my first opportunity to join them in concert -- a fundraiser for the Missionaries of the Holy Spirit at the St. Mary's in Albany. It was an incredible experience! First of all, we only practiced as a group twice. We weren't even complete during any of these practices. We were told that it would start at 7:00PM, but the last stragglers would come in about an hour later, we only started practicing a little bit before that (Filipinos! We have to admit we are more Latin American than Asian). The lyrics that we're given are not complete, the order we are to sing the lyrics aren't quite the same as what's typed out, and then more changes happen as we go along (in fact, the last change was told to us as we were setting up for the concert itself and included a small debate as to what was really agreed upon). No sweat... It would all happen. And it did. It was beautiful! Alex is an excellent musician who has had years and years of experience in the music industry. He, in a very laid-back way, has control of the whole show and is very meticulous (in a very laid-back way). We had a full percussion accompaniment, two acoustic guitars, one electric guitar, one bass guitar. We even had a charango (an Andean string instrument, somewhat similar to a ukele or the Philippine rondalla) for a few songs. The best part was being able to sing with two other people I work with -- Ina, the Hispanic Ministry Coordinator, and Barb, our Pastoral Associate. Ina would just tell us to just let the Holy Spirit move us and take over. You know what? You could definitely feel the Holy Spirit working last night. Alex had us all working together as if we've done this a hundred times and the crowd was singing and swaying to the music. All three of us St. Mary's Corvallis staff members want this at our own parish now, which everyone was very eager about. Who knows? We may go on tour someday! One of the members invited me to sing with them all the time and even for his own band. I don't know if I'll do the latter, but tomorrow will be my first time to sing during the Spanish Mass.

The positive aspect of life is that I am making new friends or at least getting to know people a little bit better. These past couple of weeks have been full of that, I must say. Surprisingly enough, these are with people at about my age. Yes, I'm moving beyond my retired ladies, but have definitely not forgotten them. I am quite surprised at the number of single men at our parish. Before people look into that, it's just a fact not something to look into too deeply. As you have read just earlier, romantic love is not high on my priority because of the shallowness and the selfishness that it brings about. I talk about loneliness, but it's an overall loneliness that I feel here. When I was in Manila I don't think I was ever given much time to feel that loneliness because of how people connect with each other. My dear friends here do make time whenever possible and I appreciate that. It's just nice to meet new people who can relate to what you're going through and knows what it's like to be at this age-range in Corvallis. It's hard to explain without hurting people's feelings, but I feel a difference. I don't know if it's just in Corvallis or it's like this anywhere. For now, I have the people who surround me and who God works through. I love them dearly.

Before I end this, I just want to give a shout out to my bird-watching titas and friends! We see a lot of birds here and how I wish I could identify what they all are. There's one field that I pass by everyday and there's always a crane or a herron (I don't know how to distinguish yet) sitting there. One day I noticed a black, swirling tornado. I realized that this was actually a flock of geese coming in for a landing. It was a magnificent sight. There was already a huge circle on the ground, but abovehead there were hundreds circling before settling down on the ground. God has created such beautiful creatures and makes me wonder why we don't see how much more beautiful people are whom He made in his image. During the moods that I get into, I think back to Matthew 6:26-27 in which Jesus says, "Look at the birds in the sky; they do not sow or reap, they gather nothing into barns, yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are not you more important than they? Can any of our by worrying add a single moment to your life span? Whenever I see birds now, I think God is giving me a reminder to stop worrying and to trust in Him. Sometimes harder than others (as noticable earlier), but definitely a good reminder.

Who Am I?

I've had a couple of tags to post 25 things about myself on Facebook, so I've been thinking about this.  Actually...  I think my problem is that I do think about this a lot and this evolves as each day passes and new experiences take place.  For the past couple of years it has been my intent to write about my life.  I can never quite complete it because I find that every time I sit down to write it, my perspective changes.  Of course, this depends on my mood, what had happened that day or that week, or where I am in my life.  

For some random reason, I've been comparing who I am now to who I was in college and the few years after.  I can't quite remember how I got to this, but it's something that I find quite helpful to look at.  This is who I said I would become once I graduated from college:

*  I would own my own firm (accounting when I was an accounting major and then marketing when I was a marketing major).

*  I would have kids only when I was making at least $10,000 per year for each child.  Don't know where I got that random number, but that was my thought.  At that time, too, it didn't matter whether or not there was a father figure (haha, some things actually do come true!).

*  I would be far away from Corvallis.

*  I would marry the man I loved in college (unfortunately, he didn't know I loved him :) )

*  Life would be fun and so would my husband and friends.

A lot of these decisions were made in the midst of trying to make it through college and trying to have as much fun as I could during college and afterwards.  I later came to realize that, as sure as I was that this is what was going to happen, I needed to search and find myself first. 

The years that followed college proved to be my time to grow -- time to grow out of this need for the pursuit of fun.  I worked in marketing and eventually had my own public relations firm.  This is what filled my days.  My nights were spent having fun with friends and doing whatever felt like fun.  Fun, fun, fun...  That was my main concern.  I wanted my work to be fun, my friends had to be fun (which is why I spent so much time with gay men and turned away my serious, catty female friends).  My first serious relationship revolved around enjoying life -- going to the bars, watching movies, eating out, being in THE places to be in, knowing the right people (or so we thought were the right people) -- living the life.  I think I ended up "marrying" him because I got tired of the life and felt the need to stabilize myself.  I would fun myself Monday to Saturday and then sleep all day Sunday.  In the end, I was left feeling drained, empty, and with a son.  I love my son and he truly fills my life, but the fun had to turn into reality.

I continued on with the fun life for a bit even after Vincent.  I dated a man that was a lot of fun to be with -- we talked for hours, enjoyed the same things, and laughed a lot.  But when it came to dealing with "grown up" stuff, we never quite agreed and this led to a lot of arguments.  I feel now that having spent so much time looking for fun, I never found my true self.  Coming back to Corvallis has helped me step back, re-evaluate my life, and let God do His work.  Let Him have a say as to what He wants me to do.  As I mentioned in my previous blog entries, I always felt as if I was doing what I needed to do to pursue my dreams and goals, but these weren't what I was meant to be.  

I may seem like a very late bloomer in figuring out what career-path to take, but I also felt that I needed to experience what I did in order to appreciate this path that I'm on now.  I also feel that the people I was with, the things that I did, the life that I led has helped me to learn about myself.  I learned that I need time spent in total quiet whereas I always thought I needed some kind of noise when I was younger.  I learned that even though I could stay up late and then start early in the morning, that's not what I really enjoy doing -- I like being able to sleep by 10:00PM and having a slow, early start to my day.  I learned that I don't particularly enjoy drinking.  I learned that I don't need to be the HAHAHA-girl all the time and actually enjoy being more of the behind-the-scenes person.  I learned that my faith is very important to me (I've been advised to be open to date men of other denominations and I am realizing that it is important to me to be able to share my faith life with that other person -- personal and work).   I learned that fun can only take you so far and strength in dealing with reality is what will make any endeavor last; whether it be work, friends, and relationships.  I have learned that living out the Gospel in my own way is how I have found who I am truly meant to be because I feel more comfortable in my own skin and I love it.  Alright, I also learned that I am too self-aware, which is not always good because then I also become my biggest critic.  It's good, though, in understanding why I do what I do and hopefully learn from it.

Oh, one last thing I learned...  I love playing the guitar and singing along while I play.  I am not particularly good at either one, but it's so much fun.  I've been asked by my guitar instructor, Alex, to join his choir.  He wants me to start singing with them and then later on play the guitar.  He has more faith in me than I do when it comes to this arena and he must be serious because he dropped by my office yesterday to give me the songs that they sing.  My co-worker/supervisor, Barb, has been singing with the choir so that was encouraging and would be so much fun to do this with her.  No big deal, right?  Well, the choir sings only in Spanish, since they are the choir for the Spanish Mass.  Ayayay....  Why God put this opportunity in front of me, I don't know, but I will have fun with it anyway!

More about Manila again next time!

Words...

I dream though my eyes are wide open

Tears flow even with the joy of a new life

My arms embrace but deep inside I curl into the tightest ball

Smiles and laughter hide the aching heart that lives within me

I ask the ghosts to go away, help me start a brand new day

I look around, what do I find?

He gives me to hope. He grows in me through faith. He offers me never ending love.

How much do I take? How much do I turn away?

These dreams -- of joy, that tight embrace, the smile, my laughter

It's all He wants for me to have

Will I let Him lead me to my brand new day?

Well, Vincent and I have been back for two weeks now. It's been a very full two weeks with work, Vincent's school, work, and some fun. It's nice to be back to some of my routine -- started the crazy hour gym again, getting back into feeling caught up with work (whatever that may feel like), and enjoying being able to cook again. Vincent still misses the irresistably yummy food back home, but for now my cooking satisfies him.

It's a strange feeling though that I still feel like home is back in Manila. My adjustment back to Corvallis life has been harder than adjusting to being home in Manila. I still have very strong homesickness pangs -- none of which I felt when we got to Manila last December. Most of all... I miss the people. I miss the laughter. Sure I am surrounded by great people and we have good laughs here. I can't explain why it's just different. Is it a different sense of humor? Is it a different sense of belonging? I really can't tell you why right now. I just miss the laughter back home.

Yet I also feel as if I am meant to be back in Corvallis. There is a purpose. There's so much about life that I do get to experience and learn here. I learn through other people, through my work, and just being able to sit quietly reflecting on my own life. There have been very tough moments since coming back and I realize that I am still on an emotional roller coaster. Being here forces me to deal with these issues on my own -- sometimes I have no choice as more often than not there's nobody here to cry with me:) I have been able to talk with several wonderful women -- all of whom I love and appreciate. There are some things, though, that I needed to learn by myself.

I must say that the best "glad-to-be-back" feeling was when my officemates and I watched Obama's inauguration last week. It's just an amazing thought that one man can symbolize change -- change for the good. It's even more incredible to think what kind of change people can bring about. Through the collective efforts of millions of people, change was brought to this country. But the ultimate, mind-blowing aspect of Obama becoming president for me is how our children and youth -- of all ethnic descent and gender -- have seen how they can truly become whatever they want to be. Fine, you have to be born an American, so Vincent can never become President of America. But nothing's stopping him now from thinking he can become President of the Philippines! I think if you look at Obama's childhood, you'll see that he and Vincent have some things in common. Going back to my point... No longer is one of the most powerful positions on this planet reserved for white males only. Well... I take that back. It's still quite difficult to become the Pope (thank goodness!). It's also a step towards proving that much can be accomplished when you work towards common good. Now if only we can change his views on abortion... (Do your part in making your voice heard by asking your elected officials to vote against the Freedom of Choice Act!)

I try to remind myself that I will see the beauty of all that is happening now when God feels the time is right. So much has been happening that I often need to remind myself that there is a purpose to all this around me. During some of my low moments I admit that my prayer life was not where I would like it to be and my heart wasn't in the parts of my life that are important. I talked about this with a friend of mine (please pray for her because she was recently told to start looking into assisted living places for herself) and she told me that my work is my prayer. At first I thought I agreed with that notion, but I find myself disagreeing with it now. I don't do what I do in order to get brownie points with God. I do it because I love it and because it's what I feel we were all asked to do -- to use our talents towards spreading God's word and to serve the least of these. My prayer is my time to glorify and praise God, to open myself and my heart to Him, and to quiet myself in order to let Him into my heart. I find that I can do my work even with my heart clenched and my eyes shut tightly while I wallow in misery . What kind of prayer is that? In this sense, I am glad to be back because I see my life and the work that I do for what it truly is and I don't do what I feel others should see.

For now I look forward to planning the bike ride for a local organization that serves women who face unplanned pregnancies. They offer counseling, some medical service, resources, classes, etc. Through their efforts they strive to prevent women from opting for abortion. This is exciting for me because it helps me support an organization that I like in a way that I think would be so much fun.

That's it for now! Live life to the fullest -- it helps during those days you're running on empty!

My Change of Heart, Community, and More

THANK YOU FOR THE MUSIC

Before I get into the serious stuff, I wanted to share this with those who are interested and were supportive of my search for the right guitar and case (even if there was only one in the whole Raon)... I just had my first guitar lesson since coming back to Oregon. My guitar sounds awesome -- in somebody else's hands:) It was so fun to have a lesson again. This guitar does make me sound like I playa little bit better because the strings aren't as hard on my fingers and the body is smaller. I love the guitar!

For those that haven't heard... Tita Chary was kind enough to take me to Raon a second time to find a guitar case. We stopped at the first music store we saw and asked if they had a case for an acoustic guitar. They produced one that was reasonably priced and locally made, but looks like dracula's coffin in the inside with the bright red lining and the outside had some scratches that they were trying very hard to rub away. So we told them we would look around a bit more. We then went to another store that had one, but cost almost four times more than the first one. Since I haven't been booked for any gigs yet, I decided to keep looking. A couple of other stores didn't carry one. We finally found another store that had one, so we asked to see the case. The guy ran off and came back with the case -- the same exact case that we saw in the first store! Tita Chary and I then went back to the first store and bought the case from them. I apologize to all Raon shoppers looking for the one and only acoustic guitar case available in the whole area that I now own.

AND MORE

I think I'll start with the "and more" part of this entry. I have been missing life in Manila so badly. There were so many amusing aspects of life there that I miss.

I miss the "quotation marks". Katrina and Justin pointed this out actually. "Everything" has "quotation marks" for no "apparent reason". Walking around Raon I would see "signs" saying "Sale" "P100". "It's so funny."

Katrina and I would make fun of and complain about how long it would take to buy anything from any department store cashier. You see, it takes at least two people to ring your purchase. There's the one that punches items into the cash register, then there's the one that bags it and staples the receipts. Sometimes there's a third person to circle seemingly random numbers (random to us anyway) on your receipt -- for more efficient stores this is also done by the second person. Oh, they will staple your bag shut at least four times. When you pay, too, they will always ask you for change before they give you your change. I could never understand this! Let's say your purchase is 33 pesos. You give the cashier 40 pesos. Instead of just giving you 7 pesos back, they will ask you if you have 3 pesos. Then she will give you your change. There are times when you end up with more coins than if they would have just given you your change right away.

The songs that I grew to like while living there are still being played -- everywhere. There are a lot of songs that didn't go mainstream here in the US, but highly popular in the Philippines. Who will ever forget Kevy Lattau, Fra Lipo Lippi, Pizzicato Five, Swing Out Sisters, Lighthouse Family? How many times did we dance to "Rock the Boat" and "Buttercup"? Oh, of course, there are those Pia called "suicidal love songs" that sing about losing a loved one who is already in love with somebody else but they're still declaring undying love to that person. Now who would ever do a thing like that in real life? :) There just always seemed to be music playing everywhere -- the grocery stores, malls, security guards station (to which Malina said, "Mama, there's a party!"), restaurants, taxis, department stores, eating areas, tricycles, pedicabs,... Don't forget people who walk around singing whether they're by themselves or with a group of people. Filipinos just love to sing. We've recently been up to visit Katrina and Aki in Portland. We ended the day with an hour of karaoke. Katrina made me sing the hopelessly romantic songs that repeats lines over and over. Such fun! For anybody looking for entertainers, Katrina and I will gladly sing for your parties (who said "entertainers" had to be good?).

I miss Aling Paring. "Aling" is a term used to refer to an older woman. A couple of days before leaving the Philippines my mom, Tita Chary, Vincent and I went to Angeles, Pampanga. Pampanga is another province about two hours away from Manila. They are known for their love for food. We were originally looking for Aling Lucing (an eatery in Pampanga), but was led to Aling Paring. No, not all restaurants are owned by older women. We found this restaurant that was probably once a garage. We were the only ones there and we had no idea if the food would be any good. While waiting for our food Aling Paring herself entertained us and then told us that she would lead us to the stores my mom was looking for. She told us all about her family, the history of her restaurant, how Aling Lucing was tragically murdered, and more. The food was quite good, the atmosphere was quite homey, and we were even given free bananas (the Philippine bananas are the only bananas I like to eat because they are sweeter and better tasting than the cavendish we have available here). It was just such a nice experience.

A BIT OF REFLECTION -- FRIENDS AND COMMUNITY

The local flavor in the Philippines is so full of flavor. I miss the variety, the flair, the idiosyncracies, the humor, the music, and most especially the people... This is not to say that I don't like life in Corvallis. Well, I am a bit homesick right now, but I also do appreciate life here and the friends I've been surrounded with here. One aspect of my life that I am thankful for are the lessons I've learned in making friends and finding community wherever I'm at. I am not a very social person by nature. It is something that I really have to push myself to do -- really, I do. It takes me a while to adapt to any place, but once I get passed the homesick stage I am able to create my circle of friends. Community and home to me is wherever I may be at any stage in my life, at any geographical location. My friends and community have evolved to reflect where I am at my life. Right now I am primarily surrounded mothers, people who do Church-related work, new and old friends, and life-challenged friends. When I was in Manila I was surrounded by fairly new friends, work-related friends, relatives, my gay friends, and family friends. Each person brings gifts and lessons to be learned. Each person brings a different sense of humor, level of conversation, and perspective. This all transcends race, gender, and age. People are truly people wherever they may be, whoever they may be. It's up to us to appreciate, to learn, and to treasure whoever is in front of us wherever we may be, whatever we may be going through.

MY CHANGE OF HEART

Another entry on my heart?! I recently wrote about losing a best friend and what sorrow that brought me. It was my choice to end that relationship and cease all communication. As the days passed (yes, some of you are probably saying it hasn't been that long), I realized how important that friendship is in my life and how tired I am of all the negative emotions that came out of that decision. Due to circumstances of our past and the present, it may be a bit difficult and painful maintaining this friendship. I will take that pain rather than the deep pain that comes with losing that person completely. That person has always held a special place in my heart from the time we first met. Don't ask me why, but the Lord has placed that person there. I've tried to see if I could place someone else in that spot, but it's been designated for that person. I've had a couple of sighs, rolling of the eyes, and one angry reaction at my decision to become friends again. I have decided that I will strive to love even those that are hard to love as we've been asked by Christ to do. This love is difficult, but well worth the effort. This person has been very special to me and people who are special are worth working hard for. I will do this for any friend. I will do this for you.

Black Nazarene, Life Back in Corvallis, and the State of Sorrow

MORE ON THE FEAST OF THE BLACK NAZARENE

This won't be too much longer there is much to cover this evening. As I look at the picture on the left, flashbacks of what that day was like go through my mind. I was quite amazed at the men who would cathc people's handkerchiefs or towels, wipe the image, and then throw it back to whoever handed it to them. According to my aunt, they always get it back to the right person. Talent! I am still inspired by the devotion that the people have for the Black Nazarene. One person said that these people sin throughout the year and then come back this time each year to ask for forgiveness. First of all... Not everybody there is like that, I'm sure. Also, how are we to know that that's what they do. Most importantly, we are all sinners who need to ask for forgiveness. Christ died on the cross so that we may be forgiven. What harm does it do to devote one day and seek forgiveness for the sins that we commit everyday? There is something so deeply moving about seeing so many people giving up their day (this was a weekday) to honor Jesus through their own suffering --seeking forgiveness.

It's difficult to describe what the streets looked like that day. It was just full of people.

This picture was taken from the elevated rail system (LRT) that we took going home. This whole street was full of people going towards the Basilica of the Black Nazarene, or otherwise known as Quiapo Church. This is just one street out of many. We were told that the image did not make it back to the Church until 10:00pm. A lot of people had been there since early in the morning to get a glimpse of the image. The organizers had changed the route this year and plenty of people were against this. Streets leading to the new route were blocked so they were forced to stick to the old route. Nobody really knew where to expect seeing the image because of all the confusion. We were very fortunate to have seen it fairly close. I was told that there was a reason for having seen it this close. I feel as if the blessings came from all the people who were there to honor the Black Nazarene and the opportunity to have been part of all this.

LIFE AFTER MANILA

I have to admit that leaving Manila was very tough. It was equally hard arriving in Oregon. I don't think I've quite recovered yet. I know I haven't gotten over the jetlag as evident by my waking up early, early in the morning and feeling hunger pangs at about 3:30am (7:30pm Manila time -- dinner time!). I miss the people. I miss the countless opportunities for activities around the city. I miss the life.

Upon arriving in Corvallis I thought I could go straight to work. I tried for about an hour and felt my eyes getting heavier by the second. My time at work hasn't been very productive because of other issues that need to be dealt with and my jetlag. I hope to recover soon because there's a lot of work that needs to be done.

NEWS FROM THE HEART

My time back has been very difficult because of other events that have occured in my life that I had to deal with right away. I am not quite sure how much I care to divulge, but feel the need to express my sorrow. I have lost someone very dear to my heart. It's not a death or anything as serious as that. Yet losing a friend has been so very hard for me to take; especially since it's someone I considered to be one of my best friends. Life takes its turns and continuing on with this friendship would just not be healthy for me. I never thought I could feel so much heartache. How could something that's supposed to be the right decision feel so horribly wrong?

I've been advised by so many people for the past few months to end this friendship because of how difficult it has been and because it just wasn't healthy. I clung on to false hopes and dreams. I also held on to the dearest friend I've ever had -- one that I felt understood me better than any other friend. This person always had just the right question to get me thinking. This person knew how to make me laugh. This friend was always ready to listen. This friend showed me what life following Jesus and His Gospel is all about. This friend taught me to be myself because being counter-cultural is OK. This friend has taken me to mountain tops and once worked 5 hours straight to bring me back down safely from one. This friend was somebody I could enjoy the clouds, the stars, and the quiet with. It saddens me that there were other plans for our lives and that being in each other's lives is just not one of those plans. I will miss this dear, dear friend of mine. I will forever treasure the memories we shared and pray only the best for this person.

Some Thoughts on Leaving Manila...

Before I write about the Black Nazarene experience, I thought I would just write about some thoughts that have been going through my mind as I prepare to leave. I have definitely enjoyed being back in Manila. It wasn't what I was expecting. If you talk to some people I was talking with before leaving Corvallis, you'll find out that I had some anxieties about coming back home. These have all been unfounded. I can't believe that by this time tomorrow morning I will be boarding the plane back to the states.

THINGS I LOOK FORWARD TO...

I do look forward to quieter Corvallis. There is a constant hum of noise around us since we are surrounded by major thoroughfares. Just anywhere you go there's a lot of people. Corvallis has the peace and quiet that I really enjoy.

I also look forward to getting back to work and being with the people I work with. I enjoy their company a lot and have missed our morning chats. I also miss the work that I do. I find that being in Manila sort of takes you away from the realities and harshness of life in a wierd sort of way. Poverty is all around us, but we live in a very comfortable and spoiled manner. I am not complaining as I've enjoyed the service deluxe that we've received here. The materialism and importance in image (as evident by all the skin-whitening billboards around) is much more prevelant in Metro Manila -- all of which I don't personally adhere to.

Something I look forward to but I know I will miss is eating a bit more normally. Whenever people want to get together here it always involves a meal. I've enjoyed getting together with so many people -- in fact, there are still a few I would have liked to see but haven't had the time. Yet, I miss my lighter meals and more regular portions. I miss my daily workout which have been derailed due to physical limitations (I want this leg to get better now!). My uncle asked me what my daily workout consists of. I told him it's an early trip to the gym, getting Vincent ready, running errands, cleaning, cooking (only when my mom isn't in Corvallis because she doesn't really like my cooking), washing the dishes, lifting everything myself (there's always people here to do the heavy lifting), doing whatever else needs to be done, and, if there's time and weather permitting, another walk outside. Hmmm... Now I wonder if that was something to be missed :)

THINGS I WILL MISS ABOUT THE PHILIPPINE LIFE

So many aspects of life here is quite humorous. I will miss laughing so much. Just a couple of examples:

1. Whenever you walk into or even just walk by an establishment (usually the fastfood places) you'll here this greeting... "Good morning, sirmam." Sometimes, depending on how good the person is, you'll be greeted good morning all day long. We're still trying to figure out who "sirmam" is. For those who haven't gotten it yet, it's "Sir/Ma'am" -- they just throw out this greeting irregardless of your gender.

2. I've come to the conclusion that all jobs require the ability to sing along with a karaoke. Wherever they sell the Wow Magic Sing (the video karaoke microphone), there's someone singing at the top of his/her lungs. Sometimes you don't mind what you hear, sometimes you do:) Even security guards have been spotted belting out a tune or two.

3. My sister, Katrina, told me that she asked a server if they have a lunch menu (or something like that) at this place that serves salads, she was told, "I'm sorry, Ma'am, but we don't serve foods here." Only in the Philippines... Salad isn't food, it's a filler!

I promised only a couple, but there's so much more to share. I was once told by somebody I worked for at IBM, "Life is so hard here, we just have to laugh it off,"

I will miss being with friends and relatives. This is what I miss most when I'm at Corvallis. Get togethers happen at the slightest hint here. I have grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins, and friends that are easily available. There is no time limit to our time together and no need for internet connection! Hehe... Just a quick example... My uncle invited everybody from my dad's side of the family to lunch yesterday. We had three generations around the table. Before the meal was over my other uncle had invited all of us to dinner at his house that evening and we were all there -- plus a few more! This morning with just a call and a few chat messages I was able to get my grandmother, an aunt, and a couple of cousins to meet up for morning merienda (in between meal-time snack) and lunch. It's pretty much that simple. I love that and will miss it so much.

My time here has been quite surreal, of course. I have not had much responsibilities so it's been a very grand life. Who wouldn't have fun? For some reason I remember being able to live this kind of life even when I was living here. Not that I wasn't working, but I could easily be an entrepreneur with my own time. That life, looking back now, wasn't good for me. I was easily lulled into feeling productive, but really I didn't have much responsibilities. I was busy doing things that I felt was going towards my goals in life, yet at the same time I sort of knew it was always temporary. I was always hoping to go back to the states, so I just kept myself busy. It was always what I thought was important to me, but there was no sense of permanency. I now long to do something similar to my work in Corvallis here in the Philippines. My dream is to find a job that will let me travel to the Philippines to do the work that I love doing. Maybe even to other countries. As for now, more posts when I get back!

The Tide of Philippine Life

I will be leaving for Oregon very soon and I have some mixed feelings about this. I am looking forward to being with my friend who has lost a loved one, to going back to work, and getting Vincent back into his routine. I don't look forward to leaving the warm weather, the visits with friends and relatives (I still haven't seen everybody I was hoping to see), and the feeling of being home. As much as I love Oregon and the people that surround me there, the Philippines is and always will be my home. I may never live here again, but it's the place my soul feels connected to.

LOW TIDE -- ACHES AND PAINS

This vacation has been quite grand and I've experienced so much during my stay here. It hasn't been without its down side, though. For the duration of my stay here, I've had one form of ailment or another. I got here with a slight pain on my right leg that was tolerable. After a run in the village with Katrina and Justin, it just got really bad. True to the Philippine style, this was made somewhat better through massage. We have a masehista (masseusse -- I just know I mangled that word!) who goes to my grandparent's house regularly. She's been by a couple of times to give my muscles (hehe...) a strong rub down and to get my right leg back to working form again. There were times when I would limp along and couldn't even carry Malina up a flight of stairs. As of now there's a slight pain when I make certain movements, so I just don't make those movements -- problem solved!

I've also had a constant cold or allergy. The pollution really does not help. To make things worse, the building next to us is being torn down by about 10 men. Yes, they are jackhammering and pounding their way down bit by bit. This building was a small one -- about 12 to 15 stories -- and it's now down to about 9 stories. So we have all sorts of debris flying as they make way for a four-star hotel.

Buildings around us here are a bit bigger then the ones in Corvallis. The building seen in this picture (the one that's not being torn down) is about 40 stories, the one next to it is about 60 stories high,... To the other side of us, they get even bigger and taller. I can't say I enjoy being in this concrete and glass jungle.

TIDE COMING IN -- BEACH AND WAVES

This is when the waters come crashing in and the tide is rising. So, it's not quite low and not quite high...

Before Katrina, Justin, and Malina left we were able to squeeze in an out-of-town trip to the beach with my Tita (aunt) Chary. We decided that we were going to Puerto Galera, which meant a two-hour ride to the Batangas City port and then an hour-and-a-half boat ride. Wow! Sounds heavenly! My stomach had been feeling a bit funny for a couple of days, but I thought it was nothing and would just go away. So off we went... We were so excited to see our "boat", which was actually a large-size banca (a Filipino outrigger used primarily by fishermen). This is much bigger than the ones used by fishermen, but was designed with seats running down the sides and they had rows of plastic seats down the middle facing forward. Choosing the lesser of two evils, we chose to stay on the sides. We didn't have much choice actually as the boat was quite full both ways. The waves were quite strong because of the time of the year and because there was a storm somewhere in the region. Let's just say that some of us came out lighter than when we got in the boat :) I was very thankful that I decided not to bring Vincent along because this kind of boat ride would have been too traumatic for him. From that point on I had major issues with my stomach that would last throughout our trip.

The beach itself, though, was wonderful! Our resort was right by the beach, the ocean was beautifully blue, and the sound of the waves would just lull you into relaxation. Katrina and I got massages on the beach, Malina loved playing on the sand and in the water, and we all got the much-needed time away from the city. Tita Chary bought a tuna from a fisherman who had just caught it not too long ago and she had a small restaurant next to our hotel prepare it for us. They grilled the head and tail of the tuna and made kinilaw (the Filipino version of ceviche) with the middle part of the fish. YUM! As you can tell, I didn't help my stomach situation any by indulging in this seafood fest. I wish I could have spent some time inside the water but my state of well-being kept me from taking part in any water activities.

HIGH TIDE -- FIESTA DE PADRE NUESTRO HESUS NAZARENO

This next portion actually deserves more than just a paragraph or two. On January 9th, I went along with Tita Chary (yes, she is our own official tour guide!) and her friend, Salve, to the Fiesta de Padre Nuestro Hesus Nazareno (we don't have the letter "J" in our alphabet, so we use the letter "H") or otherwise called Feast of the Black Nazarene. For any of you who plan on being in the Philippines on this day, you MUST take part in this celebration. This is the feast day in which they honor the Patron Saint of Forgiveness and Atonement. Men carry throughout the streets of the old part of Manila, or Quiapo (kiyapo), the image of the Black Nazarene. This life-size image of Jesus carrying His cross was brought over by the Spaniards in the 1600's (about the time they came to conquer the Philippines). The boat that was carrying this image caught on fire, thus blackening the face and hands of Christ. Every years millions of people take to the streets to honor this Patron Saint who is said to bring about forgiveness, peace to our nation, and peace to our families. Groups of devotees bring their own images of the Black Nazarene to this area. Some come from miles and miles away. They start their journey the day or night before and walk to Quiapo to take part in this procession. The most incredible part of this procession is all those who take part in this (all men) come barefoot. As any image of the Black Nazarene walk by, people reach out to touch His face and seek blessing. We were very fortunate to see the actual image as close as we did. My Tita says that this the closest she has ever seen it in all the years that she has been coming to this fiesta. As the actual image processes by, you hear this roar that could be heard from miles away. The roar comes from the people who are shouting and waving their handkerchiefs (which they use to wipe any image that walks by and they keep this as a sign of the blessings they've received) as the Black Nazarene comes before them. This year they say there were two million people -- that's almost the whole of Oregon in one small area of Manila!!!

It is such a profound and moving experience. The devotion that the people have to the Black Nazarene is so strong. It is hard not to feel a sense of hope and faith in the midst of the sea of people. People come here to ask for forgiveness and to seek hope for the future. As I wallow in my own personal woes, I realize that if these people -- most of whom are living in such poverty -- have hope that I must have hope as well. It may seem odd that so much hope is given through a statue (which I suppose why we Catholics are sometimes accused of worshiping idols), but I firmly believe it was a way of accepting the faith that was once forced upon the people by the Spaniards -- a fusion of sorts. When the Spaniards took over all these countries, the people were worshipping idols (animals, people, other forms of nature) -- images they could see. The people must have sought ways to carry out their faith in ways they knew how in order to be able to accept what the Spaniards were forcing them to do. I see the Filipino faith being based on rituals and celebrations. There is a growing number of people who will sit down and discuss their faith life, discuss the Bible, how they've grown into it, how they have made it their own -- but this seems to come from the influences of priests and missionaries from outside. Those who are more traditional honor the statues, celebrate feast days, go to Mass regularly, of course, and see God as the center of the people and not their own personal friend.

As it may seem obvious, I will have to devote some more time to this Feast day. This is quite lengthy as it is and I need to get moving for the next item on our agenda here. I will post another entry soon. For the meantime, I thank you for reading this far.