Power

I just came from the most stressful meeting I've had this month. Every month I meet with a group of people who are working towards the same mission, but I dread each and every one of these meetings. I like each person around the table as individuals, but put everybody together and a totally different beast emerges. Fine, not everybody is like that. There are some people in the room that are consistently nice and are there for the greater purpose of serving our community. There are some who I question why they choose to be in this group.

I realize that it is not in my place to judge each person's intention. In my ideal world, this group would get together and discuss the ails of our society and find ways to make the world better. That is how in my utopia the world would be -- everybody gathering around as a community to talk about how we can help each other. We would discuss as equals -- irregardless of age, race, gender, ethnicity, political inclinations, wealth, etc... There are evening that are better than others. This evening was not one of those.

I was questioned about work that I'm doing on my own personal time, my position was questioned, my effectiveness as a Social Justice Coordinator was scrutinized -- you name it, I got it. All from one person. Another main question was why were they not informed of work that is going on. Dang. If nothing is happening, they're not happy. Now that things are happening without them having to do any of the work, they're still not happy. What do you want?! This was all from one person.

That's all it took to make me feel smaller than the Hershey Kiss sitting on the table. One person. We were obviously not there as equals. Her length of time spent in this group and her age made her my obvious superior and she wanted me to know that. There were history lessons left and right as to how things were done in the past. There were references to what other people did. My role in the group, in the first place, is not to lead. They have a Chair. I am a liaison between the group and the pastoral office. I am there to help with their administrative needs (like reserving a room, making photocopies, locating resources, etc.), and to be the connection between them and other groups and agencies in the Church and in the community. I am there to be their guide in living out our Catholic Social Teachings.

What is it that makes people seek power over others? Why is there always a need for clear chains of command? Why do we seek to make it clear where we each stand in this society? Why do we result to power struggles in order to be the one in the right? Why was I being picked on?

My biggest mistake? I mentioned my being on the board of an organization that I believe in. My initial thought was that she was concerned that I would burn out from the time commitment. No. She was concerned that I would not be available for her to catch me in the office when she wanted me there. WHAT????!!! I had just told her that the meetings were in the evenings in Portland and would leave after my normal office hours. When I realized her biggest concern, I found myself explaining that since Vincent is in school I can't leave until after he's done so I would just be in the office, blah, blah, blah. I didn't have to justify to her why I wanted to be on this board. I didn't have to explain to her that I will not use my work hours for this. Yet I found myself telling her that if she felt that it had nothing to do with my job, then I would take this on as a personal commitment. Why? Because I believe in supporting the board that works in addressing the root cause of this nation's poor. An organization that was conceptualized and put into action by the Bishops of the United States. A board being overseen by our Archdiocese. What the heck does she want?

As if that wasn't enough... She wants a copy of my job description so that she knows how she can use me within the parameters as dictated by a sheet of paper. Never have I told her that I couldn't do something because it's not within my job description. I was making freaking popcorn for her. Did I use my comp time to get out of work during the day because I did that. No. Now she questions me? She then proceeded to say a bunch of things that all boiled down to insinuating that there was a lack of participation in the meeting because of my inability to keep the group together. AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!! She didn't even know why people weren't there. I had to explain that as well.

Seeing as she's much older than I am I had to formulate my words well before I could say anything in fear of being rude. I just couldn't sit back, though, and let her diminish my role in that group. I did all I could to hold back the tears. It took all my strength to keep my butt on that chair and my legs from walking out.

You know what was hardest for me? She was questioning my work. She was questioning something that I absolutely love, live and breathe. This is not a punch-in and punch-out job. I do this because I love the Church and love the people that we serve. I do this because this is how I feel called to live out my faith. It's more than a paycheck. It's because I am so thankful for all the blessings I've been given and this is how I am able to express my gratitude. I do this because I cannot stand to see people suffer from all forms of injustice. I do this because it's what my heart cries out to do. And I do what I can. To have all this questioned was like telling me I'm not loving Jesus and the Church as I should. It was also just making me feel really bad.

Is it worth my energy to fight back to regain the power she took away from me during that excruciating hour and a half? No. Is it worth the time blogging about it? No. It does feel good to just get it out of my system. Do I know why she wanted to exert her power over me? No. Perhaps she had a long day. Maybe she really is unhappy with the work that I do. Will I think any less of her? I hope not. She is very well respected. She does her work tirelessly. She's entitled to her opinion. I hope to find inside me the ability to understand her and gain something out of this. For now... This beer tastes darn good and I look forward to being at work tomorrow.