Resolutions

I started off 2009 with a set of resolutions that were quite different from my past New Year's Resolutions. It was quite simple, really... Live, Love, Laugh. It seemed quite cheesy at first, but this, by far, has been the first year where I am actually able to live out my resolutions and feel better about life in the process. There are some that I live out on a daily basis and there are some that are yet to come.

LIVE

Life has been very full lately with activities work and non-work related. I've mentioned singing with the Spanish Mass Choir. We will be having a concert on May 3rd as a fundraiser and will then be performing at the 25th Anniversary celebration of our pastor. Guitar classes are progressing; at least I hope that's what my guitar teacher thinks. Work is happily busy. There are plenty of meetings during the day and more in the evenings. Days are spent talking with people, faith sharing, various activities, and lots of laughter. I love it, love it, love it!

I also have a couple of trips lined up. Katrina and I are talking about taking the kids to Disneyland next month. I better work on this because my calendar is getting quite full for the month of April as it is. Another trip that I'm very excited about is the Guadalupe Pilgrimage. Our Pastoral Associate, Barb Anderson, has been taking groups down to Cuernavaca, Mexico and Mexico City for a retreat pilgrimage. Along with her is our Hispanic Ministry Coordinator, Ina Hecker. They are also the ones that I sing with in the choir. I look forward to visiting Mexico and experience this retreat pilgrimage with Barb and Ina.

Since the start of the year I feel as if I grab more opportunities to live my life fuller than I have been. At every turn I feel God's presence and blessings. I feel that when I was able to drop the woe-is-me attitude, God-in-me stepped in!

LAUGH

Laughter has been a huge part of this year. Work is always a good source of laughter with people that I work with. We always manage to talk about topics that lead to laughter. Our pastor, Fr. John, is also very good at entertaining us. I am so very thankful to be in a working environment that encourages time to gather and be a community. Jean Morrison, our Youth Minister, has also brought a lot of laughter into the office. Jean, her husband, Bert, and some other friends also gather from time to time to just have dinner together and laugh all night long. Sometimes we just sit around and talk, others we play games. The blessing of all this is there have been people that I never thought of as friends have now become a part of this lively group. Other people have been brought into my life and have brought so much laughter. I have proof that laughter makes you look and feel younger!

LOVE

My resolution to love has more to do with the love of people that I wish to serve. I was so stressed and burned out by the end of last year that I was struggling inside because my capacity to empathize with the people needing help was feeling diminished. I wanted to be able to help as much as possible, but I was growing more and more tired even annoyed at times. As I look back, I think it was because I was operating on the basis that this was work. My sights were so set on other aspects of love, that I was forgetting to love my neighbors. I had lost sight of those that God really wants me to love. My brain knew who needed to be helped, but my heart was elsewhere. God gave me a heart, though, that can carry all. There's room to love those I already love and more room to love those who need more love.

I find now that when I see the person in front of me as someone God wants me to love, I am able to help them in a way that is good for them as well. I am finding that more of the people that I talk to not only need financial help, but knowing that there is somebody who will care for them when they need it. I can't say that I am to take credit for this because I really think it's something God has placed in my capacity.

He has given me more opportunities to speak of His love with those in front of me than I have ever had. Most recently was a homeless man who was suicidal and homicidal. Those in charge of the homeless shelter think he is bipolar. He found himself in our office needing some spiritual uplifting. I was sitting with my co-workers drinking coffee when he entered the office. He didn't make eye contact with anybody and pretended to read the brochures that we had out front. I went up to him and this led to a lengthy conversation. All he needed was somebody to tell him that he is still loved by God even though he is feeling angry towards him. I had tons of things to do that day, but my heart would not let him out of the door until I felt he was ready to. This is the kind of love that I seek for this year. Love for those hardest to love. Love for those others would turn away. Love for those who God sends my way. There are times when this is the hardest of the three (live, love, laugh) because it is one I have the least control over. Yet it is the most soul-satisfying and helps me to achieve living and laughing.

As we come close to putting a fourth of the year behind us, I look forward to more days of sunshine (oh please, please come already!), opportunities to take in God's awesome creation in the nature that surrounds us, and the priviledge (our duty, really) to be His hands and feet on this earth. I hope to move forward with my resolutions and make it my life goals. As simple as it may seem, it is at the core of how I long to live.

Power

I just came from the most stressful meeting I've had this month. Every month I meet with a group of people who are working towards the same mission, but I dread each and every one of these meetings. I like each person around the table as individuals, but put everybody together and a totally different beast emerges. Fine, not everybody is like that. There are some people in the room that are consistently nice and are there for the greater purpose of serving our community. There are some who I question why they choose to be in this group.

I realize that it is not in my place to judge each person's intention. In my ideal world, this group would get together and discuss the ails of our society and find ways to make the world better. That is how in my utopia the world would be -- everybody gathering around as a community to talk about how we can help each other. We would discuss as equals -- irregardless of age, race, gender, ethnicity, political inclinations, wealth, etc... There are evening that are better than others. This evening was not one of those.

I was questioned about work that I'm doing on my own personal time, my position was questioned, my effectiveness as a Social Justice Coordinator was scrutinized -- you name it, I got it. All from one person. Another main question was why were they not informed of work that is going on. Dang. If nothing is happening, they're not happy. Now that things are happening without them having to do any of the work, they're still not happy. What do you want?! This was all from one person.

That's all it took to make me feel smaller than the Hershey Kiss sitting on the table. One person. We were obviously not there as equals. Her length of time spent in this group and her age made her my obvious superior and she wanted me to know that. There were history lessons left and right as to how things were done in the past. There were references to what other people did. My role in the group, in the first place, is not to lead. They have a Chair. I am a liaison between the group and the pastoral office. I am there to help with their administrative needs (like reserving a room, making photocopies, locating resources, etc.), and to be the connection between them and other groups and agencies in the Church and in the community. I am there to be their guide in living out our Catholic Social Teachings.

What is it that makes people seek power over others? Why is there always a need for clear chains of command? Why do we seek to make it clear where we each stand in this society? Why do we result to power struggles in order to be the one in the right? Why was I being picked on?

My biggest mistake? I mentioned my being on the board of an organization that I believe in. My initial thought was that she was concerned that I would burn out from the time commitment. No. She was concerned that I would not be available for her to catch me in the office when she wanted me there. WHAT????!!! I had just told her that the meetings were in the evenings in Portland and would leave after my normal office hours. When I realized her biggest concern, I found myself explaining that since Vincent is in school I can't leave until after he's done so I would just be in the office, blah, blah, blah. I didn't have to justify to her why I wanted to be on this board. I didn't have to explain to her that I will not use my work hours for this. Yet I found myself telling her that if she felt that it had nothing to do with my job, then I would take this on as a personal commitment. Why? Because I believe in supporting the board that works in addressing the root cause of this nation's poor. An organization that was conceptualized and put into action by the Bishops of the United States. A board being overseen by our Archdiocese. What the heck does she want?

As if that wasn't enough... She wants a copy of my job description so that she knows how she can use me within the parameters as dictated by a sheet of paper. Never have I told her that I couldn't do something because it's not within my job description. I was making freaking popcorn for her. Did I use my comp time to get out of work during the day because I did that. No. Now she questions me? She then proceeded to say a bunch of things that all boiled down to insinuating that there was a lack of participation in the meeting because of my inability to keep the group together. AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!! She didn't even know why people weren't there. I had to explain that as well.

Seeing as she's much older than I am I had to formulate my words well before I could say anything in fear of being rude. I just couldn't sit back, though, and let her diminish my role in that group. I did all I could to hold back the tears. It took all my strength to keep my butt on that chair and my legs from walking out.

You know what was hardest for me? She was questioning my work. She was questioning something that I absolutely love, live and breathe. This is not a punch-in and punch-out job. I do this because I love the Church and love the people that we serve. I do this because this is how I feel called to live out my faith. It's more than a paycheck. It's because I am so thankful for all the blessings I've been given and this is how I am able to express my gratitude. I do this because I cannot stand to see people suffer from all forms of injustice. I do this because it's what my heart cries out to do. And I do what I can. To have all this questioned was like telling me I'm not loving Jesus and the Church as I should. It was also just making me feel really bad.

Is it worth my energy to fight back to regain the power she took away from me during that excruciating hour and a half? No. Is it worth the time blogging about it? No. It does feel good to just get it out of my system. Do I know why she wanted to exert her power over me? No. Perhaps she had a long day. Maybe she really is unhappy with the work that I do. Will I think any less of her? I hope not. She is very well respected. She does her work tirelessly. She's entitled to her opinion. I hope to find inside me the ability to understand her and gain something out of this. For now... This beer tastes darn good and I look forward to being at work tomorrow.