I'm always wanting to write about what's going on or what's on my mind, but finding the time to just sit down for at least an hour is such rare occurence. It's something I wish I could do more often and really need because it's how I best express myself. There are just too many things I need and want to do, so writing suffers.
HAPPINESS
So many things have happened these past few weeks. The passing away of my friend and co-worker, Sue, was not a happy event. But for the most part everything else has been very good. Today our pastor, Fr. John, focused his Homily on "The thrill of victory, the agony of defeat." What I liked and related to the most was his saying how all of us at one point in our lives have felt defeat -- defeat to the point of not wanting to live on and just losing hope. During the times that I've felt the lowest I have gotten so many advice from people around me. One that Fr. John pointed out was to eat, some friends turned to partying all night, some friends wanted to talk things to death, and others got to the point where they had to practice tough love and refused to talk to me during my self-inflicted depressed state. Earlier this year brought me to one of my lowest moments. All the well-intentioned advice helped me through for a short while, but the one that truly gave me strength was prayer, the knowledge that God was there for me even when I was so angry at him, and just my continued faith that God would help me out of this lowest moment. The happiness I feel now is living proof of His grace.
Throughout the tough times I forced myself to pray because it was not coming easily. Barb told me to just pray one decade of the Rosary in the morning and another in the evening. I did that using a decade rosary given to me by a friend. All the while I maintained a routine of meeting up with friends even though there were times when I just did not have the energy to do so. As spring came along, life started to take a different turn. I met Bruce and began to spend more and more time with him. My outlook on life became more and more hopeful. To the point now where I know that I have met the man that I am meant to spend the rest of my life with.
I reflect on my time with my friends and even that has changed. A dear friend of mine that I have lunch with every month told me how much I've changed over the past several months. She said that when she first met me (approximately 4 years ago) and up to last year, I was so serious and just not much fun. We still enjoyed each other's conversations, but she said that I took life so seriously. She says now I beam and she can tell how much more I'm enjoying life. She's so right. I have learned once again that it's OK to laugh, to feel secure in my capabilities, and to just be myself.
It's such a wonderful blessing to be able to laugh so much once again. Earlier this year I realized how much I missed laughing. It almost felt like I hadn't done that in four years. I felt as if the most laughter I had had was when I was working in the preschool. I even made it a resolution to laugh more this year. This is the first year that I can honestly say that I am living out my resolutions. I am once again living my life, I have found love and am loved, and my relationship with Bruce is so full of laughter. What a blessing from God! No other being on this Earth could have possibly given me this wonderful gift.
When Bruce and I decided on a date for our wedding, we picked a date that would work best for us. The day after we chose the date, we realized that the date we chose is the Feast Day of Our Lady of Guadalupe. Bruce likes Our Lady of Guadalupe so much that he carries a card with her image in his car. Our parish always has a celebration on this day, so I worried that we would not be able to get the Church on this day. Turns out that since the day is on a Saturday, the festivities have to be moved to the morning. Not only would we be able to use the Church later that day, but they would leave all the roses for us to use for our wedding -- Bruce's favorite flower! When I was discussing these details with my co-worker, Ina Hecker, she pointed out to me that Our Lady of Guadalupe is the Patron Saint of marriages. This gave me goosebumps because it further re-affirmed the fact that this relationship is really a gift from God. A few days back I was holding on to the decade rosary given to me by my friend, the one that I used to pray during my lowest moments, I realized something that gave me goosebumps once again. This decade rosary was purchased from the Basilica of Our Lady of Guadalupe in Mexico City, Mexico. I always believed in miracles, but this is the biggest miracle of my life yet. It is most especially one that I never expected to happen in my life. Earlier this year I was so sure that I would spend the rest of my days alone. Now I am planning to spend the rest of my days with the only man that has ever brought me so much laughter, joy, care, and love.
I am surrounded by so much love and happiness. My friends could not be happier for me -- one got on her knees and thanked God, one immediately offered her services for any help that I would need during these busy planning months, and another was in tears. God has blessed me with such dear friends. Musician friends have offered their services for the wedding itself -- we're going to have the best music at our wedding! Vincent is excited that Bruce and Alex will soon be a part part of our lives. My mom is impressed with Bruce's willingness to help in any way he can. And I just thoroughly the laughter that fills the room when we all get together.
Bruce does so much to lift me up and to encourage me. He tells me everyday how much he loves me, how intelligent and beautiful I am (haha, still hard for me to accept; espcecially when I've been told in the past that I'm not :) ), and always wants what's best for me. His kindness, affection, love, intellect, sense of humor, and capability to care deeply amazes me and touches me so deeply. I thank God for sharing with me his son and allowing me to care for him for the rest of my life. I thank Him for the love of Vincent, family, and relatives. I thank Him for all the people He has surrounded me with.
