My New Blog

Hi everybody! As much as I've enjoyed blogging on this site, I am now moving to my own blog site. It can be accessed two ways:

1. Go to www.caldwellsinaction.com and click on Michi's Blog, or

2. Access my blog directly by going to michisblog.caldwellsinaction.com

Hope you check it out from time to time!

What Do I Believe In?

Sometimes having years under your belt (otherwise know as being old) means you have wisdom to share. Other times it means you've received so much negative input, you start to believe in them. As much as we want to take control of our lives and not let past hurts or words determine who you are now, it's often hard to quiet the voices that ring through the years.

I know I'm a victim to this incesant ringing. It leads me to question my decisions, question people's sincere compliments, question my capabilities... You know, this just leads to so much negativity and stress. I am so aware of my limitations and lack of capabilities because this is what I've heard other people tell me. It could have been a teacher, a passing acquaintance, a serious relationship, friends, family, and so many people who have crossed my path. Sometimes I know they mean well, but it has led to a bank of inequities that I've decided to store in my mind. It's scary how these thoughts will so quickly overpower any positive thought whether or not they were right to begin with. Bruce will so often tell me that he thinks I'm very intelligent, but there's this voice that rings through that once said I wasn't interesting enough or another that told me they weren't learning anything from me. Hard words to hear coming from people you love. Bruce can tell me 200 times a day that he finds me interesting and intelligent, but I'll never fully accept it.

My past few days have been stressful because I was struggling with Vincent and not seeing how I could possibly help him. Again the old voices told me that I may not be able to do what Vincent needs me to do. I lashed out on him, on Bruce, and the rest of the world. I'm already short, but I felt even shorter. It's a scary place to be in.

But even with all this, there's something that I believe in much stronger. There's one voice that speaks out louder than all the rest. No, it's not Bruce. He has been such a strong support through it all, but there's one much stronger than him. Hard to believe, but it's true. I was driving home from Women's Group and this silent voice screamed through my thoughts. "There is hope. Trust me. Vincent has hope. Have faith in me. There is hope." Almost immediately, I felt my shoulders relax and I was able to breathe deeply once again. Even though it was past 9:00PM already (for us that's quite late already!) I had this sudden rush of energy and feeling of happiness.

It's become clear to me that when I listen to my own voice and want to control everything, I don't accomplish much. I know my limitations and failings. I know what others have told me my limitations are and what I've failed at. But to let it all go and let God take control means handing it all to someone much greater than I am. Through me He can accomplish anything. Through Him I can accomplish anything. It may seem simple, but I am human. It's not that simple. I want that control. I want that power. My human mind will always entertain any temptation presented to me. Letting it all go requires work, but it then frees me.

What do I believe in? I believe in God. I believe in His great, abundant love. I believe that He cares for me, Vincent, and Bruce because I see how He has cared for the birds in the sky. I believe in His plan for me even when I struggle and want Him to tell me what it is. I believe that He loves me even when I'm frustrated with Him. I believe that He is in everybody around me. I believe that He knows just what I need and will provide. I believe in the lasting joy that can only be found through Him. Yeah. That's what I believe in.