Who Am I?

I've had a couple of tags to post 25 things about myself on Facebook, so I've been thinking about this.  Actually...  I think my problem is that I do think about this a lot and this evolves as each day passes and new experiences take place.  For the past couple of years it has been my intent to write about my life.  I can never quite complete it because I find that every time I sit down to write it, my perspective changes.  Of course, this depends on my mood, what had happened that day or that week, or where I am in my life.  

For some random reason, I've been comparing who I am now to who I was in college and the few years after.  I can't quite remember how I got to this, but it's something that I find quite helpful to look at.  This is who I said I would become once I graduated from college:

*  I would own my own firm (accounting when I was an accounting major and then marketing when I was a marketing major).

*  I would have kids only when I was making at least $10,000 per year for each child.  Don't know where I got that random number, but that was my thought.  At that time, too, it didn't matter whether or not there was a father figure (haha, some things actually do come true!).

*  I would be far away from Corvallis.

*  I would marry the man I loved in college (unfortunately, he didn't know I loved him :) )

*  Life would be fun and so would my husband and friends.

A lot of these decisions were made in the midst of trying to make it through college and trying to have as much fun as I could during college and afterwards.  I later came to realize that, as sure as I was that this is what was going to happen, I needed to search and find myself first. 

The years that followed college proved to be my time to grow -- time to grow out of this need for the pursuit of fun.  I worked in marketing and eventually had my own public relations firm.  This is what filled my days.  My nights were spent having fun with friends and doing whatever felt like fun.  Fun, fun, fun...  That was my main concern.  I wanted my work to be fun, my friends had to be fun (which is why I spent so much time with gay men and turned away my serious, catty female friends).  My first serious relationship revolved around enjoying life -- going to the bars, watching movies, eating out, being in THE places to be in, knowing the right people (or so we thought were the right people) -- living the life.  I think I ended up "marrying" him because I got tired of the life and felt the need to stabilize myself.  I would fun myself Monday to Saturday and then sleep all day Sunday.  In the end, I was left feeling drained, empty, and with a son.  I love my son and he truly fills my life, but the fun had to turn into reality.

I continued on with the fun life for a bit even after Vincent.  I dated a man that was a lot of fun to be with -- we talked for hours, enjoyed the same things, and laughed a lot.  But when it came to dealing with "grown up" stuff, we never quite agreed and this led to a lot of arguments.  I feel now that having spent so much time looking for fun, I never found my true self.  Coming back to Corvallis has helped me step back, re-evaluate my life, and let God do His work.  Let Him have a say as to what He wants me to do.  As I mentioned in my previous blog entries, I always felt as if I was doing what I needed to do to pursue my dreams and goals, but these weren't what I was meant to be.  

I may seem like a very late bloomer in figuring out what career-path to take, but I also felt that I needed to experience what I did in order to appreciate this path that I'm on now.  I also feel that the people I was with, the things that I did, the life that I led has helped me to learn about myself.  I learned that I need time spent in total quiet whereas I always thought I needed some kind of noise when I was younger.  I learned that even though I could stay up late and then start early in the morning, that's not what I really enjoy doing -- I like being able to sleep by 10:00PM and having a slow, early start to my day.  I learned that I don't particularly enjoy drinking.  I learned that I don't need to be the HAHAHA-girl all the time and actually enjoy being more of the behind-the-scenes person.  I learned that my faith is very important to me (I've been advised to be open to date men of other denominations and I am realizing that it is important to me to be able to share my faith life with that other person -- personal and work).   I learned that fun can only take you so far and strength in dealing with reality is what will make any endeavor last; whether it be work, friends, and relationships.  I have learned that living out the Gospel in my own way is how I have found who I am truly meant to be because I feel more comfortable in my own skin and I love it.  Alright, I also learned that I am too self-aware, which is not always good because then I also become my biggest critic.  It's good, though, in understanding why I do what I do and hopefully learn from it.

Oh, one last thing I learned...  I love playing the guitar and singing along while I play.  I am not particularly good at either one, but it's so much fun.  I've been asked by my guitar instructor, Alex, to join his choir.  He wants me to start singing with them and then later on play the guitar.  He has more faith in me than I do when it comes to this arena and he must be serious because he dropped by my office yesterday to give me the songs that they sing.  My co-worker/supervisor, Barb, has been singing with the choir so that was encouraging and would be so much fun to do this with her.  No big deal, right?  Well, the choir sings only in Spanish, since they are the choir for the Spanish Mass.  Ayayay....  Why God put this opportunity in front of me, I don't know, but I will have fun with it anyway!

More about Manila again next time!

Words...

I dream though my eyes are wide open

Tears flow even with the joy of a new life

My arms embrace but deep inside I curl into the tightest ball

Smiles and laughter hide the aching heart that lives within me

I ask the ghosts to go away, help me start a brand new day

I look around, what do I find?

He gives me to hope. He grows in me through faith. He offers me never ending love.

How much do I take? How much do I turn away?

These dreams -- of joy, that tight embrace, the smile, my laughter

It's all He wants for me to have

Will I let Him lead me to my brand new day?

Well, Vincent and I have been back for two weeks now. It's been a very full two weeks with work, Vincent's school, work, and some fun. It's nice to be back to some of my routine -- started the crazy hour gym again, getting back into feeling caught up with work (whatever that may feel like), and enjoying being able to cook again. Vincent still misses the irresistably yummy food back home, but for now my cooking satisfies him.

It's a strange feeling though that I still feel like home is back in Manila. My adjustment back to Corvallis life has been harder than adjusting to being home in Manila. I still have very strong homesickness pangs -- none of which I felt when we got to Manila last December. Most of all... I miss the people. I miss the laughter. Sure I am surrounded by great people and we have good laughs here. I can't explain why it's just different. Is it a different sense of humor? Is it a different sense of belonging? I really can't tell you why right now. I just miss the laughter back home.

Yet I also feel as if I am meant to be back in Corvallis. There is a purpose. There's so much about life that I do get to experience and learn here. I learn through other people, through my work, and just being able to sit quietly reflecting on my own life. There have been very tough moments since coming back and I realize that I am still on an emotional roller coaster. Being here forces me to deal with these issues on my own -- sometimes I have no choice as more often than not there's nobody here to cry with me:) I have been able to talk with several wonderful women -- all of whom I love and appreciate. There are some things, though, that I needed to learn by myself.

I must say that the best "glad-to-be-back" feeling was when my officemates and I watched Obama's inauguration last week. It's just an amazing thought that one man can symbolize change -- change for the good. It's even more incredible to think what kind of change people can bring about. Through the collective efforts of millions of people, change was brought to this country. But the ultimate, mind-blowing aspect of Obama becoming president for me is how our children and youth -- of all ethnic descent and gender -- have seen how they can truly become whatever they want to be. Fine, you have to be born an American, so Vincent can never become President of America. But nothing's stopping him now from thinking he can become President of the Philippines! I think if you look at Obama's childhood, you'll see that he and Vincent have some things in common. Going back to my point... No longer is one of the most powerful positions on this planet reserved for white males only. Well... I take that back. It's still quite difficult to become the Pope (thank goodness!). It's also a step towards proving that much can be accomplished when you work towards common good. Now if only we can change his views on abortion... (Do your part in making your voice heard by asking your elected officials to vote against the Freedom of Choice Act!)

I try to remind myself that I will see the beauty of all that is happening now when God feels the time is right. So much has been happening that I often need to remind myself that there is a purpose to all this around me. During some of my low moments I admit that my prayer life was not where I would like it to be and my heart wasn't in the parts of my life that are important. I talked about this with a friend of mine (please pray for her because she was recently told to start looking into assisted living places for herself) and she told me that my work is my prayer. At first I thought I agreed with that notion, but I find myself disagreeing with it now. I don't do what I do in order to get brownie points with God. I do it because I love it and because it's what I feel we were all asked to do -- to use our talents towards spreading God's word and to serve the least of these. My prayer is my time to glorify and praise God, to open myself and my heart to Him, and to quiet myself in order to let Him into my heart. I find that I can do my work even with my heart clenched and my eyes shut tightly while I wallow in misery . What kind of prayer is that? In this sense, I am glad to be back because I see my life and the work that I do for what it truly is and I don't do what I feel others should see.

For now I look forward to planning the bike ride for a local organization that serves women who face unplanned pregnancies. They offer counseling, some medical service, resources, classes, etc. Through their efforts they strive to prevent women from opting for abortion. This is exciting for me because it helps me support an organization that I like in a way that I think would be so much fun.

That's it for now! Live life to the fullest -- it helps during those days you're running on empty!

My Change of Heart, Community, and More

THANK YOU FOR THE MUSIC

Before I get into the serious stuff, I wanted to share this with those who are interested and were supportive of my search for the right guitar and case (even if there was only one in the whole Raon)... I just had my first guitar lesson since coming back to Oregon. My guitar sounds awesome -- in somebody else's hands:) It was so fun to have a lesson again. This guitar does make me sound like I playa little bit better because the strings aren't as hard on my fingers and the body is smaller. I love the guitar!

For those that haven't heard... Tita Chary was kind enough to take me to Raon a second time to find a guitar case. We stopped at the first music store we saw and asked if they had a case for an acoustic guitar. They produced one that was reasonably priced and locally made, but looks like dracula's coffin in the inside with the bright red lining and the outside had some scratches that they were trying very hard to rub away. So we told them we would look around a bit more. We then went to another store that had one, but cost almost four times more than the first one. Since I haven't been booked for any gigs yet, I decided to keep looking. A couple of other stores didn't carry one. We finally found another store that had one, so we asked to see the case. The guy ran off and came back with the case -- the same exact case that we saw in the first store! Tita Chary and I then went back to the first store and bought the case from them. I apologize to all Raon shoppers looking for the one and only acoustic guitar case available in the whole area that I now own.

AND MORE

I think I'll start with the "and more" part of this entry. I have been missing life in Manila so badly. There were so many amusing aspects of life there that I miss.

I miss the "quotation marks". Katrina and Justin pointed this out actually. "Everything" has "quotation marks" for no "apparent reason". Walking around Raon I would see "signs" saying "Sale" "P100". "It's so funny."

Katrina and I would make fun of and complain about how long it would take to buy anything from any department store cashier. You see, it takes at least two people to ring your purchase. There's the one that punches items into the cash register, then there's the one that bags it and staples the receipts. Sometimes there's a third person to circle seemingly random numbers (random to us anyway) on your receipt -- for more efficient stores this is also done by the second person. Oh, they will staple your bag shut at least four times. When you pay, too, they will always ask you for change before they give you your change. I could never understand this! Let's say your purchase is 33 pesos. You give the cashier 40 pesos. Instead of just giving you 7 pesos back, they will ask you if you have 3 pesos. Then she will give you your change. There are times when you end up with more coins than if they would have just given you your change right away.

The songs that I grew to like while living there are still being played -- everywhere. There are a lot of songs that didn't go mainstream here in the US, but highly popular in the Philippines. Who will ever forget Kevy Lattau, Fra Lipo Lippi, Pizzicato Five, Swing Out Sisters, Lighthouse Family? How many times did we dance to "Rock the Boat" and "Buttercup"? Oh, of course, there are those Pia called "suicidal love songs" that sing about losing a loved one who is already in love with somebody else but they're still declaring undying love to that person. Now who would ever do a thing like that in real life? :) There just always seemed to be music playing everywhere -- the grocery stores, malls, security guards station (to which Malina said, "Mama, there's a party!"), restaurants, taxis, department stores, eating areas, tricycles, pedicabs,... Don't forget people who walk around singing whether they're by themselves or with a group of people. Filipinos just love to sing. We've recently been up to visit Katrina and Aki in Portland. We ended the day with an hour of karaoke. Katrina made me sing the hopelessly romantic songs that repeats lines over and over. Such fun! For anybody looking for entertainers, Katrina and I will gladly sing for your parties (who said "entertainers" had to be good?).

I miss Aling Paring. "Aling" is a term used to refer to an older woman. A couple of days before leaving the Philippines my mom, Tita Chary, Vincent and I went to Angeles, Pampanga. Pampanga is another province about two hours away from Manila. They are known for their love for food. We were originally looking for Aling Lucing (an eatery in Pampanga), but was led to Aling Paring. No, not all restaurants are owned by older women. We found this restaurant that was probably once a garage. We were the only ones there and we had no idea if the food would be any good. While waiting for our food Aling Paring herself entertained us and then told us that she would lead us to the stores my mom was looking for. She told us all about her family, the history of her restaurant, how Aling Lucing was tragically murdered, and more. The food was quite good, the atmosphere was quite homey, and we were even given free bananas (the Philippine bananas are the only bananas I like to eat because they are sweeter and better tasting than the cavendish we have available here). It was just such a nice experience.

A BIT OF REFLECTION -- FRIENDS AND COMMUNITY

The local flavor in the Philippines is so full of flavor. I miss the variety, the flair, the idiosyncracies, the humor, the music, and most especially the people... This is not to say that I don't like life in Corvallis. Well, I am a bit homesick right now, but I also do appreciate life here and the friends I've been surrounded with here. One aspect of my life that I am thankful for are the lessons I've learned in making friends and finding community wherever I'm at. I am not a very social person by nature. It is something that I really have to push myself to do -- really, I do. It takes me a while to adapt to any place, but once I get passed the homesick stage I am able to create my circle of friends. Community and home to me is wherever I may be at any stage in my life, at any geographical location. My friends and community have evolved to reflect where I am at my life. Right now I am primarily surrounded mothers, people who do Church-related work, new and old friends, and life-challenged friends. When I was in Manila I was surrounded by fairly new friends, work-related friends, relatives, my gay friends, and family friends. Each person brings gifts and lessons to be learned. Each person brings a different sense of humor, level of conversation, and perspective. This all transcends race, gender, and age. People are truly people wherever they may be, whoever they may be. It's up to us to appreciate, to learn, and to treasure whoever is in front of us wherever we may be, whatever we may be going through.

MY CHANGE OF HEART

Another entry on my heart?! I recently wrote about losing a best friend and what sorrow that brought me. It was my choice to end that relationship and cease all communication. As the days passed (yes, some of you are probably saying it hasn't been that long), I realized how important that friendship is in my life and how tired I am of all the negative emotions that came out of that decision. Due to circumstances of our past and the present, it may be a bit difficult and painful maintaining this friendship. I will take that pain rather than the deep pain that comes with losing that person completely. That person has always held a special place in my heart from the time we first met. Don't ask me why, but the Lord has placed that person there. I've tried to see if I could place someone else in that spot, but it's been designated for that person. I've had a couple of sighs, rolling of the eyes, and one angry reaction at my decision to become friends again. I have decided that I will strive to love even those that are hard to love as we've been asked by Christ to do. This love is difficult, but well worth the effort. This person has been very special to me and people who are special are worth working hard for. I will do this for any friend. I will do this for you.

Black Nazarene, Life Back in Corvallis, and the State of Sorrow

MORE ON THE FEAST OF THE BLACK NAZARENE

This won't be too much longer there is much to cover this evening. As I look at the picture on the left, flashbacks of what that day was like go through my mind. I was quite amazed at the men who would cathc people's handkerchiefs or towels, wipe the image, and then throw it back to whoever handed it to them. According to my aunt, they always get it back to the right person. Talent! I am still inspired by the devotion that the people have for the Black Nazarene. One person said that these people sin throughout the year and then come back this time each year to ask for forgiveness. First of all... Not everybody there is like that, I'm sure. Also, how are we to know that that's what they do. Most importantly, we are all sinners who need to ask for forgiveness. Christ died on the cross so that we may be forgiven. What harm does it do to devote one day and seek forgiveness for the sins that we commit everyday? There is something so deeply moving about seeing so many people giving up their day (this was a weekday) to honor Jesus through their own suffering --seeking forgiveness.

It's difficult to describe what the streets looked like that day. It was just full of people.

This picture was taken from the elevated rail system (LRT) that we took going home. This whole street was full of people going towards the Basilica of the Black Nazarene, or otherwise known as Quiapo Church. This is just one street out of many. We were told that the image did not make it back to the Church until 10:00pm. A lot of people had been there since early in the morning to get a glimpse of the image. The organizers had changed the route this year and plenty of people were against this. Streets leading to the new route were blocked so they were forced to stick to the old route. Nobody really knew where to expect seeing the image because of all the confusion. We were very fortunate to have seen it fairly close. I was told that there was a reason for having seen it this close. I feel as if the blessings came from all the people who were there to honor the Black Nazarene and the opportunity to have been part of all this.

LIFE AFTER MANILA

I have to admit that leaving Manila was very tough. It was equally hard arriving in Oregon. I don't think I've quite recovered yet. I know I haven't gotten over the jetlag as evident by my waking up early, early in the morning and feeling hunger pangs at about 3:30am (7:30pm Manila time -- dinner time!). I miss the people. I miss the countless opportunities for activities around the city. I miss the life.

Upon arriving in Corvallis I thought I could go straight to work. I tried for about an hour and felt my eyes getting heavier by the second. My time at work hasn't been very productive because of other issues that need to be dealt with and my jetlag. I hope to recover soon because there's a lot of work that needs to be done.

NEWS FROM THE HEART

My time back has been very difficult because of other events that have occured in my life that I had to deal with right away. I am not quite sure how much I care to divulge, but feel the need to express my sorrow. I have lost someone very dear to my heart. It's not a death or anything as serious as that. Yet losing a friend has been so very hard for me to take; especially since it's someone I considered to be one of my best friends. Life takes its turns and continuing on with this friendship would just not be healthy for me. I never thought I could feel so much heartache. How could something that's supposed to be the right decision feel so horribly wrong?

I've been advised by so many people for the past few months to end this friendship because of how difficult it has been and because it just wasn't healthy. I clung on to false hopes and dreams. I also held on to the dearest friend I've ever had -- one that I felt understood me better than any other friend. This person always had just the right question to get me thinking. This person knew how to make me laugh. This friend was always ready to listen. This friend showed me what life following Jesus and His Gospel is all about. This friend taught me to be myself because being counter-cultural is OK. This friend has taken me to mountain tops and once worked 5 hours straight to bring me back down safely from one. This friend was somebody I could enjoy the clouds, the stars, and the quiet with. It saddens me that there were other plans for our lives and that being in each other's lives is just not one of those plans. I will miss this dear, dear friend of mine. I will forever treasure the memories we shared and pray only the best for this person.

Some Thoughts on Leaving Manila...

Before I write about the Black Nazarene experience, I thought I would just write about some thoughts that have been going through my mind as I prepare to leave. I have definitely enjoyed being back in Manila. It wasn't what I was expecting. If you talk to some people I was talking with before leaving Corvallis, you'll find out that I had some anxieties about coming back home. These have all been unfounded. I can't believe that by this time tomorrow morning I will be boarding the plane back to the states.

THINGS I LOOK FORWARD TO...

I do look forward to quieter Corvallis. There is a constant hum of noise around us since we are surrounded by major thoroughfares. Just anywhere you go there's a lot of people. Corvallis has the peace and quiet that I really enjoy.

I also look forward to getting back to work and being with the people I work with. I enjoy their company a lot and have missed our morning chats. I also miss the work that I do. I find that being in Manila sort of takes you away from the realities and harshness of life in a wierd sort of way. Poverty is all around us, but we live in a very comfortable and spoiled manner. I am not complaining as I've enjoyed the service deluxe that we've received here. The materialism and importance in image (as evident by all the skin-whitening billboards around) is much more prevelant in Metro Manila -- all of which I don't personally adhere to.

Something I look forward to but I know I will miss is eating a bit more normally. Whenever people want to get together here it always involves a meal. I've enjoyed getting together with so many people -- in fact, there are still a few I would have liked to see but haven't had the time. Yet, I miss my lighter meals and more regular portions. I miss my daily workout which have been derailed due to physical limitations (I want this leg to get better now!). My uncle asked me what my daily workout consists of. I told him it's an early trip to the gym, getting Vincent ready, running errands, cleaning, cooking (only when my mom isn't in Corvallis because she doesn't really like my cooking), washing the dishes, lifting everything myself (there's always people here to do the heavy lifting), doing whatever else needs to be done, and, if there's time and weather permitting, another walk outside. Hmmm... Now I wonder if that was something to be missed :)

THINGS I WILL MISS ABOUT THE PHILIPPINE LIFE

So many aspects of life here is quite humorous. I will miss laughing so much. Just a couple of examples:

1. Whenever you walk into or even just walk by an establishment (usually the fastfood places) you'll here this greeting... "Good morning, sirmam." Sometimes, depending on how good the person is, you'll be greeted good morning all day long. We're still trying to figure out who "sirmam" is. For those who haven't gotten it yet, it's "Sir/Ma'am" -- they just throw out this greeting irregardless of your gender.

2. I've come to the conclusion that all jobs require the ability to sing along with a karaoke. Wherever they sell the Wow Magic Sing (the video karaoke microphone), there's someone singing at the top of his/her lungs. Sometimes you don't mind what you hear, sometimes you do:) Even security guards have been spotted belting out a tune or two.

3. My sister, Katrina, told me that she asked a server if they have a lunch menu (or something like that) at this place that serves salads, she was told, "I'm sorry, Ma'am, but we don't serve foods here." Only in the Philippines... Salad isn't food, it's a filler!

I promised only a couple, but there's so much more to share. I was once told by somebody I worked for at IBM, "Life is so hard here, we just have to laugh it off,"

I will miss being with friends and relatives. This is what I miss most when I'm at Corvallis. Get togethers happen at the slightest hint here. I have grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins, and friends that are easily available. There is no time limit to our time together and no need for internet connection! Hehe... Just a quick example... My uncle invited everybody from my dad's side of the family to lunch yesterday. We had three generations around the table. Before the meal was over my other uncle had invited all of us to dinner at his house that evening and we were all there -- plus a few more! This morning with just a call and a few chat messages I was able to get my grandmother, an aunt, and a couple of cousins to meet up for morning merienda (in between meal-time snack) and lunch. It's pretty much that simple. I love that and will miss it so much.

My time here has been quite surreal, of course. I have not had much responsibilities so it's been a very grand life. Who wouldn't have fun? For some reason I remember being able to live this kind of life even when I was living here. Not that I wasn't working, but I could easily be an entrepreneur with my own time. That life, looking back now, wasn't good for me. I was easily lulled into feeling productive, but really I didn't have much responsibilities. I was busy doing things that I felt was going towards my goals in life, yet at the same time I sort of knew it was always temporary. I was always hoping to go back to the states, so I just kept myself busy. It was always what I thought was important to me, but there was no sense of permanency. I now long to do something similar to my work in Corvallis here in the Philippines. My dream is to find a job that will let me travel to the Philippines to do the work that I love doing. Maybe even to other countries. As for now, more posts when I get back!

The Tide of Philippine Life

I will be leaving for Oregon very soon and I have some mixed feelings about this. I am looking forward to being with my friend who has lost a loved one, to going back to work, and getting Vincent back into his routine. I don't look forward to leaving the warm weather, the visits with friends and relatives (I still haven't seen everybody I was hoping to see), and the feeling of being home. As much as I love Oregon and the people that surround me there, the Philippines is and always will be my home. I may never live here again, but it's the place my soul feels connected to.

LOW TIDE -- ACHES AND PAINS

This vacation has been quite grand and I've experienced so much during my stay here. It hasn't been without its down side, though. For the duration of my stay here, I've had one form of ailment or another. I got here with a slight pain on my right leg that was tolerable. After a run in the village with Katrina and Justin, it just got really bad. True to the Philippine style, this was made somewhat better through massage. We have a masehista (masseusse -- I just know I mangled that word!) who goes to my grandparent's house regularly. She's been by a couple of times to give my muscles (hehe...) a strong rub down and to get my right leg back to working form again. There were times when I would limp along and couldn't even carry Malina up a flight of stairs. As of now there's a slight pain when I make certain movements, so I just don't make those movements -- problem solved!

I've also had a constant cold or allergy. The pollution really does not help. To make things worse, the building next to us is being torn down by about 10 men. Yes, they are jackhammering and pounding their way down bit by bit. This building was a small one -- about 12 to 15 stories -- and it's now down to about 9 stories. So we have all sorts of debris flying as they make way for a four-star hotel.

Buildings around us here are a bit bigger then the ones in Corvallis. The building seen in this picture (the one that's not being torn down) is about 40 stories, the one next to it is about 60 stories high,... To the other side of us, they get even bigger and taller. I can't say I enjoy being in this concrete and glass jungle.

TIDE COMING IN -- BEACH AND WAVES

This is when the waters come crashing in and the tide is rising. So, it's not quite low and not quite high...

Before Katrina, Justin, and Malina left we were able to squeeze in an out-of-town trip to the beach with my Tita (aunt) Chary. We decided that we were going to Puerto Galera, which meant a two-hour ride to the Batangas City port and then an hour-and-a-half boat ride. Wow! Sounds heavenly! My stomach had been feeling a bit funny for a couple of days, but I thought it was nothing and would just go away. So off we went... We were so excited to see our "boat", which was actually a large-size banca (a Filipino outrigger used primarily by fishermen). This is much bigger than the ones used by fishermen, but was designed with seats running down the sides and they had rows of plastic seats down the middle facing forward. Choosing the lesser of two evils, we chose to stay on the sides. We didn't have much choice actually as the boat was quite full both ways. The waves were quite strong because of the time of the year and because there was a storm somewhere in the region. Let's just say that some of us came out lighter than when we got in the boat :) I was very thankful that I decided not to bring Vincent along because this kind of boat ride would have been too traumatic for him. From that point on I had major issues with my stomach that would last throughout our trip.

The beach itself, though, was wonderful! Our resort was right by the beach, the ocean was beautifully blue, and the sound of the waves would just lull you into relaxation. Katrina and I got massages on the beach, Malina loved playing on the sand and in the water, and we all got the much-needed time away from the city. Tita Chary bought a tuna from a fisherman who had just caught it not too long ago and she had a small restaurant next to our hotel prepare it for us. They grilled the head and tail of the tuna and made kinilaw (the Filipino version of ceviche) with the middle part of the fish. YUM! As you can tell, I didn't help my stomach situation any by indulging in this seafood fest. I wish I could have spent some time inside the water but my state of well-being kept me from taking part in any water activities.

HIGH TIDE -- FIESTA DE PADRE NUESTRO HESUS NAZARENO

This next portion actually deserves more than just a paragraph or two. On January 9th, I went along with Tita Chary (yes, she is our own official tour guide!) and her friend, Salve, to the Fiesta de Padre Nuestro Hesus Nazareno (we don't have the letter "J" in our alphabet, so we use the letter "H") or otherwise called Feast of the Black Nazarene. For any of you who plan on being in the Philippines on this day, you MUST take part in this celebration. This is the feast day in which they honor the Patron Saint of Forgiveness and Atonement. Men carry throughout the streets of the old part of Manila, or Quiapo (kiyapo), the image of the Black Nazarene. This life-size image of Jesus carrying His cross was brought over by the Spaniards in the 1600's (about the time they came to conquer the Philippines). The boat that was carrying this image caught on fire, thus blackening the face and hands of Christ. Every years millions of people take to the streets to honor this Patron Saint who is said to bring about forgiveness, peace to our nation, and peace to our families. Groups of devotees bring their own images of the Black Nazarene to this area. Some come from miles and miles away. They start their journey the day or night before and walk to Quiapo to take part in this procession. The most incredible part of this procession is all those who take part in this (all men) come barefoot. As any image of the Black Nazarene walk by, people reach out to touch His face and seek blessing. We were very fortunate to see the actual image as close as we did. My Tita says that this the closest she has ever seen it in all the years that she has been coming to this fiesta. As the actual image processes by, you hear this roar that could be heard from miles away. The roar comes from the people who are shouting and waving their handkerchiefs (which they use to wipe any image that walks by and they keep this as a sign of the blessings they've received) as the Black Nazarene comes before them. This year they say there were two million people -- that's almost the whole of Oregon in one small area of Manila!!!

It is such a profound and moving experience. The devotion that the people have to the Black Nazarene is so strong. It is hard not to feel a sense of hope and faith in the midst of the sea of people. People come here to ask for forgiveness and to seek hope for the future. As I wallow in my own personal woes, I realize that if these people -- most of whom are living in such poverty -- have hope that I must have hope as well. It may seem odd that so much hope is given through a statue (which I suppose why we Catholics are sometimes accused of worshiping idols), but I firmly believe it was a way of accepting the faith that was once forced upon the people by the Spaniards -- a fusion of sorts. When the Spaniards took over all these countries, the people were worshipping idols (animals, people, other forms of nature) -- images they could see. The people must have sought ways to carry out their faith in ways they knew how in order to be able to accept what the Spaniards were forcing them to do. I see the Filipino faith being based on rituals and celebrations. There is a growing number of people who will sit down and discuss their faith life, discuss the Bible, how they've grown into it, how they have made it their own -- but this seems to come from the influences of priests and missionaries from outside. Those who are more traditional honor the statues, celebrate feast days, go to Mass regularly, of course, and see God as the center of the people and not their own personal friend.

As it may seem obvious, I will have to devote some more time to this Feast day. This is quite lengthy as it is and I need to get moving for the next item on our agenda here. I will post another entry soon. For the meantime, I thank you for reading this far.

A Few Thoughts...

Most of our Oregon party have left so Vincent and I are left with my mom. It's sad to wake up knowing that it's going to be much quieter around here. Fortunately the days ahead of us are already full.

My time here in Manila seems much shorter than it really has been. We've been very busy here, yet at one I point I wondered what have I been busy with. I haven't been very productive since I am on vacation. I don't have to worry about Vincent and school. I don't have much housework to do -- actually, I practically have none. What has been keeping me busy?

I may have mentioned this earlier, but... We have been busy being with people. It's lovely how much time people spend with each other here. The only person I know who kept keeping an eye on a watch to get back to a commitment was me. Otherwise with everybody we've met it has felt as if they had blocked off a chunk of time to be with us. Again, I don't think it's only because we're visiting here and they're wanting to spend as much time as possible with us. That's just how people spend time with each other whenever possible.

I also don't think I've laughed this much in a long time. There's just always something to laugh about. When I came back here in 1993 I was told by my boss at IBM at that time, "You know... Life is so hard here, people just laugh their problems away." Laughter has been such a big part of this trip. We do make light of a lot of situations around here by joking about it. At one point I would have thought that it's a way of brushing off responsibilities of doing anything about the problems that we have here or a form of demeaning the people and the country, but I take that back. The awareness is there and turning it into laughter is almost as if claiming a sense of ownership. It's like being able to laugh at yourself. Now if others from the outside poke fun of us or make comments, then it's insulting. But when you make it about yourself, then it's acknowledging who you are.

There also seems to be a growing sense of patriotism in the Philippines. It surprises me to see how many people are wearing clothing with very Filipino designs -- the Philippine flag, jeepneys, etc. More clothing stores are carrying very modern Filipino designs. This may seem very trivial and may not seem like much. You see... In the past the big think would be to sport designer labels on your clothing -- authentic or not. We have not been known to wear theme-oriented clothing here. Nobody wears the flag colors during national holidays, red and green clothing during Christmas,... That's just not what we do around here. It's a huge step to see clothing stores in the upper-scale malls dedicated to Philippine-themed designs. It's a small start, but it's a step towards change.

Tomorrow I get to go with my Tita Chary (Aunt Chary) to the Feast of the Black Nazarene. The Black Nazarene is the patron saint of Quiapo (or Padre Nuestro Jesus Nazareno de Quiapo). This is attended by thousands and thousands of people who believe that their faith in this saint will bring peace and harmony in families, long life and good health among people, deliverance from all calamities and disasters, and prosperity, joy and love among nations. Men are the ones who participate in this procession because of the difficulty of being a part of this. They carry a life-size statue of the Black Nazarene carrying a cross, which was brought over by the Spanish in 1607, in the midst of thousands of people. The ship actually caught fire, burning the image and has since then been known as the Black Nazarene. It's interesting because the news have been calling on people to not show up drunk, to be sure they are able to take part in this procession, and telling people what to expect. I will post pictures and another blog entry afterwards.

I believe that people honor their patron saints so strongly because of their need to have a visual representation of what they are worshipping. The Spaniards forced Catholicism among the people. These were people whose religions at the time idolized images and the nature around them -- things that they could see. Some rituals incorporate the beliefs of the past with the beliefs and traditions of Catholicism. This was something that was pointed out as well while I was in Peru. We all practice our faith differently and representative of who we were and who we are now. Yet we are still connected by one faith, one belief, and one God. So simple, yet so complex. I love it!

More again later...