For some random reason, I've been comparing who I am now to who I was in college and the few years after. I can't quite remember how I got to this, but it's something that I find quite helpful to look at. This is who I said I would become once I graduated from college:
* I would own my own firm (accounting when I was an accounting major and then marketing when I was a marketing major).
* I would have kids only when I was making at least $10,000 per year for each child. Don't know where I got that random number, but that was my thought. At that time, too, it didn't matter whether or not there was a father figure (haha, some things actually do come true!).
* I would be far away from Corvallis.
* I would marry the man I loved in college (unfortunately, he didn't know I loved him :) )
* Life would be fun and so would my husband and friends.
A lot of these decisions were made in the midst of trying to make it through college and trying to have as much fun as I could during college and afterwards. I later came to realize that, as sure as I was that this is what was going to happen, I needed to search and find myself first.
The years that followed college proved to be my time to grow -- time to grow out of this need for the pursuit of fun. I worked in marketing and eventually had my own public relations firm. This is what filled my days. My nights were spent having fun with friends and doing whatever felt like fun. Fun, fun, fun... That was my main concern. I wanted my work to be fun, my friends had to be fun (which is why I spent so much time with gay men and turned away my serious, catty female friends). My first serious relationship revolved around enjoying life -- going to the bars, watching movies, eating out, being in THE places to be in, knowing the right people (or so we thought were the right people) -- living the life. I think I ended up "marrying" him because I got tired of the life and felt the need to stabilize myself. I would fun myself Monday to Saturday and then sleep all day Sunday. In the end, I was left feeling drained, empty, and with a son. I love my son and he truly fills my life, but the fun had to turn into reality.
I continued on with the fun life for a bit even after Vincent. I dated a man that was a lot of fun to be with -- we talked for hours, enjoyed the same things, and laughed a lot. But when it came to dealing with "grown up" stuff, we never quite agreed and this led to a lot of arguments. I feel now that having spent so much time looking for fun, I never found my true self. Coming back to Corvallis has helped me step back, re-evaluate my life, and let God do His work. Let Him have a say as to what He wants me to do. As I mentioned in my previous blog entries, I always felt as if I was doing what I needed to do to pursue my dreams and goals, but these weren't what I was meant to be.
I may seem like a very late bloomer in figuring out what career-path to take, but I also felt that I needed to experience what I did in order to appreciate this path that I'm on now. I also feel that the people I was with, the things that I did, the life that I led has helped me to learn about myself. I learned that I need time spent in total quiet whereas I always thought I needed some kind of noise when I was younger. I learned that even though I could stay up late and then start early in the morning, that's not what I really enjoy doing -- I like being able to sleep by 10:00PM and having a slow, early start to my day. I learned that I don't particularly enjoy drinking. I learned that I don't need to be the HAHAHA-girl all the time and actually enjoy being more of the behind-the-scenes person. I learned that my faith is very important to me (I've been advised to be open to date men of other denominations and I am realizing that it is important to me to be able to share my faith life with that other person -- personal and work). I learned that fun can only take you so far and strength in dealing with reality is what will make any endeavor last; whether it be work, friends, and relationships. I have learned that living out the Gospel in my own way is how I have found who I am truly meant to be because I feel more comfortable in my own skin and I love it. Alright, I also learned that I am too self-aware, which is not always good because then I also become my biggest critic. It's good, though, in understanding why I do what I do and hopefully learn from it.
Oh, one last thing I learned... I love playing the guitar and singing along while I play. I am not particularly good at either one, but it's so much fun. I've been asked by my guitar instructor, Alex, to join his choir. He wants me to start singing with them and then later on play the guitar. He has more faith in me than I do when it comes to this arena and he must be serious because he dropped by my office yesterday to give me the songs that they sing. My co-worker/supervisor, Barb, has been singing with the choir so that was encouraging and would be so much fun to do this with her. No big deal, right? Well, the choir sings only in Spanish, since they are the choir for the Spanish Mass. Ayayay.... Why God put this opportunity in front of me, I don't know, but I will have fun with it anyway!
More about Manila again next time!
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