Words...

I dream though my eyes are wide open

Tears flow even with the joy of a new life

My arms embrace but deep inside I curl into the tightest ball

Smiles and laughter hide the aching heart that lives within me

I ask the ghosts to go away, help me start a brand new day

I look around, what do I find?

He gives me to hope. He grows in me through faith. He offers me never ending love.

How much do I take? How much do I turn away?

These dreams -- of joy, that tight embrace, the smile, my laughter

It's all He wants for me to have

Will I let Him lead me to my brand new day?

Well, Vincent and I have been back for two weeks now. It's been a very full two weeks with work, Vincent's school, work, and some fun. It's nice to be back to some of my routine -- started the crazy hour gym again, getting back into feeling caught up with work (whatever that may feel like), and enjoying being able to cook again. Vincent still misses the irresistably yummy food back home, but for now my cooking satisfies him.

It's a strange feeling though that I still feel like home is back in Manila. My adjustment back to Corvallis life has been harder than adjusting to being home in Manila. I still have very strong homesickness pangs -- none of which I felt when we got to Manila last December. Most of all... I miss the people. I miss the laughter. Sure I am surrounded by great people and we have good laughs here. I can't explain why it's just different. Is it a different sense of humor? Is it a different sense of belonging? I really can't tell you why right now. I just miss the laughter back home.

Yet I also feel as if I am meant to be back in Corvallis. There is a purpose. There's so much about life that I do get to experience and learn here. I learn through other people, through my work, and just being able to sit quietly reflecting on my own life. There have been very tough moments since coming back and I realize that I am still on an emotional roller coaster. Being here forces me to deal with these issues on my own -- sometimes I have no choice as more often than not there's nobody here to cry with me:) I have been able to talk with several wonderful women -- all of whom I love and appreciate. There are some things, though, that I needed to learn by myself.

I must say that the best "glad-to-be-back" feeling was when my officemates and I watched Obama's inauguration last week. It's just an amazing thought that one man can symbolize change -- change for the good. It's even more incredible to think what kind of change people can bring about. Through the collective efforts of millions of people, change was brought to this country. But the ultimate, mind-blowing aspect of Obama becoming president for me is how our children and youth -- of all ethnic descent and gender -- have seen how they can truly become whatever they want to be. Fine, you have to be born an American, so Vincent can never become President of America. But nothing's stopping him now from thinking he can become President of the Philippines! I think if you look at Obama's childhood, you'll see that he and Vincent have some things in common. Going back to my point... No longer is one of the most powerful positions on this planet reserved for white males only. Well... I take that back. It's still quite difficult to become the Pope (thank goodness!). It's also a step towards proving that much can be accomplished when you work towards common good. Now if only we can change his views on abortion... (Do your part in making your voice heard by asking your elected officials to vote against the Freedom of Choice Act!)

I try to remind myself that I will see the beauty of all that is happening now when God feels the time is right. So much has been happening that I often need to remind myself that there is a purpose to all this around me. During some of my low moments I admit that my prayer life was not where I would like it to be and my heart wasn't in the parts of my life that are important. I talked about this with a friend of mine (please pray for her because she was recently told to start looking into assisted living places for herself) and she told me that my work is my prayer. At first I thought I agreed with that notion, but I find myself disagreeing with it now. I don't do what I do in order to get brownie points with God. I do it because I love it and because it's what I feel we were all asked to do -- to use our talents towards spreading God's word and to serve the least of these. My prayer is my time to glorify and praise God, to open myself and my heart to Him, and to quiet myself in order to let Him into my heart. I find that I can do my work even with my heart clenched and my eyes shut tightly while I wallow in misery . What kind of prayer is that? In this sense, I am glad to be back because I see my life and the work that I do for what it truly is and I don't do what I feel others should see.

For now I look forward to planning the bike ride for a local organization that serves women who face unplanned pregnancies. They offer counseling, some medical service, resources, classes, etc. Through their efforts they strive to prevent women from opting for abortion. This is exciting for me because it helps me support an organization that I like in a way that I think would be so much fun.

That's it for now! Live life to the fullest -- it helps during those days you're running on empty!