Common or Unique?

This morning I had a conversation with a woman I have grown to really like. She volunteers for various groups in our parish and I've had the privilege to get to know more about her these past few weeks. She told me today that she now realizes that the best thing her father taught her and her siblings was to use common sense.

It seems like this should come naturally, right? That's why it's called "common" sense, right? From what I've seen, however, common sense is a skill that not so many people have. I see it when people come to ask for financial help. I see it during meetings when we're trying to come up with solutions to age-old problems. I see it in every day life. It almost feels like we're so used to googling everything, or reading FAQ's, or joining community forums, that we've stopped learning how to use common sense.

One area that I've seen this over and over is when I am dealing with women who come to us asking for help. One scenario is a woman has two or three children from different relationships, needing help with rent because the most recent boyfriend has just left her, she has no relatives nearby or has no relationship with her family, and now she is needing to find a job and affordable childcare. I feel for these women. Having to be in this situation has got to be very tough. Nobody wants to have to deal with so much after having their heart broken. Yet, at the same time, I wonder why they didn't learn from the first failed relationship. Or the second, or the third,...?

As much as it's hard to say whether or not a relationship truly is for life or not, there are steps a woman can take to make sure she is not left in the same situation once again. Using both mind and heart when it comes to going into a relationship is a start. Your heart will make you do all sorts of silly things, that's for sure. But we've also been blessed with minds to discern the difference between a responsible, kind-hearted man and a man that is irresponsible and prone to flight.

I also can't stress enough the importance of staying connected with family. Sorry. There is no perfect family. A dysfunctional family, however, is better than none at all. At the very least you'll know that you'll never be without food and shelter. In those that I've helped, the ones who were connected with family were more likely to come up with their own solutions, come only once for assistance, and showed more responsibility in working towards their next steps. I am generalizing, but it's easy to spot the difference between those with family support and those without.

Common sense deals with so much more in the course of our daily lives. What has softened us so much that something that should be common has now become a unique gift? What can we do to sharpen our skills? Do we all have it or just a select few? I don't have the answers, but I sure do hope I have sense enough to make it through each day.

Your Gift and You

I used to think that I wish I were some child prodigy at something, anything. At times I used to question why God never gave me that kind of talent and gift. As I've grown older (wiser?), I realize that we have all been given our own gifts. Some of us may have realized at an earlier age than others, but I'm sure in God's eyes it is all the same. We are all like the workers in the vineyard. It doesn't matter when we start, we are all equally talented in God's eyes.

In the book "Crossing the Unknown Sea: Work as Pilgrimage of Identity", the author, David Whyte, says, "At its simplest, good work is work that makes sense, and that grants sense and meaning to the one who is doing it and to those affected by it." This, I think, is how we are supposed to use the gifts that God has given us. We're supposed to use it so that it makes sense to us and to those around us. We benefit and so do those around us. It's not meant to be something only one person gains from. Yes, we pay athletes and entertainers millions to do what seems to be God-given talents. But how does their work actually really benefit us after the temporary moment of escape from our own realities? Really. We pay millions to someone who runs around a field, but pay only a mere percentage of that to someone who has dedicated their live to teaching our children, our future. Does this make sense to anyone out there? I like watching movies as much as the next person, but it rarely leads me towards a life-changing experience. The people I work with at the Church and the work I've seen others do to help those in need have been inspiring for me, but they are in an industry that has been deemed to lead to very little, or no, growth. Huh?

So how do we turn what we enjoy most into something that makes sense? I can't say. I think that for each of us it's different. We're all on a different path. I want to respect that in each person I meet. I also want to see how each person I meet has been given a special gift from God. I want to know how to help people use these gifts as a way for doing something that makes sense to themselves and to others. In my case, I think I need to look back at my life and connect the dots.

A very dear friend of mine once told me that she has found the value in looking back. So often we are bombarded with messages of moving forward and not looking back. How are we to get a glimpse of the picture our life is creating when we choose to ignore it? I truly feel that it is in those dots -- or events -- that we will find out what our gifts are and what we're meant to do with them. Unless you're some kind of child prodigy that has been playing the piano since the age of 3, I would imagine that most of us are on the long-term learning route.

The next time you feel tired and grumpy after a long day at work, stop and think if you are using the gifts you think you should be using. I wonder if it will open your eyes to new and wonderful things to do.

My New Blog

Hi everybody! As much as I've enjoyed blogging on this site, I am now moving to my own blog site. It can be accessed two ways:

1. Go to www.caldwellsinaction.com and click on Michi's Blog, or

2. Access my blog directly by going to michisblog.caldwellsinaction.com

Hope you check it out from time to time!

What Do I Believe In?

Sometimes having years under your belt (otherwise know as being old) means you have wisdom to share. Other times it means you've received so much negative input, you start to believe in them. As much as we want to take control of our lives and not let past hurts or words determine who you are now, it's often hard to quiet the voices that ring through the years.

I know I'm a victim to this incesant ringing. It leads me to question my decisions, question people's sincere compliments, question my capabilities... You know, this just leads to so much negativity and stress. I am so aware of my limitations and lack of capabilities because this is what I've heard other people tell me. It could have been a teacher, a passing acquaintance, a serious relationship, friends, family, and so many people who have crossed my path. Sometimes I know they mean well, but it has led to a bank of inequities that I've decided to store in my mind. It's scary how these thoughts will so quickly overpower any positive thought whether or not they were right to begin with. Bruce will so often tell me that he thinks I'm very intelligent, but there's this voice that rings through that once said I wasn't interesting enough or another that told me they weren't learning anything from me. Hard words to hear coming from people you love. Bruce can tell me 200 times a day that he finds me interesting and intelligent, but I'll never fully accept it.

My past few days have been stressful because I was struggling with Vincent and not seeing how I could possibly help him. Again the old voices told me that I may not be able to do what Vincent needs me to do. I lashed out on him, on Bruce, and the rest of the world. I'm already short, but I felt even shorter. It's a scary place to be in.

But even with all this, there's something that I believe in much stronger. There's one voice that speaks out louder than all the rest. No, it's not Bruce. He has been such a strong support through it all, but there's one much stronger than him. Hard to believe, but it's true. I was driving home from Women's Group and this silent voice screamed through my thoughts. "There is hope. Trust me. Vincent has hope. Have faith in me. There is hope." Almost immediately, I felt my shoulders relax and I was able to breathe deeply once again. Even though it was past 9:00PM already (for us that's quite late already!) I had this sudden rush of energy and feeling of happiness.

It's become clear to me that when I listen to my own voice and want to control everything, I don't accomplish much. I know my limitations and failings. I know what others have told me my limitations are and what I've failed at. But to let it all go and let God take control means handing it all to someone much greater than I am. Through me He can accomplish anything. Through Him I can accomplish anything. It may seem simple, but I am human. It's not that simple. I want that control. I want that power. My human mind will always entertain any temptation presented to me. Letting it all go requires work, but it then frees me.

What do I believe in? I believe in God. I believe in His great, abundant love. I believe that He cares for me, Vincent, and Bruce because I see how He has cared for the birds in the sky. I believe in His plan for me even when I struggle and want Him to tell me what it is. I believe that He loves me even when I'm frustrated with Him. I believe that He is in everybody around me. I believe that He knows just what I need and will provide. I believe in the lasting joy that can only be found through Him. Yeah. That's what I believe in.

What Am I Doing?

Today was quite an experience at work. This was the first time since I started in this position that I felt afraid. A man was asking for assistance and I had to tell him we couldn't help him at our office. It wasn't because I wouldn't help him, it's just that we had changed our procedures and another agency was handling the type of assistance he was asking for. The combination of being frustrated and having some mental health issues led him to threaten to go get a gun. He was standing approximately 3 feet away from me and was intent on intimidating me.

I stood my ground, stuck to our policies, and refused to give in to his threats. We were surrounded by about a half dozen people including our maintenance supervisor (a former Marine and bigger than the man I was speaking to), so I had the guts to still stand up to this guy. I have to admit, though, that as soon as he stepped out of our office my heart was pounding and I didn't want to leave the office for fear that he would be waiting outside. Of the hundreds I've assisted, this was the first time that I ever felt any fear for declining assistance. I've had people try to intimidate me into giving them assistance, but none that actually spoke of getting a gun. There were also children in the room, so I wanted him out of there as fast as possible. Getting into a discussion with him was out of the question as I could tell he was beyond reasoning with.

One thought that entered my mind was, "Did I see Jesus in this man when I denied him what he wanted?". I know that Jesus is in many of the people I encounter everyday, but I just couldn't imagine Jesus being an intimidating, less-than-sane man. So what would have been the best thing to do? Should I have gotten somebody to help him in some way? Should I have helped him? Should I matched his intimidation and try to scare him out of the office? I just did the only thing I could think of and was to just state the facts. The help he was asking for was not within our policies and that was it. Would Jesus have wanted me to go out of my way, bend the rules a bit, for this man? What if all he needed was the one thing he was asking for in order to get his life back in order and I kept him from achieving that? Should I have engaged him in longer conversation but didn't because I wanted to leave the office to run errands? if, what if, what if... Is sending him out into the community the best thing to do?

This was the first time that I had ever doubted my capacity to provide proper assistance. It's normally hard for me to have to say no, but my gut kept telling me to stick to our policies. Why? Did I allow the Holy Spirit to work through me? Or did I put up my barriers and refused to listen for the sake of sticking to rules?

In so many aspects of my life I see how Jesus has worked. I just wonder if I only see the good that I want to see and have refused the bad that I don't want to see. I just wonder what Jesus is thinking right now about the actions I took earlier.

I am proud of the fact that we at St. Mary's are able to provide for the needs of those that come through our doors through the money that we have in the Poor Fund. These past few months we've spent over $5,000 a month to provide for rent, utilities, prescriptions, and other needs. This is all possible because of the generosity of our parishioners. The ones that stick in my mind, though, are the ones we are unable to help. Am I just being unreasonable? I want to be a good steward of our parishioners' money, so I would like to think I am being reasonable.

What am I doing? Am I playing God by being able to say whether or not I will meet someone's basic needs? I sure don't feel like I'm doing anything extraordinary when I am able to help somebody, so why do I feel such guilt when I don't help? Am I more concerned about the gun this man was threatening me with or the fact that I disappointed him?

I sure wish there was some way for Jesus to come and tell me whether or not I did the right thing. I would like to think that the Holy Spirit was working through me during that time, but would the Holy Spirit say no to someone in need no matter how threatening he was? I just wish there was someway to find out what I am doing.

Back To Reality

We are finally back from our Manila trip and now on the road to figuring out how to blend our lives together. Going from the wedding to the holidays and then to our trip to Manila was quite an adventure. We seemed to have come out of it still smiling and with fond memories of our trip.

MANILA, MANILA

Being back home was a refreshing feeling. The longest time I've spent in any one place was my 11 years in Manila. It's interesting how even after being away for a number of years I adjust almost immediately to life in Manila.

The best part of this recent trip was introducing Bruce to my life in Manila and my numerous relatives. Introducing him to over 50 of my relatives the day after flying into Manila may have been too much. I didn't expect him to remember all the names and faces -- that would have been too much to ask for!

Vincent enjoyed the food (of course, who wouldn't?!) and being with relatives. It was nice to have people who were available to check in on him or take him out while Bruce and I were at the beach. This is a connection that I miss a lot when I'm in Corvallis. I can go over to my grandparent's house in the morning and chat with my aunts and uncles. Or we would often be invited to eat out or go out of town by another aunt or uncle. On Sundays we would have lunch with my dad's side of the family. Our last Sunday there they had hired a dance instructor so we did our best to dance, which made for lots of laughter. Another uncle and I spent our two-hour drive from the beach to our restaurant stop along the way catching up on all the latest news about other relatives. I could see why Vincent would enjoy being with all these people. It's sure signs of our roots and a source of our identity.

THE BEACH

Bruce and I got to get away for a few days to visit Boracay. Aaaahhh... It was so beautiful and relaxing. The calm, clear, blue water soothed our tired bodies (after four months of planning a wedding, working, and then the holidays, we were exhausted!). We had the opportunity to snorkel amidst thousands of awesome colored fish! Aaaahhh...

We also enjoyed taking the tricycle (a motorcycle with a covered side car that is a common form of public transportation in the Philippines) to D'Talipapa (a modernized way of saying "the market"). You can find stores that sell local crafts, produce, and other items. The highlight of this market, though, is the wet market. The wet market is a place that sells all kinds of meat -- seafood, beef, pork, poultry... They call it "wet" because they use water to clean up the areas around them, so it's usually wet. Or it could be the blood that's dripped down onto the ground. In any case, it's wet. We loved picking out our own seafood and then taking it to the restaurant across the way for them to cook. You can have them cook this anyway you want them to. Fresh seafood and buko (young coconut) for me and a beer for Bruce is the best way to spend your lunch!

The rest of our days were spent relaxing in our resort's cabanas right by the beach. We even got to have a massage inside our cabana. Heavenly... Bruce got to experience, for the first time, swimming in an ocean without a wet suit. The water at Boracay is so calm and blue. It makes you feel like you're in a swimming pool -- a God-sized swimming pool!

In my mind I'm already planning another trip to the beach. It keeps me sane because it reminds me that there is light at the end of this dark, rainy tunnel.

CALATAGAN

I also got to show Bruce one of my most favorite beaches in the whole world. It's the beach that we went to growing up in the Philippines. My dad's parents had a beach house in Calatagan and we would go there often. I have very fond memories of this beach. The house is now gone, but the memories are firmly in tact. It may not have the fine, white sand and the fancy resorts, but it's the one place where I find peace and joy. I remember the fireflies that used to illuminate the trees. I remember the late night card games with my aunts and uncles. I remember the stars that filled the sky and trying to count how many falling stars would cross the sky. I remember waking up to the sound of a pig being killed for our yummy lunch of roasted pig (lechon). I remember collecting shells and hermit crabs. I remember the long walks along the beach. I remember snorkeling right in front and seeing the most amazing creatures.

I remember all the people we went there with. We were all once so much younger and full of energy. Now I see some of them getting older and not being able to do quite as much as they used to.

FAMILY

I guess trips to Manila always just brings me back to family. I may not have very many friends (and those that I do have I treasure dearly!), but I never felt lonely because of how close I am to my relatives back home. Dropping by my dad's parent's house (my grandparent whom we call Momay and Popay) was just so much a part of me because I grew up there, I lived there, and I spent time with people there. I love dropping by to find my Momay and Popay still at the table with my uncles and maybe an aunt. We would end up chatting there for as long as time would let us. Or getting together with my mom's mother, or Lola as we would call her, and Tita Chary to go visit my Lolo's (grandfather) grave site. This, of course, would lead to lunch. I enjoyed the weekly gatherings once at my dad's side of the family and once at my mom's side. There would be lots of conversations, laughter, and food. Sometimes lunch would lead into dinner even. There was never a lack of company in Manila. I miss this tremendously. People are busy, yet available.

Well, I better continue this later on. This is my brief update for now. More to follow later. Time to relax with Bruce. This I like about Oregon :)

Finally! A Post Wedding Update

My little household is still sleeping, so I thought I would take advantage of this quiet moment to finally post an update. Times to write have been quite rare these past few months. First there was the annual bazaar, then there was the wedding, then moving, then the holidays, plus work, plus Vincent,... Phew... Thinking back is getting me exhausted again! But it was all so GOOD!

THE WEDDING

The most-asked question before the wedding was, "How are the wedding preparations?". I could tell that people were expecting that I would break down in tears because of stress or have a long list woes about dealing with Bruce about wedding decisions. It was nothing like that at all. Preparing for our wedding was so much fun! In our minds it was clear that God had this wedding planned for us. Everything just fell into place. We got married on December 12th, the Feast Day of Our Lady of Guadalupe, who also happens to be the Patron Saint of Marriages. Everybody that we worked with had all the same ideas we had for our wedding. Most importantly, Bruce and I were on the same page with so many of the details for our wedding. This wedding was truly meant to happen as we even found out two days before the wedding that we needed to have a marriage license three days before the wedding! Bruce and I laughed about this all the way to the courthouse and that worked itself out as well.

On our mini-honeymoon at the Coast (which was so generously given to us by Katrina and Aki!), Bruce and I would talk on and on about our wedding. We were so thankful that we could reflect back on our wedding and see it as a truly joyous occassion. It was just lovely. We started the festivities with a rehearsal on a cold and icy evening. The People of Praise Community Center was lovingly decorated by a wonderful group of ladies. The details were impeccable -- down to ornaments that said "Michi and Bruce, Dec. 12, 2010". The food. prepared by those from the community as well, was so yummy, too!

The next day the ice melted and most of our guests were able to attend the wedding. Mass was celebrated by Fr. John Henderson, our Pastor and my boss. We looked out into the Church and all we saw were friends and family. Each and every person in this crowd was someone we knew and someone who really wanted to celebrate with us. It felt so comfortable being up by the altar. One reason because all the faces in the crowd were friendly. Another because marrying Bruce just felt so right.

The reception venue was full and more tables and chairs had to be added! There was a constant chatter and lots of laughter. As Barb Anderson, our Pastoral Associate and my supervisor, put it, "It wasn't like a wedding, it was more like a party -- which is a good thing!". Almost everyone knew each other from the parish. And those who didn't really know too many people were really made to feel welcome and got to make new friends. Vincent's tutor, Sarah, ended up having her daughter leave her when it was time to go because she wasn't ready to leave yet. She was then taken home by another guest whom she had just gotten to know that evening.

If I had to relive that whole experience, I would do it in an instant. Of course, only if I would be marrying Bruce again :) As it goes, I am most excited about moving forward though and enjoying each moment now. Our transition has been much easier than I expected. Vincent just loves his new stepdad and Bruce has been just wonderful with him. Vincent is learning so many new things from Bruce -- like enjoying things like a punching bag (which is very prominent in Vincent's room) and antlers on a rack. Males will be males...

WHAT'S NEXT?

Now we are excitedly preparing for our trip to the Philippines! I am so excited to be going back home with Bruce and Vincent. We are all looking forward to seeing Bruce in Manila and the kinds of reactions he will receive. There's non-stop talk about food, friends, family, and beaches. Bruce and I will be taking off for a few days to enjoy some time on a warm beach. Aaaahhhh... It really doesn't get any better than this.

WHAT DID I LEARN?

This wouldn't be a Michi Blog without any lessons learned:) These past few months have been amazing. We all talk about trusting in God's plans for us and leaving it all up to Him. This has been such a struggle because I want to control what happens. I want things to go my way. I thought I knew what I wanted, but it wasn't to be. I fought it for so long. When I finally gave up and told God that, He took over. Boy, did He take over! I am now married to the best friend I could possibly think of. We talk, laugh, and just enjoy each other's company. God has brought to Vincent a man who understands him, cares for him, has fun with him, and is just an excellent role model. I always thought I had to settle for one or the other, but no. God is sharing with me someone who truly fits and then some!

I asked Bruce if it will always be this much fun. His answer? No. Fine. I suppose he's right. I have been reminded, though, that God will take care of us. I know I will need to be reminded of this constantly. Fortunately, God knows and expects this of me. The most powerful lesson of all this -- meeting Bruce to being married to him -- is that God knows me and knows what's best for me. He knows me and loves me. Wow.