Choices and Relationships

I've just had a very interesting phone conversation with Todd. Ever since I've known Todd, our conversations -- well, what he says really -- always make me think beyond what we've spoken about. He is very good at asking questions and saying things that make me look deeper within myself. Part of our conversation (I'll spare you all the other details) pertained to making choices and relationships. Love is more than a feeling, it's also a conscious choice that we have to make. If love is based solely on feelings, then it is not lasting. Feelings in general are not lasting; therefore decisions that we make should go beyond our feelings. Fr. Lucas, our parochial vicar, spoke about how even our faith life should go beyond feelings. Think about it... I can feel hungry now and after I eat it's gone. I can feel sad now, but that too can pass. I can feel happy and feel strongly about my faith, but one crisis and that feeling can pass as well. Every aspect of our life requires choices.

Let's look at parenthood. There are choices involved in loving your child. The obvious are choices that we make during the course of parenthood. This may seem absurd to most, but we also make a conscious choice to be good parents. It's true. For some it's an easy choice, but for others it can be tougher. Mothers instinctively love their child(ren) -- there's no doubt about that. According to our deacon, Chris Anderson, even fathers have to make a choice to love their child(ren). They don't quite have the same bond that mothers have because they don't carry this being within them. From experience, it's much easier for fathers to choose to move away and choose to not have a relationship with their children. Even mothers have to choose to be a good parent, though. Being a parent can be easy, but being a good parent is another thing. We can choose to just feed our child three times a day, send them off to school, and make sure he/she's clothed and has a roof over their head. That's being a basic parent. To actually get to know, understand, and provide for more than the basic necessities takes a more active role. When your child has special needs, there are even more choices that need to be made. What do I do to make sure this child's needs are being met? What do I do to make sure this child is getting the care he deserves and needs? There are parents who choose to move heaven and earth. There are parents who choose to not see the problems. From time to time I have made choices that could have been better, but I promise it's what I truly felt would be best. I choose to be a parent who is available for Vincent whenever he needs me. I choose to be a parent who will go to all the therapy sessions, school meetings, and whatever else it may take to make his life better. I choose to go beyond the feelings of anxiety, frustrations, and anger that come with having a child with a disability and choose to love him unconditionally. I have made my choices and I just continue to pray that these are the right choices. I am also thankful, though, for God's choice to trust me with Vincent. This gives me endless hope that we will be OK.

Now, being in a relationship also requires choices. It's easy to have feelings of infatuation and giddyness for a person and go into a relationship with that person based on these feelings. It's another thing being in a relationship that you choose to be in because of your belief in this person, the connection that you've made, and the future that you envision with this person with similar goals, interests, and desire to live out a life based on your faith, dreams, and hopes. This is the type of relationship where you make a choice to stay committed even with the distance and distractions.

I would not call myself an expert in relationships and I also haven't been in very many relationships either. The few that I've been in had the intensity, length, and hard lessons that has taught me a thing or two though. The first started out of sheer loneliness and need for companionship, but did not have the similar hopes, dreams, and beliefs. It was all feelings that slipped away the moment things got tough. It turned into even worse feelings when things got rough. I stayed on, though, waiting for the feelings to come back. Even after being woken up in the middle of the night with curses and very demeaning names and after being hit, and after all the apologies, you wish for the feelings to come back but they never do. The choice to end this relationship was surprisingly tough, but it also became a liberating choice. The second one seemed more promising because of similar interests, backgrounds, and because it was fun. As the years passed, though, I could see us making very different life choices. He is a very good man, but his choices on his relationship with his children, the kind of life he wants to live, and the facts that he chose to share and he chose to hide from me were not consistent with my choices. This was an even tougher relationship to break off but solely because here was finally a person wanting to commit his life with me. I felt secure because of this prospect, but that was the depth of that security. I followed a dear friend's advice on living my life as if we had already broken up and it was very easy when I pushed aside the feelings. Obviously I chose to end this relationship. Later on, I realized that with both relationships I could not see a future beyond the feelings. I could not give my love unconditionally and make a choice to stay committed.

I am now in a relationship that has been very different from the others. First of all, Todd was a friend for about a year and half before we began dating. Most importantly, though, here was a man that made sense in so many different ways. Todd was at the time our Youth Minister. The more I learned about his beliefs, the way he lives his life, the choices he made and continues to make, and his honesty to himself just went beyond what I felt in my heart. It was so right in my mind as well. The realization of how easy it was to work with him also made me see how this man is so special. I had finally met someone who made choices that I agree with, whose work I truly agree with, and whose desire to live out his faith is such a source of inspiration to this day. Here's a man whose dreams I can honestly say is so right -- in my heart and in my mind. When we started dating I knew of his desire to be a missionary. As his friend I was already very supportive of this dream of his and knew that this had to be lived out. When we started dating, I knew that he still had this desire. I knew from the very beginning that I still believed in his becoming a missionary and I also knew that this was not something I would let get in the way of us seeing where this relationship would go either. Early on I knew that, if he was willing, I would want to wait for him. To this day I have no regrets with this decision. Admittedly, there are days that are tougher than others. There are times when I wonder what my other options could be. At the end of the day, though, I think back at this choice and I thank the Lord for Todd. Being in a relationship requires more of a choice because we are free to pick and choose (well, for some more than others). For once I know my choice to be in this relationship goes deeper than the feelings that this relationship brings as well. I have found a love that I can give unconditionally.

Now, the hardest choice of all. How about our relationship with God? A lot of us were baptized into our religion and did not have to choose to be in this relationship. I admire those who choose to be in this relationship with God, because you see the depth and the commitment they choose to give. I used to think going to Mass every Sunday, saying my evening prayers, and being nice was all that it really took. So why is it then that with our human relationships we choose to be very active in these relationships, but with God it's so easy to be a passive participant? If we can make the time to going out on dates, doing this and that to please people, and even sacrificing ourselves and beliefs for other people, why is it so hard to make these same choices for our relationship with God? This was something that I asked myself at one point. During my second serious relationship, I found myself driving 2 hours each way to visit him, spending money I didn't really quite have, and devoting so much time and effort to please him even from a distance. I later on learned through people I was surrounded with and my beginning involvement with St. Mary's, why wasn't I choosing to devote more of my life to God? Why wasn't I choosing to be an active participant in this faith of mine? What was stopping me from truly making choices to live out this simple and full life that He asks of us? If He could love me unconditionally, why wasn't I doing the same? Believe me, we all do and say things that makes God shake His head and wonder if we're learning the lessons he's been trying to teach us. During these past few truly tough and testing days, I've encountered moments when I had to make a conscious choice to stay committed to my relationship with God. The feelings of gratitude and feeling His presence were particularly tough to feel. When I choose, though, to be unconditionally (giving glory when times are good and giving glory when times are tough) present in this relationship, I realize and feel His even deeper love that He freely chooses to give to us.

What's next?

It has been a few months since I've had time to actually sit down and write. Make that... To actually make time to write. As usual my life has been a series of ups and downs (sideways, falling flat, upside down...). These past few months have been quite challenging. I'm not sure if the winter months were a bit tougher to handle than I thought it would be or if it's just how my life goes in general. For some of you that may know me really well, you're probably opting for the latter.

How many times have you found yourself asking God the question, "Why?"? Why me? Why did things turn out this way? Why is there poverty and hardship? Why did I not get that lucky break? Why? I admit that I have found myself asking a lot of why-questions lately. These questions pertain mostly to my fears.

Have you ever felt as if God is speaking directly at you? I am very sure that he must have read my thoughts, listened in on phone conversations, and read things I've written. To go from darkness to light requires blind faith in the Lord. God asks us to climb out of that restricting box that forces us to remain in our inner darkness and to let Him bring in that light. This morning Fr. John asked us to consider going from "Why me?" to "What next?"

If you had told me to do that last Tuesday, I would have shot that idea down so quickly. Issues that continue to arise due to Vincent's Aspergers, work and home frustrations, and feeling so alone in the midst of so many people has caused me to turn into myself and ask "Why me?!" so many times. Having two consecutive meetings three out of five nights a week did not help either. I am quickly learning that being busy -- even if it's doing things you enjoy and feel strongly about -- can cause this darkness. I don't know if I've climbed out of my dark box completely yet, but I at least know where I'm at and where I should be.

So I now want to look into the question "What next?". This isn't as easy as it seems it should be. What's next for Vincent? School has been a challenging setting for him. The number of students, the chaos of having two classrooms interchanging throughout the day, and the pressure of doing things perfectly continues to create high anxiety episodes. I am fortunate that we live in a city that has services to address his needs, I have my experts that continue to work towards making school a positive experience (not an easy task!), and I have listening ears that help ease my tensions in the midst of all my tears (thank you, Todd!). I don't really know what's next except to take one day at a time, one advice at a time, and one service at a time. I pray that all these put together will lead to a happier, more positive Vincent. I am also very fortunate that academics is not a problem with Vincent. His Valentine's Day gift to me was his state test scores which had already surpassed his end-of-the-year goals (I believe that this is why the school lets him come in during times he's not supposed to be in school because he brings their ratings higher!).

What's next for work? Work is one place right now where I find energy, but it still has its share of frustrations. Slowly, though, things have been falling into place. I am learning more about myself as time goes on, though. As happy as I am to be in a job that I believe in, I still long to "be in the trenches". The conference rooms and coffee meetings that I find myself in to discuss the plight of the homeless, the illegal aliens, those needing emergency funds, etc. just is not enough. I long to actually be with the people and doing more, but my work and home obligations need to be my priority for now. In time... I am thankful that my work is leading me towards more concrete ideas as to what I would like to do when I grow up:)

I must also thank someone very special for opening my eyes to what we can do -- Todd. I will never forget that evening when I met up with him at the movie theater and he was standing there speaking to a man. As I got closer I noticed that the man was probably a transient. Todd saw me coming so he bid his farewell and reached out to shake the man's hand. The man looked at his outstretched arm and then shook Todd's hand. It was as if he wasn't used to someone reaching out to him. After this, I witnessed Todd several other times reach out -- whether to wave, talk, or shake hands -- to people most of us would have simply avoided. This act alone was such a learning moment for me. So much so that I now sit on three boards that deal with the homeless situation in Corvallis. This has made me think, "What's next for them?".

What's next for life? I leave that up to the Lord. Why is it so hard to have blind faith? Faith that the Lord has planned for me what He feels is best? I may not get the answer that I want right now (after all aren't most of our prayers actually our wants), but I must let Him implement His plan for what's next and bring me into the light that He shares with us.

For now... I do plan on writing more about what's next for the different issues that we tackle at work and in this world we live in. Just a couple of suggestions for reading materials and movies to keep you busy until I write another lengthy blog entry: Compassion by Henri Nouwen, Donald McNeill, and Douglas Morrison, Gracias by Henri Nouwen (excellent!!!), writings of Archbishop Oscar Romero, the movie Romero (must see!!!), and Three Cups of Tea by Greg Mortenson and David Oliver Relin (a Portland, Oregon resident!). Until the next time...