What Am I Doing?

Today was quite an experience at work. This was the first time since I started in this position that I felt afraid. A man was asking for assistance and I had to tell him we couldn't help him at our office. It wasn't because I wouldn't help him, it's just that we had changed our procedures and another agency was handling the type of assistance he was asking for. The combination of being frustrated and having some mental health issues led him to threaten to go get a gun. He was standing approximately 3 feet away from me and was intent on intimidating me.

I stood my ground, stuck to our policies, and refused to give in to his threats. We were surrounded by about a half dozen people including our maintenance supervisor (a former Marine and bigger than the man I was speaking to), so I had the guts to still stand up to this guy. I have to admit, though, that as soon as he stepped out of our office my heart was pounding and I didn't want to leave the office for fear that he would be waiting outside. Of the hundreds I've assisted, this was the first time that I ever felt any fear for declining assistance. I've had people try to intimidate me into giving them assistance, but none that actually spoke of getting a gun. There were also children in the room, so I wanted him out of there as fast as possible. Getting into a discussion with him was out of the question as I could tell he was beyond reasoning with.

One thought that entered my mind was, "Did I see Jesus in this man when I denied him what he wanted?". I know that Jesus is in many of the people I encounter everyday, but I just couldn't imagine Jesus being an intimidating, less-than-sane man. So what would have been the best thing to do? Should I have gotten somebody to help him in some way? Should I have helped him? Should I matched his intimidation and try to scare him out of the office? I just did the only thing I could think of and was to just state the facts. The help he was asking for was not within our policies and that was it. Would Jesus have wanted me to go out of my way, bend the rules a bit, for this man? What if all he needed was the one thing he was asking for in order to get his life back in order and I kept him from achieving that? Should I have engaged him in longer conversation but didn't because I wanted to leave the office to run errands? if, what if, what if... Is sending him out into the community the best thing to do?

This was the first time that I had ever doubted my capacity to provide proper assistance. It's normally hard for me to have to say no, but my gut kept telling me to stick to our policies. Why? Did I allow the Holy Spirit to work through me? Or did I put up my barriers and refused to listen for the sake of sticking to rules?

In so many aspects of my life I see how Jesus has worked. I just wonder if I only see the good that I want to see and have refused the bad that I don't want to see. I just wonder what Jesus is thinking right now about the actions I took earlier.

I am proud of the fact that we at St. Mary's are able to provide for the needs of those that come through our doors through the money that we have in the Poor Fund. These past few months we've spent over $5,000 a month to provide for rent, utilities, prescriptions, and other needs. This is all possible because of the generosity of our parishioners. The ones that stick in my mind, though, are the ones we are unable to help. Am I just being unreasonable? I want to be a good steward of our parishioners' money, so I would like to think I am being reasonable.

What am I doing? Am I playing God by being able to say whether or not I will meet someone's basic needs? I sure don't feel like I'm doing anything extraordinary when I am able to help somebody, so why do I feel such guilt when I don't help? Am I more concerned about the gun this man was threatening me with or the fact that I disappointed him?

I sure wish there was some way for Jesus to come and tell me whether or not I did the right thing. I would like to think that the Holy Spirit was working through me during that time, but would the Holy Spirit say no to someone in need no matter how threatening he was? I just wish there was someway to find out what I am doing.