Childlike Trust

The one thing I miss the most since leaving the preschool are the kids. The two years that I was in the preschool was just a lot of fun. Everyday there was something to laugh about with the kids. I am thankful that lately Vincent has become somewhat less serious and a bit more animated than he has been. I love laughing more with him again. Of course, he also has his moments of worrying and asking serious "what if"-questions. For the most part (unless news stories that he has read says otherwise) he trusts in my answers and seems to feel comforted.

How do kids do it? As I've gotten older I'm finding trust to be something I have to work harder at. I trust what people tell me for the most part. I'm talking about trusting that God's ways, as hard as it may be at times, is part of His grand plan for me. Kids can trust their parents to plan their day out for them and simply follow. Well... It used to be a struggle for us with Vincent, but he's doing much better at this now. All he asks is that I write his schedule for the day on the whiteboard and he's set for the day. In general, kids trust that their parents will do what's best for them and keep them safe. When and how did I lose this? Why do I need to be reminded that all that is happening to me now is part of God's schedule for me?

Twirling around in circles comes to mind. I remember playing with kids who would want me to twirl them around until they fall down with the world spinning around in their heads. They would grab on to my hand and we would go around as fast as possible. How did they know that I wouldn't let go? How did they know that I would stop before they threw up?

I find that I'm having to be reminded that God hasn't let go of my hands. Even if the world feels like it's spinning out of control, God still has a firm grasp. So why do I start to feel like He's let go when the world is spinning the fastest? Why don't I see that the spinning is all in my head and part of my life as God has planned? Why do I have to be reminded that God will only give me what I can handle? That he's not going to let me go over the edge if I just let him take the lead. Why don't I remember that all the challenges I'm faced with is meant to bring me closer to God and not to the end of the world?

As I seek to find answers, I am reminded that God has already given us the answers. I just didn't trust enough. Am I alone? Of course not. Since the time that God led the Israelites out of Egypt, he's had to remind all of us constantly to trust in Him. It's comforting to know that He's still always there, but wouldn't it be even better to just trust in Him in the first place?

As my world spins once again (and again and again), I try my best to just spin along with God. He's not going to let go. Am I the one that lets go? Most likely. For now... Laugh and spin like a child. It's hard, but it may just make us feel better.

Lunch with the Ladies

My days have been extraordinarily full lately and oftentimes I am unable to have lunch at the office, which I happen to enjoy. Yesterday, though, I was able to free up my schedule and spend more time in the office and actually have lunch there. I was prepared with my soup and apple. Upon entering the staff room, though, Noemi announced that Sylvia, someone who volunteers for our Stone Soup kitchen, had brought leftover soup and quesadillas for everybody. Noemi, Lynette, Barb, Ina, and I were joined by two Hispanic ladies, Sylvia and Maria. The soup and quesadillas were delicious and the conversation was LIVELY!

It was so much fun just talking about anything and everything that we could all come up with. Barb told us about her difficulties of remitting money to a bus company in Mexico City. Ina shared her experiences with being left at home with teenage boys. Noemi compared the family culture she grew up with to her American husband's family. This then turned into how our Spanish-influenced culture compared to the American culture. This I find so fascinating because even if we Filipinos are Asians, we are so much more like the Hispanics of the Americas. Sylvia then shared with us how the boys that her children went to grade school boys have now grown up into good-looking, hot, young men. This brought the house down! We could probably be heard a mile away as we all laughed and pounded on the table at the scandalous thought.

I couldn't help but think how much I miss these lunches with girlfriends where you can be as silly and scandalous (within reason, of course). The combination of the hearty food, the lively personalities, and the openness of the group just made for a great lunch hour.

As I write this, though, I have to admit that I also have another group of ladies that I lunch with. It's a super, secret club that only women are invited to. We're called the VCCWs -- or Very Cool Catholic Women. This is another lively conversation, but a little bit more serious. We also have some interesting women in this group. Sue, who is the Coordinator of the Newman Center, is a hoot. She tells the best stories and is very animated. There's Amy who is a new Catholic. She's Passionate with a capital P. She became a Catholic after reading about Dorothy Day and the Catholic Worker Movement. Needless to say, she's part of our Social Justice Commission but will be moving to California in July. Barb, who is our Pastoral Associate, is also quite lively and really adds to the conversations. Judy Ringle has read just about everything and is very energetic as well. She does a lot of glasswork as a hobby and even made us our lovely VCCW pins. This is just part of our group because I haven't had the chance to lunch with the other members yet. We just get together for lunch each last Friday of the month in the same restaurant to talk about anything and everything.

It's particularly interesting how different we all are yet our basic foundation is really quite similar. Women just have to talk and express their feelings. From here, we move on to other topics. But until we're able to download, these thoughts swirl around our heads and can lead to anxiety attacks if not poured out. We are capable of solving problems that we feel men seem to have a harder time grasping, yet we don't really want solutions to our problems. We just want to talk about them. Why? Because we're women. We just want someone to listen. We hyper-analyze situations, but don't want to be analyzed. What did she mean when she said this? Why do you think he did this? Does this mean that I'm so and so? But don't tell me what's wrong with me because you'll be wrong.

So, when's our next lunch?

Do They Really Exist?

I try to walk outside as often as I can to take in the beautiful Corvallis scenery. It's absolutely beautiful here; especially when the sun is shining and the flowers are in full bloom. Being away from Corvallis for 11 years has taught me to appreciate with even greater fervor this creation of God that he has given us to take care of. I've always loved the outdoors, but was more partial to the ocean which is one reason I would like to retire in a coastal community. Having lived in a congested, polluted metropolis with skyscrapers I have come to love the green, clean, pristine Corvallis.

People work very hard to keep the city pristine and clean. I am no longer talking about it's nature but the people that live here in Corvallis. The work that I do with the Church has led me to see how the city and it's members take care of "the least of these". On the surface and on paper one will be very impressed with the services available in the city. Medical services are provided to the low-income, the homeless have a temporary shelter they can turn to that also houses a rehab center, meal services, etc. Sounds good, right? Sure, as long as you meet its stringent criteria that's meant to serve only those who are capable of pulling themselves out of their situations anyway. I've been told that their doors are open for all those who need, but they, of course, don't mention the fine print that states all those who are not allowed their services.

We have a growing homeless population in Corvallis. When I was in high school 20 years ago (when did that happen?!), the homeless men lived under the bridge. I've been told that at one point the city decided they didn't want any homeless men in Corvallis so they raided under the bridge continuously until they all packed up and left. They didn't quite leave town, but simply scattered to other open areas and parks. Now we have individuals and families who live in cars, areas that haven't been built on yet, under park bushes -- anywhere the cops can't find them. A number of the men and women who are homeless are dealing with serious mental illnesses and/or are veterans. There is no service that will address the mental illnesses of these people that leads them out to the streets. Contrary to what most people believe, these people do not choose to be homeless. It saddens me to hear priviledged, educated adults talk about how these people have a choice and they choose to be homeless. Possibly because of my exposure to mental illnesses, I understand how so many aspects of their lives are beyond their control. Possibly because of the way my life has fallen into place, I understand that even those without illnesses still fall under circumstances that prevent them from meeting their basic needs.

Let me tell you about Laura. She is Mexican, but is legal and has her papers. She, however, has diabetes and anemia. Her diabetes has taken away the sight of one eye and has placed her in the hospital so many times -- sometimes near death. She suffers from the complications of diabetes and is no longer able to work. Her sole financial support comes from her son, who is in the US illegally. Through the work that he has been able to do, he has been able to provide her with her basic needs and the medical attention that she has needed. He was recently picked up by the police and was sent to Immigration and Naturalization Services (INS) to be deported. With the efforts of Catholic Charities, they've been able to delay the deportation process and are in the process of facilitating his freedom and possibly get him a charity visa of some sorts. As a mother it must be heart-wrenching to think of your son being detained, almost certainly not being treated well, and could possibly be deported to Mexico. Our Los Embajadores group had the opportunity to visit a shelter in Tijuana that houses those who have been deported to Mexico. They are dropped off with nothing but the clothes that they are wearing. I can't begin to imagine what Laura must be feeling and going through right now. What will happen to her if her son is sent away? This is a situation that is beyond her control and is life-threatening for her. What services does our city have to offer her? None that will be able to give her a hope of surviving through her illness. How do I know? Because we see people on a regular basis who need this kind of financial assistance. It's the churches and other non-profit organizations who are catching all those that can't be served by our system.

On a different level... Our schools are supposed to provide free and accessible public education. Something which a good number of our children are not receiving -- including Vincent. Your ideal Corvallis child would be busy with soccer and involved with 50 other activities. My Vincent struggles with the sensory issues that come with a crowded classroom, is very literal (he has an excellent vocabulary, but almost always applies the very literal meaning of these words), has problems with social skills -- everything that comes with Aspergers. Coping with these issues can be taught and managed, but it would require a smaller group setting and a teacher who can communicate well with students like Vincent. By law the schools are required to provide this setting and the capable personnel to provide this education. What happens when your principal is a former military man who believes that each student conform to his demands? You have an overwhelmed student who goes beyond his tolerable anxiety level and is no longer aware of his actions. What happens when the school district would rather not have these kinds of students in their system? Then you find yourself as a parent being made to believe that they are on your side, but realize as summer fast approaches that the school district still has not replied to your pleas for a better setting. I've been told too many times that they've never had to deal with a student like Vincent. NOT TRUE!!! I've learned that Vincent is one of plenty of children who are out of the school system and being taught by tutors an hour a day because they do not fit the mold of your ideal Corvallis student.

Fast forward this to high school. The drop out population of our high schools consist of students who are not able to conform to the college-track system that has been set in place. Some even feel that attending the local community college means that they are not smart enough to attend a university. Rather than face this shame, some drop out and obtain their GEDs in order to get into vocational courses at the community college. This does not make them any less smarter than your average university student. In fact, I've spoken to a few who are very smart. It just means that they have different talents that have been given to them. Some simply don't go back to school. What happens to them? A few of them become the ones who turn to the system to provide for their basic needs. Could something have been done to prevent these students from dropping out? Most certainly. Are these precautions being taken? From what I've learned -- no. Who is tasked to take care of students who struggle with conforming to the Corvallis mold? The non-profit organizations, counselors (if their parents can afford), or just brave souls who reach out to at-risk students.

The language of your typical Corvallis resident shows that the city has done a good job at pushing the least of these aside. They're the people who "live in the south side of town". They're the illegal immigrants who are generally referred to as "Hispanic" -- not all Hispanics are illegal and not all illegals are Hispanic. They're the children we don't want our children to play with. They the children you no longer see in schools because their parents can't control them. They're the ones whose parents choose to spend their money on alcohol and cigarettes. I wish I could tell you that I'm making this up, but these are statements I've heard from people around me.

Do they really exist? It depends on who you ask. I say yes. What do you think?

On Retiring And Other Random Thoughts

It's taken me a while to write because blogging seems like this futile exercise to which I send all my thoughts out into space to which no one really reads and no one probably cares. I've decided that I don't particularly need an audience. I just need an outlet for all these random thoughts...

I spend a good deal of my time at work meeting with people. These people are passionate, energetic, full of laughter, honest, and lovely to work with. Also, we have at least a 25-year age gap. Since most of the people I deal with are volunteers, it just goes (in this town anyway) that most of them are retired. Retired ladies. I have learned quite a bit from all of them.

There's Betty who is 86 years old and can take on any 30-year-old! She is someone you would want to advocate for you about anything; especially if it happens to be about health care. She is part of all sorts of committees and boards that are working towards affordable health care for all in Oregon. Here's an example of what she's like. She drove up to Portland (about 2 hours away) at 6:00 in the morning for a health care forum that lasted the whole day. She then went straight to a dinner function that we were attending at 7:00 in the evening. She drove herself both ways. Eighty six years old! She will argue with me about making 800 photocopies of a flyer for a film that one of her committees/organization is showing. She will also invite us young ones to her house for dessert and dominos and think that we're ending early when I say it's time to go at 10:00pm. She also, though, tells her husband every night how blessed she is to have him in her life and they share with each other the blessings they experienced that day. Oh, I love watching her with her husband. They still hold hands throughout Mass.

Then there's Ellen. She is quite the communicator. When we get on the phone, we end up talking about our meetings for almost an hour. She is quite apologetic always, but just wants to make sure she understands everything correctly. Part of these conversations, though, are about Vincent. She always makes it a point to ask about Vincent. She is a breast cancer survivor.

Angela will speak her mind and is quite the law-abider. She will then laughingly say, "Well, but that's me -- the cup is always half empty!". She babysits for her grandchildren on a regular basis.

Maxine was the first Social Justice Coordinator at St. Mary's (the position that I now fill). She is part of a group that goes on bike rides every Saturday -- at least 30 miles. She and her husband also take long-distance bike trips with friends annually. She has tried to talk me into joining her bike-riding group, but I do not quite have the freedom to be gone that long every Saturday. She is so passionate -- to the point of being very emotional as well.

One common sentiment from my retired lady friends is this: When you are retired, people are more forgiving of your honesty. Actually, the way it's been put is this, "When you're as old as I am, you can say anything you want and people forgive you!" They will say this with a laugh that makes it sound like they're getting away with something and just absolutely love it. They all have different organizations that they volunteer for and this keeps them very busy! They all also work out at the gym everyday. To which they've also made sure to talk me into giving in and signing up with the gym. They always check on my well-being and make sure that I'm not working above my 30-hour work week.

These ladies have taught me that age does not matter when you love what you are doing. In fact, this is the perfect time to be able to do the things you love. They work harder than a lot of younger people I know and have more energy than this late-thirties person. Then they retreat off to the coast on the weekends and travel extensively. They've also taught me quite a bit about being compassionate and passionate. I love seeing the fire in their eyes when thye're talking about issues that they feel strongly about. Then there are the times when tears are close by because of the hardship of others. It's quite a treat to get to work with them. It's quite amusing especially because I actually graduated from high school with the children of a couple of them. One thing is for sure -- two hour meetings are still not quite long enough with these ladies. I want to be like them when I grow up!

I actually have one last random thought. In the Bible it is said that each person should be given a plot of land that cannot be bought or sold. Think about how this world would be so different if this were the case. We had talked about this in a workshop that I had attended, but it didn't really fully hit me until one early morning. First of all, I wouldn't have a job. We would all more or less be equal and should have what we need to survive. It would also be interesting to see who survives and who doesn't. How would each one of us make use of this land that has been given? Would there be enough land to go around? Just a thought...

That's it for now! The coming month will find me busy preparing for my upcoming trip to Peru. I can't wait to see Todd!!! Before that, though, I have to plan my activities for the upcoming year (August to June), get all the things I need, get Vincent prepared for my being away, pray that my mom comes home soon, and get fit enough to make it though the 4-day hike to Machu Picchu! I can't wait to see Todd!!! Have I mentioned that? Until next time...

Choices and Relationships

I've just had a very interesting phone conversation with Todd. Ever since I've known Todd, our conversations -- well, what he says really -- always make me think beyond what we've spoken about. He is very good at asking questions and saying things that make me look deeper within myself. Part of our conversation (I'll spare you all the other details) pertained to making choices and relationships. Love is more than a feeling, it's also a conscious choice that we have to make. If love is based solely on feelings, then it is not lasting. Feelings in general are not lasting; therefore decisions that we make should go beyond our feelings. Fr. Lucas, our parochial vicar, spoke about how even our faith life should go beyond feelings. Think about it... I can feel hungry now and after I eat it's gone. I can feel sad now, but that too can pass. I can feel happy and feel strongly about my faith, but one crisis and that feeling can pass as well. Every aspect of our life requires choices.

Let's look at parenthood. There are choices involved in loving your child. The obvious are choices that we make during the course of parenthood. This may seem absurd to most, but we also make a conscious choice to be good parents. It's true. For some it's an easy choice, but for others it can be tougher. Mothers instinctively love their child(ren) -- there's no doubt about that. According to our deacon, Chris Anderson, even fathers have to make a choice to love their child(ren). They don't quite have the same bond that mothers have because they don't carry this being within them. From experience, it's much easier for fathers to choose to move away and choose to not have a relationship with their children. Even mothers have to choose to be a good parent, though. Being a parent can be easy, but being a good parent is another thing. We can choose to just feed our child three times a day, send them off to school, and make sure he/she's clothed and has a roof over their head. That's being a basic parent. To actually get to know, understand, and provide for more than the basic necessities takes a more active role. When your child has special needs, there are even more choices that need to be made. What do I do to make sure this child's needs are being met? What do I do to make sure this child is getting the care he deserves and needs? There are parents who choose to move heaven and earth. There are parents who choose to not see the problems. From time to time I have made choices that could have been better, but I promise it's what I truly felt would be best. I choose to be a parent who is available for Vincent whenever he needs me. I choose to be a parent who will go to all the therapy sessions, school meetings, and whatever else it may take to make his life better. I choose to go beyond the feelings of anxiety, frustrations, and anger that come with having a child with a disability and choose to love him unconditionally. I have made my choices and I just continue to pray that these are the right choices. I am also thankful, though, for God's choice to trust me with Vincent. This gives me endless hope that we will be OK.

Now, being in a relationship also requires choices. It's easy to have feelings of infatuation and giddyness for a person and go into a relationship with that person based on these feelings. It's another thing being in a relationship that you choose to be in because of your belief in this person, the connection that you've made, and the future that you envision with this person with similar goals, interests, and desire to live out a life based on your faith, dreams, and hopes. This is the type of relationship where you make a choice to stay committed even with the distance and distractions.

I would not call myself an expert in relationships and I also haven't been in very many relationships either. The few that I've been in had the intensity, length, and hard lessons that has taught me a thing or two though. The first started out of sheer loneliness and need for companionship, but did not have the similar hopes, dreams, and beliefs. It was all feelings that slipped away the moment things got tough. It turned into even worse feelings when things got rough. I stayed on, though, waiting for the feelings to come back. Even after being woken up in the middle of the night with curses and very demeaning names and after being hit, and after all the apologies, you wish for the feelings to come back but they never do. The choice to end this relationship was surprisingly tough, but it also became a liberating choice. The second one seemed more promising because of similar interests, backgrounds, and because it was fun. As the years passed, though, I could see us making very different life choices. He is a very good man, but his choices on his relationship with his children, the kind of life he wants to live, and the facts that he chose to share and he chose to hide from me were not consistent with my choices. This was an even tougher relationship to break off but solely because here was finally a person wanting to commit his life with me. I felt secure because of this prospect, but that was the depth of that security. I followed a dear friend's advice on living my life as if we had already broken up and it was very easy when I pushed aside the feelings. Obviously I chose to end this relationship. Later on, I realized that with both relationships I could not see a future beyond the feelings. I could not give my love unconditionally and make a choice to stay committed.

I am now in a relationship that has been very different from the others. First of all, Todd was a friend for about a year and half before we began dating. Most importantly, though, here was a man that made sense in so many different ways. Todd was at the time our Youth Minister. The more I learned about his beliefs, the way he lives his life, the choices he made and continues to make, and his honesty to himself just went beyond what I felt in my heart. It was so right in my mind as well. The realization of how easy it was to work with him also made me see how this man is so special. I had finally met someone who made choices that I agree with, whose work I truly agree with, and whose desire to live out his faith is such a source of inspiration to this day. Here's a man whose dreams I can honestly say is so right -- in my heart and in my mind. When we started dating I knew of his desire to be a missionary. As his friend I was already very supportive of this dream of his and knew that this had to be lived out. When we started dating, I knew that he still had this desire. I knew from the very beginning that I still believed in his becoming a missionary and I also knew that this was not something I would let get in the way of us seeing where this relationship would go either. Early on I knew that, if he was willing, I would want to wait for him. To this day I have no regrets with this decision. Admittedly, there are days that are tougher than others. There are times when I wonder what my other options could be. At the end of the day, though, I think back at this choice and I thank the Lord for Todd. Being in a relationship requires more of a choice because we are free to pick and choose (well, for some more than others). For once I know my choice to be in this relationship goes deeper than the feelings that this relationship brings as well. I have found a love that I can give unconditionally.

Now, the hardest choice of all. How about our relationship with God? A lot of us were baptized into our religion and did not have to choose to be in this relationship. I admire those who choose to be in this relationship with God, because you see the depth and the commitment they choose to give. I used to think going to Mass every Sunday, saying my evening prayers, and being nice was all that it really took. So why is it then that with our human relationships we choose to be very active in these relationships, but with God it's so easy to be a passive participant? If we can make the time to going out on dates, doing this and that to please people, and even sacrificing ourselves and beliefs for other people, why is it so hard to make these same choices for our relationship with God? This was something that I asked myself at one point. During my second serious relationship, I found myself driving 2 hours each way to visit him, spending money I didn't really quite have, and devoting so much time and effort to please him even from a distance. I later on learned through people I was surrounded with and my beginning involvement with St. Mary's, why wasn't I choosing to devote more of my life to God? Why wasn't I choosing to be an active participant in this faith of mine? What was stopping me from truly making choices to live out this simple and full life that He asks of us? If He could love me unconditionally, why wasn't I doing the same? Believe me, we all do and say things that makes God shake His head and wonder if we're learning the lessons he's been trying to teach us. During these past few truly tough and testing days, I've encountered moments when I had to make a conscious choice to stay committed to my relationship with God. The feelings of gratitude and feeling His presence were particularly tough to feel. When I choose, though, to be unconditionally (giving glory when times are good and giving glory when times are tough) present in this relationship, I realize and feel His even deeper love that He freely chooses to give to us.

What's next?

It has been a few months since I've had time to actually sit down and write. Make that... To actually make time to write. As usual my life has been a series of ups and downs (sideways, falling flat, upside down...). These past few months have been quite challenging. I'm not sure if the winter months were a bit tougher to handle than I thought it would be or if it's just how my life goes in general. For some of you that may know me really well, you're probably opting for the latter.

How many times have you found yourself asking God the question, "Why?"? Why me? Why did things turn out this way? Why is there poverty and hardship? Why did I not get that lucky break? Why? I admit that I have found myself asking a lot of why-questions lately. These questions pertain mostly to my fears.

Have you ever felt as if God is speaking directly at you? I am very sure that he must have read my thoughts, listened in on phone conversations, and read things I've written. To go from darkness to light requires blind faith in the Lord. God asks us to climb out of that restricting box that forces us to remain in our inner darkness and to let Him bring in that light. This morning Fr. John asked us to consider going from "Why me?" to "What next?"

If you had told me to do that last Tuesday, I would have shot that idea down so quickly. Issues that continue to arise due to Vincent's Aspergers, work and home frustrations, and feeling so alone in the midst of so many people has caused me to turn into myself and ask "Why me?!" so many times. Having two consecutive meetings three out of five nights a week did not help either. I am quickly learning that being busy -- even if it's doing things you enjoy and feel strongly about -- can cause this darkness. I don't know if I've climbed out of my dark box completely yet, but I at least know where I'm at and where I should be.

So I now want to look into the question "What next?". This isn't as easy as it seems it should be. What's next for Vincent? School has been a challenging setting for him. The number of students, the chaos of having two classrooms interchanging throughout the day, and the pressure of doing things perfectly continues to create high anxiety episodes. I am fortunate that we live in a city that has services to address his needs, I have my experts that continue to work towards making school a positive experience (not an easy task!), and I have listening ears that help ease my tensions in the midst of all my tears (thank you, Todd!). I don't really know what's next except to take one day at a time, one advice at a time, and one service at a time. I pray that all these put together will lead to a happier, more positive Vincent. I am also very fortunate that academics is not a problem with Vincent. His Valentine's Day gift to me was his state test scores which had already surpassed his end-of-the-year goals (I believe that this is why the school lets him come in during times he's not supposed to be in school because he brings their ratings higher!).

What's next for work? Work is one place right now where I find energy, but it still has its share of frustrations. Slowly, though, things have been falling into place. I am learning more about myself as time goes on, though. As happy as I am to be in a job that I believe in, I still long to "be in the trenches". The conference rooms and coffee meetings that I find myself in to discuss the plight of the homeless, the illegal aliens, those needing emergency funds, etc. just is not enough. I long to actually be with the people and doing more, but my work and home obligations need to be my priority for now. In time... I am thankful that my work is leading me towards more concrete ideas as to what I would like to do when I grow up:)

I must also thank someone very special for opening my eyes to what we can do -- Todd. I will never forget that evening when I met up with him at the movie theater and he was standing there speaking to a man. As I got closer I noticed that the man was probably a transient. Todd saw me coming so he bid his farewell and reached out to shake the man's hand. The man looked at his outstretched arm and then shook Todd's hand. It was as if he wasn't used to someone reaching out to him. After this, I witnessed Todd several other times reach out -- whether to wave, talk, or shake hands -- to people most of us would have simply avoided. This act alone was such a learning moment for me. So much so that I now sit on three boards that deal with the homeless situation in Corvallis. This has made me think, "What's next for them?".

What's next for life? I leave that up to the Lord. Why is it so hard to have blind faith? Faith that the Lord has planned for me what He feels is best? I may not get the answer that I want right now (after all aren't most of our prayers actually our wants), but I must let Him implement His plan for what's next and bring me into the light that He shares with us.

For now... I do plan on writing more about what's next for the different issues that we tackle at work and in this world we live in. Just a couple of suggestions for reading materials and movies to keep you busy until I write another lengthy blog entry: Compassion by Henri Nouwen, Donald McNeill, and Douglas Morrison, Gracias by Henri Nouwen (excellent!!!), writings of Archbishop Oscar Romero, the movie Romero (must see!!!), and Three Cups of Tea by Greg Mortenson and David Oliver Relin (a Portland, Oregon resident!). Until the next time...

Moving On...

This past week has taught me something one would think would be common sense by now. That is, the THOUGHT of change is scarier than it really is. During my last week at Lincoln School, my thoughts were filled with anxiety, doubt, and fear. I was anxious about what would happen to Vincent when I left the school. I doubted I was truly capable of the position that I was about to fill. I feared I would not be able to live up to the expectations of all the parishioners.

My applying for the position of Social Justice Ministry Coordinator at St. Mary's was truly a long shot in my opinion. I never thought they would actually hire me. There was just this tug in my heart that told me I had to at least give it a try. During an opportunity to chat with Lynette Martin, Fr. John's secretary, I found out that the requirements for the position had been lowered and that they were still actively looking for someone to fill this position. The sour grapevine kept telling people that the search was just a front and that there really was no intention of hiring anybody for this position. I still felt compelled to ask about it anyway. In fact, I had to take part of the day off to even bring this up with Kristin Rifai, the Business Development Manager. When I was informed that the search team was interested in interviewing me, I still kept letting the doubts enter my head. This meant another few hours off from work -- would it be worth the lost income? Only one way to find out... I prepared for the interview by reviewing the Catholic Social Teachings, which further reinforced my decision to apply for the position in the first place (that's for another blog posting :) ). I was very nervous during the interview, which the team noted and they tried to put me at ease. This nervousness surprised me because the search team consisted of people I've known for some time now. There was something about being interviewed on your personal beliefs and this being the judge of whether or not you're qualified rather than just being based on your previous work experience that made me so nervous. Fortunately, they were all in agreement with my beliefs so here I am.

This first week has been truly wonderful. This is how every first week at work should be. There was no need to small-talk with people in order to get to know them because I've known them all for years now. It was so comfortable and I just dove right into getting to know my ministry better. I have especially enjoyed having interesting conversations during lunch time once again!

My anxieties about leaving Vincent were, for the most part, unfounded. According to his teacher, he has shown some signs of missing me but he has moved on. The incidents that have happened this week have been nothing out-of-the-ordinary and nothing he couldn't solve on his own. In fact, when I ask him about how his day went he would just answer me, "It's my own personal business." Fine... As long as the school isn't calling me we must be doing fine.

My doubts about not being capable of doing this job are slowly easing out of my mind. As I learn more about the issues that we are dealing with, I find myself becoming even more passionate about wanting to make changes. I may have a lot to learn for now, but I know I have the conviction needed in order to bring about steps towards resolutions. I have also accepted that to many of these issues I may never see final results, but the most I can do is to educate our parishioners, bring them to action, and to take the steps we all need to take no matter how small they may be.

My fears of not living up to expectations are still there, but I've also spoken to quite a few people who have given their support and let me know that they realize that it will take time to fully get into this position. There are still some who talk about how things were in the past and seem to want to bring it back to the way it used to be, but I just have to remind myself of what I've learned about change. It will take time for everyone to accept the changes and realize that it's not so bad after all. They will also learn to move on.

What to expect from here on? You can be sure I will start posting about different issues that we deal with such as immigration, the Iraqi Refugee situation, hunger and poverty here in the US and internationally, respecting life, the care for God's creations,... Oh boy, don't get me started on any of these right now. I will be calling on people to take notice of these situations and how we are all called to respond -- fulfilling our Baptismal responsibilities. What may surprise you is the fact that we already have the basic foundation and we just need to take a bit more action. I know because you are all good people with big hearts. I should know... You've read this far, haven't you?