What's next?

It has been a few months since I've had time to actually sit down and write. Make that... To actually make time to write. As usual my life has been a series of ups and downs (sideways, falling flat, upside down...). These past few months have been quite challenging. I'm not sure if the winter months were a bit tougher to handle than I thought it would be or if it's just how my life goes in general. For some of you that may know me really well, you're probably opting for the latter.

How many times have you found yourself asking God the question, "Why?"? Why me? Why did things turn out this way? Why is there poverty and hardship? Why did I not get that lucky break? Why? I admit that I have found myself asking a lot of why-questions lately. These questions pertain mostly to my fears.

Have you ever felt as if God is speaking directly at you? I am very sure that he must have read my thoughts, listened in on phone conversations, and read things I've written. To go from darkness to light requires blind faith in the Lord. God asks us to climb out of that restricting box that forces us to remain in our inner darkness and to let Him bring in that light. This morning Fr. John asked us to consider going from "Why me?" to "What next?"

If you had told me to do that last Tuesday, I would have shot that idea down so quickly. Issues that continue to arise due to Vincent's Aspergers, work and home frustrations, and feeling so alone in the midst of so many people has caused me to turn into myself and ask "Why me?!" so many times. Having two consecutive meetings three out of five nights a week did not help either. I am quickly learning that being busy -- even if it's doing things you enjoy and feel strongly about -- can cause this darkness. I don't know if I've climbed out of my dark box completely yet, but I at least know where I'm at and where I should be.

So I now want to look into the question "What next?". This isn't as easy as it seems it should be. What's next for Vincent? School has been a challenging setting for him. The number of students, the chaos of having two classrooms interchanging throughout the day, and the pressure of doing things perfectly continues to create high anxiety episodes. I am fortunate that we live in a city that has services to address his needs, I have my experts that continue to work towards making school a positive experience (not an easy task!), and I have listening ears that help ease my tensions in the midst of all my tears (thank you, Todd!). I don't really know what's next except to take one day at a time, one advice at a time, and one service at a time. I pray that all these put together will lead to a happier, more positive Vincent. I am also very fortunate that academics is not a problem with Vincent. His Valentine's Day gift to me was his state test scores which had already surpassed his end-of-the-year goals (I believe that this is why the school lets him come in during times he's not supposed to be in school because he brings their ratings higher!).

What's next for work? Work is one place right now where I find energy, but it still has its share of frustrations. Slowly, though, things have been falling into place. I am learning more about myself as time goes on, though. As happy as I am to be in a job that I believe in, I still long to "be in the trenches". The conference rooms and coffee meetings that I find myself in to discuss the plight of the homeless, the illegal aliens, those needing emergency funds, etc. just is not enough. I long to actually be with the people and doing more, but my work and home obligations need to be my priority for now. In time... I am thankful that my work is leading me towards more concrete ideas as to what I would like to do when I grow up:)

I must also thank someone very special for opening my eyes to what we can do -- Todd. I will never forget that evening when I met up with him at the movie theater and he was standing there speaking to a man. As I got closer I noticed that the man was probably a transient. Todd saw me coming so he bid his farewell and reached out to shake the man's hand. The man looked at his outstretched arm and then shook Todd's hand. It was as if he wasn't used to someone reaching out to him. After this, I witnessed Todd several other times reach out -- whether to wave, talk, or shake hands -- to people most of us would have simply avoided. This act alone was such a learning moment for me. So much so that I now sit on three boards that deal with the homeless situation in Corvallis. This has made me think, "What's next for them?".

What's next for life? I leave that up to the Lord. Why is it so hard to have blind faith? Faith that the Lord has planned for me what He feels is best? I may not get the answer that I want right now (after all aren't most of our prayers actually our wants), but I must let Him implement His plan for what's next and bring me into the light that He shares with us.

For now... I do plan on writing more about what's next for the different issues that we tackle at work and in this world we live in. Just a couple of suggestions for reading materials and movies to keep you busy until I write another lengthy blog entry: Compassion by Henri Nouwen, Donald McNeill, and Douglas Morrison, Gracias by Henri Nouwen (excellent!!!), writings of Archbishop Oscar Romero, the movie Romero (must see!!!), and Three Cups of Tea by Greg Mortenson and David Oliver Relin (a Portland, Oregon resident!). Until the next time...